Reviews for In His Arms She Fell
Nancy chapter 5 . 4/27/2011
Well I just wanted to tell you that I love your story so far...

I really had wished if they had kissed at te end of the chapter

Well more like I wish she had kissed him but that

Would have been a little out of character for her but still..

Well update soon...
J.J.2123 chapter 4 . 4/17/2011
Really good chapter. I really like how the story began and the realistic feel behind the plot. Good Job
yunique chapter 4 . 4/17/2011
really nice start! i'm interested as to how their relationship will develop as the story progresses :)

Update soon :D
foxyricanlady chapter 4 . 4/16/2011
wow great chapter... i hope you update soon
Sax and Violins chapter 1 . 4/11/2011
Newcomer from the Review Exchange thread (sadly, the posting ability on the forums is down at the moment, it seems)!

This is pretty solidly written; you have a strong grasp on your characters and know where you want the narrative to go. I'm not a romance reader, so for me to have read through and reviewed it means you have done well on that front and not fallen into clicheville enough to drive me away.

Quibbles:

Effective start, in medias res. There's a little too much pondering before Liza comes in, though, and I'd question the names a bit - Lila Mae and Liza Ann are a little too similar. If Liza dies in the second chapter or something, however, this isn't a concern.

Too many said-bookisms. 'Said,' 'asked,' and 'replied' are invisible words to the reader and are perfectly fine to use. On the other hand, you write the accent with the dropped 'g's well, without it being cliche or mawkishly written.

Missing commas at the start of dialogue: 'Geez, Lila Mae...' - 'Well, yesterday Mama...' - 'Hey, girls...' should be written thus. For dialogue, err on the side of more commas than less, because that helps the reader parse the words better.

This is a real nitpick, but I would write out BBQ. I know it's written that way in the South but on a pure textual level, it makes me, a Yankee, have to stop and sound out the word, removing me from the narrative.

When it gets to the 'Oh yeah/Yeah' dialogue, it feels like there's a bit too much talking and not enough action. I'd see if there's anything in there that you could possibly pare down.

You introduce a lot of names in dialogue - do you need to? It might be easier for the reader to parse if you took some of the names out or at least introduced them a little more gradually.

Needs to be scanned for typos. For instance, in second paragraph, 'aspecrs' instead of 'aspects.' Also, numbers like '25' should be written out unless the character is actually reading the number written somewhere. 'Being the same age as she (was),' not 'as her (was)'.

Questions should have lowercase tags: "Where'd you disappear to today?" he asked playfully.

From a pure scan level, the untagged dialogue sticks out a bit too much for my tastes, compared to the lengthier paragraphs. I'd try to integrate them a bit more so they didn't look choppy. On the printed page, this might not be a concern, but on the computer, it jars.

Hope this helps!
x Storm x chapter 3 . 4/8/2011
Hi! Love this story. Keith's a bit of a jerk, but it is kind of expected, with all the stuff that is happening to him. I can imagine that Pelahatchie isn't really his ideal type of place. And Lila Mae is an interesting 'co-lead' character. She seems 3-dimensional, which is good: her place in her family/community is interesting and, well, I can't imagine how she must feel about having to be in a serious relationship (at 18!) with a guy she isn't in love with.

Now, I'm just curious as to how Lila and Keith could possibly have any kind of relationship... since he's only passing by (and in a hurry) and... well, they're quite different - but that's not a bad thing, in this case. Anyway, I can't wait for the next chapter! Good job!

PS: A question. Is it intentional that you don't accept anonymous reviews? I'm just asking since, if it's not, you could change this in your profile and you would probably get more reviews in the future, since I believe this story deserves it.
foxyricanlady chapter 3 . 4/8/2011
wow i have to say what an ass! well i guess a i was expecting him to walk with his nose up in the air but that was rude but i loved it cant wait for the next chapter please update soon
foxyricanlady chapter 2 . 4/5/2011
wow great chapter i really your way of writting it really good. the way you discribe the charactors its wait for the next chapter i hope they meet soon
foxyricanlady chapter 1 . 4/5/2011
i just started reading this story now cause the title really caught my eye and im glad i really like what you have so far. got a good picture of lila mae and her family and her life i really like it cant wait to read the next chapter
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