|Reviews for they were submerged|
| Lord Slayer chapter 1 . 6/1/2011
I wish I could give you proper constructive comments but I'm really not that good at analyzing poetry. So I'll just say "good job."
| singer22498 chapter 1 . 5/15/2011
That was really descriptive, and you did a seriously good job.
My favorite stanza was:
the fictitious feeling that
this factual fondling
hands through hair, fingers on cheeks,
palms caressing flesh,
then the all mighty rush.
Some of the words you used were very discriptive like fictious and nauseatingly. I also liked the title, and it helped me picture the moment you described even more. They were submerged.
One of the only critisisms is that im not sure but i think some of the lines should be capitalized. I dont know if it matters, but maybe someone should check online or something hahahaha.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 4/11/2011
Great poem, great imagery! It was really kind of absorbing, and I could really see the elements you brought over from the other version of this. Overall, I enjoyed reading it and you can tell that every word has been picked for a specific reason. I loved the use of language throughout, great job!
| StoryMonster chapter 1 . 4/7/2011
1) so sleepy to be dreaming,
Perhaps it should be 'too'.
2) he was
surrounded by it,
protected by it,
weightless by it - I loved that. It was expressive and emphasized on the moment, although I didn't et the 'weightless' part.
3) she shot that shit and
he fixed one for himself.
finding a vein, he gave her a smile as
the water was added, a lighter was sparked.
the spoon started to bubble, the cotton was dropped.
Amazing. My fav. part.
This was a very good poem, and it brought everything together.
Great job, and keep writing!
| YasuRan chapter 1 . 3/30/2011
Is this your first poem? A smashing good job you've made of it, I have to say :D.
Completely in love with most of these stanzas. They convey the imagery of drowning in a litany of vices so convincingly in simple prose. 'they were submerged' is a fitting name for this poem; I like how it seems to loom over the lovemaking scene as well as the drugs that appear to follow.
Great job :)
| wammyboys chapter 1 . 3/28/2011
XD It seemed to change subjects. That's not a bad thing. My thoughts went: sex, smoking, death. The death.. I'm assuming it was like police or enemy drug dealers. I'm not exactly sure. Either way, good job with a plot. It's hard to find poetry with a sort of story behind it. I didn't catch the story but that could be because it's 2 am.
The flow could've been better. It seemed to get slightly choppy at times and got kind of awkward. I mean, the poem in its entirety wasn't all that G-rated so maybe that's where some of the awkwardness came from. The thing is, when you're writing about an awkward subject you have to be extra extra careful about flow.
Besides that, awesome poem.
| sophiesix chapter 1 . 3/28/2011
Nice! and i finally got my head around the backwards reading thing in this format so am doubly stoked XD
The title at the end i didn't like so much on first reading - i liked it in the middle, it seemed to fit really well there (love teh rythm of it there), but it seemed to detract from the power of teh last para. but on teh other hand, i like that it gives a clue as to teh backwards reading thing - perhaps more so if you also included the title as your first line? Like Patrick, i wasn't so keen on teh factual findling fictious feeling aliteration (though i didn't know why til i read Pats review :) ), and this is coming from someone who secretly adores aliteration - f is a funny one though. Even if you just took factual out, maybe it would be enough to bring to a more enjoyable, subtler level of aliteration?
Parts of this also seemed to me to feel like half prose and half poetry - like it was a bit stuck between teh two? but maybe thats just because i'm coming from it having read teh prose version. i dunno i like both equally actually :D this one really gets teh guts of the prose one and lays it out with the same level of beautiful imagery etc. jyust maybe teh ryhthm of it still seemed a little prosey to me. Love your work!
| thewhimsicalbard chapter 1 . 3/28/2011
I'm hoping this review is epic.
I still think the idea for this piece is brilliant. But, I do have one thing that bugs me about this piece: it might be a little bit too long for the title at the bottom thing to work.
I noticed that you said that you don't know if you're using punctuation the right way; I think that when it comes to punctuation in poetry, I do pretty well, so I'm going to pay special attention to that.
I think that it works on the way up better than on the way down. When I did "forever: a terrible idea he said to her", that was definitely the hardest part, and I think that your concerns about punctuation are very valid. I notice that within the poem, your pattern changes. At some points, especially those where the punctuation doesn't work at all when reading from the top down, you change your pattern of favoring the punctuation arbitrarily - I don't think that works.
