Reviews for Younger girls
Gilee7 chapter 1 . 6/16/2011
[Younger Girls / Lay nude and dreaming in the haylofts;] Any story, poem, or movie that begins with nudity immediately captures my interest. I think that's a strategy that should be employed by every artist, LOL.

[open-mouthed at the moon, / while would-be lovers swallow / oceans to distract their eyes from / those faces

sullen and still,] This is a hell of a stanza. Amazing imagery. I'm sure the sexualness of it is intentional. I mean, if we're picturing nude girls, and they're "open-mouthed," I immediately think of oral sex. Especially with "swallow" following shortly afterwards, and then "oceans," since I've often heard the taste of semen described as being salty like seawater.

[those faces / sullen and still] A hyphen after "faces" might be more effective. There's just something about these two lines being only two words that seems to jar a bit when included after the three longer lines.

[those barn doors collapsing] I'd omit the word "those" and just begin the sentence with "barns." I think it sounds better, and "those" was just used as the first word two lines earlier.

[the maternity of age wasted] Your use of the word "maternity" is quite interesting here. In a way, it's very pro-female, kinda like when people refer to God as a She.
simpleplan13 chapter 1 . 4/2/2011
In your summary you have laylofts, but I'm thinking it's a typo and you meant hayloft.

I think the barn door stanza could be its own sentence since it's really a separate thought from the previous stanza. Technically it's not grammatically a sentence because it starts with those and not the, but I think poetic license would be enough to make it a sentence.

I liked how the title was the first line of the piece. It was different.

The piece itself was good. As always your descriptions were great. I also liked the ending with fraternity and maternity. It was a nice parallel.
MidnightSun95 chapter 1 . 4/2/2011
I just loved the words used in this, the emotion was captured vividly. Great job.
account inactive00000 chapter 1 . 4/2/2011
Oh, wow, I like this one. The shortness of it is really fitting for the subject and I love the image it paints. 'open-mouthed at the moon' is a great line; well done.

Only small crit is in the last line, I'm trying to figure out why the word 'maternity' is used? Lol maybe I'm just dense right now (it is morning...never my best time). It just seems kind of out of place with the rest of the poem. Otherwise, this is definitely really good, I love what I see when I read it.
Poisoned Twinkles chapter 1 . 4/1/2011
Lovely words and enjambment. The message is portrayed quite clearly.