|Reviews for The Final Shot|
| abstract settings chapter 1 . 11/12/2011
I like it, sad and short.
(this is midnightstar19 BTW)
| DJ fresh beatz chapter 1 . 6/22/2011
I think it's really good. No suggestions
| angella chapter 1 . 5/30/2011
if he only grazed the guys arm, why is he dead. wonderful story, but clear up that part.
| Justin M chapter 1 . 4/3/2011
Just wanted to start off by saying "bravo" for writing a Western. Extremely unpopular genre on this site and I'm extremely glad to see more additions to it.
Now, to get in to the thick of it.
First off, I do like how you establish the backstory in the beginning that Sheriff Roscher is no longer in town, and now a regular bystander is debating within his mind whether he should do something so risky.
Then the dialogue hits, and I only have a few suggestions:
Firstly, the dialogue seems very forced. And I don't mean that in an extremely negative way; dialogue is the hardest thing for me to do, but in the early 1900s, no one, especially townspeople in small towns such as the one I've envisioned through your writing, spoke with such great English, if you catch my meaning. There was excessive slang.
Secondly, the two-line conversation between the man (Johnny) and his wife (Sarah) seems completely unnecessary to me. The way you set up the conversation in the paragraph beforehand says what he needed to state perfectly, especially the graveness of "In case I die."
Moving on, I absolutely love how you went so drastically from him winning to him actually losing; a twist that's hard to see coming.
However, at the end, I feel like you sharing his thoughts from "in the clouds" (I imagine heaven), it seems to kind of throw the atmosphere/mood off completely, making it less impacting. Perhaps change it to what thoughts were racing through his mind as he lay on the ground, slowly bleeding out?
Anyway, these are just my two cents on your piece. I do realize that it was a one-shot deal (no pun intended). Wish you all the best.