|Reviews for Taken from Her|
| Things-and-mings chapter 1 . 5/11/2011
At the start it was pretty confusing on what was going on but I liked the ending. It was funny when the dude said "So uh, come here often?" It gave it a funny feel to a serious situation.
I do like where your story is going so keep it up.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 5/6/2011
...this was full on cut a guy open and spread his innards across the sky. Red.
-Didn't agree with the choice here for stopping the sentence short and then doing just "Red"-it read disjointed and not in a good way, I think it would be better to keep the sarcasm/cleverness flowing as one whole sentence, I just didn't buy into it completely.
Ted thought that since I was...
-Style: you can't rid this of "that" because it doesn't do anything for the sentence
...but then again I could.
-Weird way to say this given what was just said, instead I would suggest something like, "lucky him, his stereotype was right." or "lucky him, his assumption was correct."
...a heaping cup of caffeine.
-Here you're alluding to coffee right? What made you make the decision to use "caffeine" instead of coffee? I think it's an unneeded substitute for coffee and it also makes it second guess as "does he mean tea, or coke, or what?"
With this astrological event however I needed...
-Style: "however" must always be set off by commas, so: "event[,] however[,] I needed..."
... building I got a text on my phone...
-Style: "got" tends to be quite a dead verb, I would use "receive" here to strength the sentence verbs
...ugh mini earthquakes this day could not get any worse.
-These days? Either way, would put a comma after "ugh"
... I screamed and jumped out of my car.
-This happened quite fast, I would draw the description out more of surroundings...the creepiness just didn't hit me with full enough effect for what you wanted, though I did like that you alluded to something more supernatural by having the man not in the car when he turns around, but reappearing in the rear view mirror.
"No, actually I don't" He seemed...
-Edit: needs a period after "don't" or a comma, but I would use a period.
I sighed, he...
-Would put in its own paragraph since a sigh is like a speaking part
Like other reviewers have pointed out, it does feel a tad rushed with characterization and moving ahead with plot, I think to fully fulfill this idea of creepiness, there could be more lingering on details and maybe some throw-ins about themes of being uncomfortable or not really at home with setting. The sinkhole part kind of threw me off guard the most, though, it was just surprising that it just seemed to come out of nowhere. The ending was interesting, it just makes me wonder where this is going as far as relationships between the characters and everything. Would be interested in seeing this continued to see where you take everyone and the plot. It was a good read, just needs a bit of polish and pacing adjustments! Looking forward to seeing more, if there is!
| xClutteredxChaosx chapter 1 . 4/10/2011
Haha the man at the end sounds like a character ;) His lover suggestion was very... forward going! I liked that, it showed his character. I also like how we have been thrown straight into the story. The fact that the sky is red brings up a lot of questions, it's also an original idea and I liked how you didn't immediately show the invasion but introduced some other characters. My only criticism is that it's a bit short! You could try dragging things out a bit, just so they don't seem rushed but other than that this was very well written and intriguing. I shall be waiting for an update! :)
| Sakina the Fallen Angel chapter 1 . 4/9/2011
Hey there! For a first chapter, this was pretty confusing ~ it felt like I wasn't reading an introduction, but a part of the story later on. You throw us straight into the action but don't really explain the events very well so we are left guessing as to what's going on for most of the chapter.
However, I liked the dialogue and interaction between Darcy and Ted - it showed what kind of working relationship they have, and made things slightly clearer, but there are still a few parts that I didn't really understand:
"I let my heart rate slow down before I let him in and the once psychotic reporter had descended into a twenty something sex symbol whose "contacts" as they were called could more effectively be called sluts."
~ Not sure what you are trying to say here.
"All I know is the sky is red and there is some logical explanation to it other than martians." This would read better as "All I know is that the sky is red and that there must be some logical explanation to it other than Martians."
So...the big deal of this chapter is that the sky is red? Not that aliens have landed? Would be great if you explained that more in the chapter...
~ Sakina x
| Saran-Wrapped Daughter chapter 1 . 4/8/2011
[[Review Game - Stories - Easy Fix]]
Well, I think your story is progressing just a bit too fast. I understand its the first chapter, and you might be wanting to really get us in there from the get-go, but it doesn't work like that. The first hapter or so can be taken slowly as a wayh to introduce the characters.
This also seemes veryh infodump-y. And if you worded things correctly, you may be able to fix the dumpy problem AND keep us interesed in the characters.
["...extraterrestrial stereotype." I laughed at his remark, bad idea. Ted was known to like one night stands, couldn't get enough of them, and I had been around him enough to know that when he got a girl laughing her usual next stop would be the sack.]
Pretty unrelated to the laughing topic at first. But with some rearranging...
"...extraterrestrial stereotype." I laughed at his remark, which was a bad idea. Once Ted got a girl laughing she would be next to hit the sack. Ted was known for having one night stands..."
Or such. Also, you seem to have a lack of commas. Try using them to connect similar ideas :)
| gigglebug chapter 1 . 4/5/2011
[that was lead reporter] should be capitalized.
[against in] *it
[My name was Darcy Cornell] *is instead of was. Also, this all seems really info-dumpy. If you could spread out the information of who's who and what's what, then it would definitely read better. As is, I don't particularly like it.
[and just like that the] *And.
start using commas in your sentences, they all read like run-ons.
