|Reviews for Shouting the battle cry of freedom|
| Gilee7 chapter 1 . 6/16/2011
The last poem I read had the 's' alliteration going on, and this poems starts out with it, too: "south," "spanish," "stands," "shadow, "slave," and so on. Alliteration is something you've always been very effective at. When many writers attempt it, the word choices feel forced. Not the case with you, where it always reads very naturally.
[stirs tea somewhere] I'd clarify that it's sweet tea, since that's what we Southeners are addicted to.
[gut of the house] Nice metaphor, although I think I've seen you use it before. It sounds familiar. Maybe I just read this poem before and I don't remember.
[slave / boys catch tales of swamp / foxes and devils between / their teeth.] I like the wordplay with "tales" instead of "tails."
[The old Cajun, / Norlans, spoken as one / word, with accent] If it's spoken with accent, shouldn't it be "Nawlans?" That's how most Southerners pronounce it, and especially Cajuns. Even though I've tried to get rid of my Southern accent, I still slip up sometimes and slip a 'w' into words it doesn't belong.
I like the repetition of "mammy doll," since it kind of serves as a transition point for the shift that occurs in the second half of the poem.
[mammy doll- give / her to lay down in sleep / and genteel Creole wallops / the fervor of the still day] The phrasing here is a bit awkward.
[and arias ofpetulant aristocracy] Loading error.
[shouting the sullen battle / cry of freedom before a god / they were all taught to believe in.] I like these lines, since I know how true they are. Growing up in the Bible Belt, I was also taught Christianity as if it's a scientific fact and not a matter of belief. Even though I've never been very religious, it wasn't until the last few years that I finally felt like I was thinking for myself when it came to my beliefs.
I know that you live in Seattle, which is about as far away as you can get from the American South without leaving the country. Perhaps you've done a bit of traveling, because you're able to write about the South quite convincingly.
| simpleplan13 chapter 1 . 4/2/2011
"a timeless/time,"... I would put a period there because the next part seems like a new thought.
"gut of the house, and the slave"... I really liked the word gut there. It was so graphic.
"boys catch tales of swamp"... I liked this play on tale/tail.
"Norlans, spoken as one"... I like how you spelled that phonetically, but I think you should put it in quotes if it's supposed to be him speaking.
I would use semi-colons instead of commas between the parts about the different places just to separate them a bit more.
The second half of the piece as one sentence was definitely a runon. You might want to punctuate it some more. I also wasn't a fan of the repetition of mammy doll. It just didn't seem to serve a purpose to me. And it sounded redundant.
I did like the piece though. The scene you create in the beginning is really great and I love all the word choices in the end (some of which I will admit I had to look up). The only thing is the very sophisticated word choice is totally different than the tone in the first half of the piece, which kinda caused a disconnect for me.
Powerful last three lines. I also love the term "sullen battle"
| account inactive00000 chapter 1 . 4/2/2011
Ah, I really like this. Love the way you describe the South, very well put together and a very complete portrait. Small little suggestion- in the section where you're talking about the cities, after each stanza a semi-colon would make a little more sense than a comma. But that's just a small nitpick, otherwise it's really good. I liked this a lot!