|Reviews for The It girls|
| YFIQ chapter 2 . 1/18/2013
Good chapter, I can guess what might happen next.
| cerebral1 chapter 4 . 8/24/2011
Reviewing from the Roadhouse, and to pay back all your wonderful reviews for Pirate's Bride. Wow! I teach 8th grade, and really didn't realize this could happen even younger! Your intro. caught my interest, and I read the rest of it. It's too bad Rachel and Lexi don't have good enough relationships with their families to talk about this subject; I feel bad for the moms and Trent, as well as the insecure girls. Great job!
| Katerzzz chapter 1 . 7/9/2011
Review Payback 3/3!
Wow...this seems like some messed up sorority thing...is it?
The introduction was short, but gave enough information to light the intrigue in me...what's going on?
I wonder what will happen...
Can't wait to read more!
| Naomi Chick chapter 1 . 6/4/2011
The start of the story was quite surprising. It gave a brief explanation while the same time showing a twist on embracing the disorder. The way Lexi describe the group was creepy.
I wonder, how all of the outcomes will turn out?
PS. Could you please check out An Encountering Chance? I'd appreaciate it. Thanks.
| seredemia chapter 4 . 6/3/2011
All your characters are really starting to shape up. You each add detail and attention to them in the change of POVs, so it's really a good thing. Usually, some authors forgot about some of their characters, but you dont. Trent is a good brother, and its sad how Lexi's condition is kinda affecting him too.. He's just worried about his sister..
It's sad how Lexi thinks popularity will make her happy...
| seredemia chapter 3 . 6/3/2011
I love how you portray problems that some teenagers would face today! I'm really liking Rachel - you write about her so well, and I can really imagine what it must be like to be in her position... It doesnt really sound very fun.. But yes, great writing in this chapter!
| RedX9 chapter 3 . 5/29/2011
nice analysis and study on anorexic kids. Trying to fit in is tough for teenagers and they think that doing such things could make them fit in.
The link couldn't be accessed. apparently fictionpress doesn't allow links to be posted on stories. sigh.
there are some parts where it just felt really weird for me
(quote) It was almost if the lunch lady was suspicious of "her".
(quote)"I had a big breakfast." "She" said while looking down at "her" empty tray.
this few parts just really didn't make sense to me. Did you accidentally write rachel in a third person perspective instead of the first? There are still some more in this piece
but other than that nice analysis on such people and also on teenage girls
| Hokuto Uchiha chapter 4 . 5/29/2011
So, Lexi and Rachel are going to become friends now.
I feel bad for Trent in this chapter; he's concerned about his sister, and she won't tell him anything.
Great chapter :)
| RedX9 chapter 2 . 5/29/2011
you did well for the first person perspective. I like how you indicate which character is currently on the first person to prevent confusion.
The cool kid hanging out with the nerd? I really like that, its shows contrast from the typical which is a good thing
The last part of the dialogue I don't like that much. from what I learn in writing class dialogue should never be...
"how's your day"
"oh its's fine"
if a dialogue scene could be written out in a descriptive form, then do it.
I also like the how emma could observe herself and rachel's behaviour when she is talking to her.
The last part where you showed that rachel was bulimic was surprising amd caught me off guard so good job on that. Maybe you could add in some emotion on her part like when she stuck her finger down her throat and puked out her dinner, you could add in her thoughts like "I cannot believe I ate that crap" or something like that. It would further enhance her personality. Don't get me wrong its ok like that and maybe this is how I always write my stories.
Sorry that its long. The last thing is the last paragraph. too much sudden sentence break ups and the constant repeat of "I". That can really wear down the reader.
| kurotsuba chapter 2 . 5/29/2011
(Repay for reviewing on my fic - I really appreciate the time you'd spent to read and review my work!)
Not something I'd normally read, but it's a pretty good story. The pace is slow, just nice, and it suits this story well. The interaction between Rachel and Emma is something I can relate to, especially between the girls in my class.
Although there isn't much description, I'm still able to visualize what is going on between the characters. Good job!
hope I don't sound harsh here, but if I do, I apologize here beforehand. I hope you can understand that this is just my personal viewpoint, and I'm giving my own opinion on where you can improve. No hard feelings, okay? :)
As I read the first chapter, I noticed a problem that recurred at the end of almost every dialogue sentence. I will just randomly pick a segment as an illustration.
"Hello." Emma said.
"Hey, it's Rachel." I said.
"Oh hi, how are you?" Emma said.
"Fine." I said, I really wanted to be done with the polite crap, so I could get down to business.
Actually, I think that you can omit having to repeatedly say who is the speaker, when it's obvious that there's only two. You can say:
"Hello." Emma said.