[what is it,] question mark.
[as he laughed his butt off] Hmm. this phrase is way too informal for the narrative tone that was previously set, and I would suggest cutting the "his butt off" from the sentence. The watering eyes already suggests he's laughing quite hard, so not only does it not fit with the tone, it's redundant.
[feel a slight rumbling, ugh Ted flirting with me] period after rumbling AND ugh. Perhaps have "ugh" in italics, too, since it's the narrator's distinct thought. That's personal preference, though.
[Hey Sexy, I frowned probably part two to Ted's false seduction.] period after "sexy" and "frowned".
[I unbuckled my seat and began to fall to the other side of the car,] *seatbelt. And this isn't very realistic. When a car is flipping over, you don't have time to think about unbuckling your seatbelt and moving anywhere. as soon as the moving's done you can, but during the action it'd be unlikely.
["Need help,"] question mark.
[feel good-fest] the hypen belongs between feel and good, not good and fest.
what is a "shroud"? I googled and I didn't come up with any items of clothing.
["Of course I forgot to claim my prize. But first, I'm Grimsley your new lover."] there's no indication what his "prize" is supposed to be. I thought it'd be Darcy, but he makes an indication (from the "but first") that she isn't the prize. please make a clearer distinction.
| IronSpockMaster chapter 1 . 4/4/2011
I like the way you leap into the story because it gives it a fast pace and got me interested straight away.
I wasn't keen on how quickly you introduced the characters as I didn't get time to know or understand them.
The other problem I had with this piece was how quickly you progressed from one thing to another, leaving me very confused. I wasn't sure what was happening or where the story was going.
I do like the idea, though, because it is interesting.
| Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 4/3/2011
The spelling/grammar-y stuff—overall, some proofreading would better the piece. The ones I noted below are just a few.
[braced myself against in as he brutally tried to open the door] This sentence was a little confusing. I’m not sure what against in meant.
["Damn it Ted this is not an invasion!"and] You need a space before and. Also I think “and” should be capitalized.
[9 o clock] o’ clock.
[I think I might snap Ted's neck when I get back, but for know I did need to talk to Clint.] This needs to be in past tense. Also, it’s now, not know.
The opening was interesting. I can see that you attempted to go into action, which was good. But then Darcy’s self introduction seemed an awkward interjection in the action.
The pace was fast. It was good because it kept your story moving, and you certainly don’t need to worry about it dragging. At the same time, I wish you’d gone into a bit more descriptive detail at times, like the car wreck.
The ending: ["Of course I forgot to claim my prize. But first, I'm Grimsley your new lover."]
- I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to introduce the idea of the prize without going into detail about it, though I do like the mysterious-ness of it. The last line “I’m your new lover” was a great way to end, I thought. Makes me wonder how Darcy will react.
| Lady Darkness Diamond chapter 1 . 4/3/2011
Well that was a creepy ending... o_o
I like the way this chapter is done although the narration is hard to follow at times. One minute you're talking about the weather and the next your talking about Ted seducing Darcy. I can be rather disorientating for the reader.
I like the dialouge but you should be a little more careful with the punctiation. Example: "Darcy, Darcy! Tell me these are aliens!" that was lead reporter Ted Accel, and once he smelled a story nothing could stop him.
The word "that" should be capitalized and you don't need the comma there before the word "and". Minor points but they do give the impression (accurate or not) that your a new or novice writer.
Very interesting chapter though and those issues shouldn't keep anyone from reading more.
| Rainbow35 chapter 1 . 4/3/2011
Wow, this seems interesting. :O Are you gonna continue it? I like the way the sky was randomly red and weird stuff was happening without an explanation, because it makes it interesting and mysterious.
I also liked it when Ted said "I don't want our celestial guest to be offended because you lumped them together into an extraterrestrial stereotype.", because it's funny. :P
I also really liked the way this chapter ended with a cliffhanger, because it kinda makes me wonder what happens next. :)
| JaffaFoose chapter 1 . 4/2/2011
The plot so far is definitely intriguing to me. A little confusing, and definitely pretty bizarre, but also definitely interesting. It makes me curious as to what exactly is going on: why is the sky red, why is a Teddy Bear transforming into an odd man/savior/stalker/lover/whatever. by the looks of it so far, I'd say maybe she's wrong, and in fact aliens ARE involved. Definitely SOME kind of shapeshifters, at any rate... anyway, the story is engaging ad interesting so far, but I'd say you have some work to do on the writing itself.
First things first, there were several typing errors. These happen to everybody, so don't worry about it, but they are distracting. I'd just suggest proofreading a bit more carefully. For instance, "...and braced myself against in..." The in should be it instead. And, "...but for know I did need to talk to Clint..." The know should be now. Just little things like that.
I also noticed a few mistakes with punctuation. For instance: "Alright Cornell if it isn't aliens what is it," he said with an inquisitive eye.
| CCKins chapter 1 . 3/27/2011
I did like the whole plot but it seemed a bit rushed. I think it would help if you made this piece a little longer so you can space out your details instead of cramming it into one little blob.
(Clint called, said he didn't know what was going on. By the way Gotcha!) You should put "speech marks" or 'quotation marks' around this line or else it looks like the narrator was saying it.
But overall good job! I did like the end because it was mysterious and kinda creepy! Just work on what I said and keep up the good work!