Reviews for Ocotillo
simpleplan13 chapter 1 . 4/3/2011
"laugh-lined desert/deserts us"... awesome lines. I loved the whole desert desert thing. It flowed well and was very creative. I also thought laugh-lines was a really unique and fitting way to describe the desert.

"watched from the rooftop with/your arm across my back."... I couldn't get an image with this line. I couldn't figure out how two people would watch something one with both arms across the other's back. I know it's nitpicky, but one of things I like so much about your piece is how I see them in my head when I read them so this just sort of threw that off for me.

"montages of mirages, and/marriages burn at the stake".. again great play on words here!

I sorta got lost in this piece. The beginning was set in the desert and I got how that worked into the second and third stanza, but then the change to New England really confused me. Is this a different time in the narrator's life? Was the desert in New England somewhere? Like a sand bar or something?

I did like how you tied it back to the beginning with the directions, but I didn't get what those two months specifically meant.

I also loved the last two stanzas. They were just really beautiful. The repetition worked great. But I wish it kinda connected more to the rest of the piece. It seemed like a separate train of thought to me.

Overall, you have some really great descriptions and word choices as always. And maybe me getting lost was just me... lol. In which case totally ignore like 1/2 of this review.
account inactive00000 chapter 1 . 4/2/2011
Love this. I love poems about places. This is very well done- love the part about the West, and the deserts...really very clear and precise in creating an image, I like the motion this poem has.

Only crit- the last line, instead of "I'm made of" I'd probably end it with "and nothing else." The "I'm made of" doesn't flow as smoothly, and while I love repetition, right there I think it interrupts the flow of it. But otherwise, this is a really well-written poem, very nice work!