|Reviews for Escape|
| Ioga chapter 1 . 11/4/2011
Hi, walked into this story completely at random - it was in the first hits when I was searching for a story I'd read earlier to review it. The summary caught me - I like escape stories.
The pacing is rather intense, short paragraphs, fitting a panicked flight. It's a bit of a confusing contrast when she has time to phase off thinking of the past during this!
A few nitpicks:
"While in my quarters, he came." - who was in her quarters? The sentence is incomplete (or more like, the meaning is altered by the current form).
"shouted a battle cry" - I was wondering if the combination of shouting and a cry works in English, it sounds a bit weird to my non-native ear.
'"My name is Caden. I'm here to help you." Help me? Why would he do that?' - Even though she doesn't say these thoughts aloud, it might be easier to follow if they were separated from Caden's line with a paragraph break because they're so talk-like. This paragraph, in turn, can end with the spoken response, "Why?"
"We left, taking all the supplies we could find." Where from? They were in the middle of woods? Is it the stuff the master was hauling with him, or did they go back to fetch them?
"seeing a horrific site" - sight, possibly?
The jump to brief affair with Caden was a _bit_ sudden. They're on the run, stopping for the night, boy goes "hey, we'll get married", girl goes "what are you, crazy? let's get out of the woods first!" ;) (Or at least maybe takes a while to go "ohhhh you're THAT guy" given the complex context change and repressed memories.)
But hey, nice and dark ending. :) I was wondering a bit if there should be a last not-in-future-tense wrap-up sentence to it. But the mood is just right.
Thanks for this!