I'm not sure how much of your punctuation lessons you remember from your comp classes, so I'll just throw things out there I think might help you. The first thing I think might help you is the dash, for several reasons - it can replace a comma, a colon, or a semicolon. It's also flashy - it helps you show off certain things, and the best part for you is that you can replace virtually any period with a semicolon - and then subsequently with a dash - as long as the two ideas are connected. And, in a poem, they usually are.
So, the point of that entire last paragraph: use more dashes to get rid of those awkward places that don't work for backward and forward. Also, don't fear the semicolon. In fact, I have a good link for you (I think it's posted in the Box Seats, actually) if you are both interested and need to learn how to use them effectively.
Overall, the top-to-bottom read is weaker than the bottom-to-top, though I'm sure you knew that - I find that the same thing is true in "forever". If I ever figure out how to fix that, you'll be the first to know. And to do this in your first poem, Kim, is incredibly impressive. You've done excellent work, and I think you should write more poems. Your talent for imagery definitely carries over from your prose, so I won't waste too much wordspace telling you about that, except to say that you do well.
There are a few parts that give me pause, though, so I'll point them out and explain why so that you can get better and make more complex and relevant poetry.
The first thing is the alliteration that you do here:
"the fictitious feeling that
this factual fondling
hands through hair, fingers on cheeks,"
I really am not a fan of this. The alliteration is the feature of this stanza that catches the most attention, and the sound of those words is - even relatively for where it's located - too whimsical and light-hearted for this poem, I think.
I can tell that you have a good sense for line breaks and enjambment, though. In case you didn't know, enjambment is a line break that occurs at a point where there is not a complete stop (a period, comma, etc). For example:
"they leaned against each other as the world began to swirl,
this was good stuff -"
I know you took this (almost) directly from My Sweet Prince, but it works remarkably well. The especially cool thing here is the fact that the double meaning of the line break corresponds to the themes of the poem the way it's read. Brilliant work. That's poetry as good as it gets.
I think you have a really good grasp on just about everything you might possibly need to learn how to write poetry, except for one thing - I don't think you're very aware of the sound of your words. You are very precise with what the words mean, and what they imply, but since almost all poetry is meant to be read out loud at some level, you need to worry about that, too. Now, not every poet is the same, so don't take this as gospel, but I think (and I'm sure Emily would agree) that you really have to be concerned about the way that the sounds of your words leave a reader's lips and how that influences the mood and especially the rhythm of your poem.
Rhythm is the only other thing in this poem that makes me hesitate a little bit. While it is mostly solid, it's very irregular at times, and occasionally contradictory. I'll explain what I mean by that.
The major devices of rhythm are, in no particular order: the way your poems are read according to the order and nature of the words, your punctuation, your line breaks, and (this one is very important) the syntax of your first line. While it is evident that you pay attention to all of these things, you don't necessarily focus on all of them at the same time - which would be the key. You can find a short guide to reading poetry on my profile, which explains the way to treat punctuation in poetry. I think that will help a lot. As for the first line bit, while it is essential in dictating the way the rest of your poem is read, I don't think you have a problem with it here. For me, the rhythmic issues in this poem come about when there are contradictions between what your words tell me and what your punctuation tells me. If that doesn't make sense, just ask, and I'll try to clarify.
So... Your first poem! Haha I love it! Please write more; goodness knows we need it around here. Besides, if you write more that means you can read my poems and think they're more than just cool-sounding (I do have some ulterior motives :P).
Hopefully this doesn't discourage you from writing more poems; overall I'd give this an 8.5 out of 10 for a first attempt, and this is only your first draft. I just wanted to make sure you could get better!
Again, congrats on finishing your first one!
Was the review epic enough? ;)
| SomeRandomScribbles chapter 1 . 3/28/2011
You use language really well in this :) The intensity and emotions are very strong throughout. You draw the reader in by starting in the thick of the action, and then continuing the action for the entire poem. I love how the tone starts quite gently, but get more and more sinister.
I personally feel the lack of capitilization doesn't do much for the poem and makes it a little hard to read. I also feel using the word "sniffles" near the end isn't very effective - perhaps a strong word might match the darkness and intensity reached by this point?
Overall, a great poem! :)