"Hey, it's Rachel." I said.
"Oh hi, how are you?" (We know that this is said by Emma.)
"Fine." I really wanted to be done with the polite crap, so I could get down to business. (Since the dialogue is followed closely by Rachel's thought, we know that this is spoken by Rachel.)
Since the reader knows that there's only 2 characters communicating with each other, you don't have to repeat which dialogue is said by who. This will help to keep the flow of the story more smoothly.
| Souffle Girl chapter 4 . 5/27/2011
First off, I really like how you're going through and introducing each of the girls. When they get there own time to shine, it makes the reader care more about them, in my opinion.
I'd like to point out that the chapter is mostly dialogue however, and it would benefit from a few more descriptions.
Aaaand, here's some grammar stuff:
"' I['d] love that.' Lexi said." Also, once again, no space after the opening quotation marks, you do that quite a bit.
"it [had been] redone right after her mom divorced her dad."
"all.." You have an extra period there! Or, not enough, if that was meant to be an ellipsis.
"change[d] her life forever."
"'...you.'[ ]Trent replied."
Keep up the good work! :)
| Souffle Girl chapter 2 . 5/26/2011
First of all, solid second chapter. I like Emma, she seems cute and sweet so far. It's going to be a sad story for her though, I can tell already. :( Your characterization is really great though! We're two chapters in, and I already feel close to both Rachel and Emma.
It just kills me that they're only in sixth grade. It's horrible how true this story rings.
There's some grammatical errors however. You could probably benefit from doing some more editing (I know, it's a pain, haha).
"If I wanted I could tell you about a whole another world that exists." Either 'a whole other' or 'another' would work, but not that combination.
"She had the prettiest hair in the sixth grade, it was so shiny." This sentence isn't grammatically incorrect, but it is awkward. Maybe "she had the prettiest, shiniest hair..." would work better?
"It was an odd moment, because the one person I thought who would never talk to me was walking in my direction." Another awkward moment. As a reader, it kind of confused me, because you jumped from straight narration into Rachel approaching Emma without any real introduction. You probably want to start that in a new paragraph, with some more intro. Where are they? When is this happening?
"It was understatement, if I said I just wanted to be cool." Try this instead: "It would've been an understatement to say I wanted to be cool" or something similar. At the very least, get rid of that comma.
"I was an over achiever, who would do anything to reach her goals." That second part is a little redundant. Or, the first part is. Either way, saying she's an overachiever would be enough, or just saying she would do anything to reach her goals.
" I'm Rachel, if you didn't know, but I think you know who I am..." No space after the quotation mark.
"My bedroom was really pretty, if you ask me..." there's no introduction here, and it seems a little awkward. Maybe say something like "As I waited for her to talk, I glanced around my room. It's really pretty, if you ask me, etc etc."
And, finally, the puking scene. I think that this paragraph needs a LOT more detail. Bulimia/anorexia is the main focus of your story right? As of now, that scene is telling, not showing. I understand that you probably don't want to describe puking in minute detail, but you do need to delve more into the emotion of it. Forcing yourself to puke is an incredibly emotional event, but you haven't written that in. Does Rachel hate herself for it? Convinced she's doing the right thing? On autopilot? Is it easy, or hard to make herself puke? What is she feeling at that moment? That's really important to the story.
Anyway, I hope you don't mind the length and nitpickyness of this review. I really am enjoying your story, and I think it's right on the verge of being great, but you have to work on it just a little more.
| JT Squared chapter 2 . 5/26/2011
This story reminds me a lot of Sara Shepard's "Pretty Little Liars" series, with a sick twist. You are definitely headed in the right direction, as this genre is getting particularly popular in light of the television series giving it so much attention. Just be careful not to glamorize eating disorders-never lose the focus that it can and does tear lives apart and even kill people.
| Eilwynn chapter 3 . 5/24/2011
Reviewing a story! :D
First off, I really like how you make the problems girls face in middle/high school very realistic. I also like how you seem to be showing a chain reaction kind of thing, how all these girls' lives affected each other. I'm curious as to why they're all 'recruiting' when they seem to hate it, but I'm sure that will be revealed over the course of the story.
One thing I'd watch for is POV. If you switch POVs around too often, or suddenly switch them in the middle of a scene, it can get pretty confusing.
| Souffle Girl chapter 1 . 5/23/2011
First off, interesting, if sad, premise. I personally know many people who have suffered from ED, so it can be hard but eye opening to read.
I just wanted to point out that the constantly changing view point is a little awkward. In the future, you might want to lesson the amount of switches you do per chapter.