|Reviews for Another Story|
| SiriMelk chapter 1 . 6/27/2011
I was pulled in right at the first few writing gives off a strong sense of emotion. By the look of your writing, and the way you word things, I expect that you are very capable of describing sensory details (like sight, sound, touch, smell, even taste...) I hope to see more of that. Great job! :D
| Lynn K. Hollander chapter 2 . 6/7/2011
Consistent problems with the dialogue tags. These are all sentence fragments: Then she called. She told her mother. Ridena said. These are all part of a single two part sentence: what was said, and who said it. They go like this: Then she called(AND HERE YOU NEED A COMMA), 'Mom, I'm ready. When will we go?' You need the comma, otherwise 'Then she called' is not joined to anything, and is left dangling alone, making no sense at all, as a sentence fragment. What was said and who said it need to be together: ' I-umm…Well, I'm ready(COMMA),' she told her mother. Notice that the first word following the closing quotation marks is capitalized only when it is a proper name: 'Oh, yes. I will just put on my shorts. You go already to the corridor. And take your phone(COMMA),' Ridena said.
This is _way_ wrong: 'Hello, Alice, !' She called out Try re-writing: 'Hello, Alice!' she called out...
Some sentences simply do not make sense: "I wasn't sure your mother would like it, so I time to time, this Oracle, the Oracle of Gvahni, says a prophecy." Some paragraphs do not make sense: ' Hetikosa I said hi.' Madeleine nodded. 'Good bye, Alice, Madeleine.'
And is there some reason your character says this ungrammatical sentence: 'No thank you, Alice and me already ate breakfast'? Apparently this is Ridena. Would she really say, 'Me already ate?' as you have her do? It seems strange.
'...Usually once in three Oracle of Gvahni predicts a riddle...' What does this mean? Once in three what? Only one Oracle of every three Oracles of Gvahni ever offers a prophecy? This Oracle of Gvahni offers a prophecy once in every three times of being asked? What do you mean the reader to understand here? Also, in general, riddles are not predicted. Do you mean the Oracle prophesies in riddles?
Take your time, don't rush the proofreading. There are simple omissions, typos, and obviously faulty sentences here that a more thorough and painstaking reading of your work would catch. Try reading the story aloud. Make sure what you have written is what you want to say.
| She's the hopeless romantic chapter 1 . 5/23/2011
Ok so the concept was really good. Full of contrast and meaning. But you need to reread this particular draft. The way you presented the information was a bit confusing and some of the sentences didn't make sense. Also, You should try to make the sentences more interesting by putting in other words besides just "Alice" and "She. Sometimes compound sentences are great too. Thank you for entertaining the readers with your elaborate story. I'm looking forward to how it will develope. Peace!
| Lynn K. Hollander chapter 1 . 5/16/2011
Spell check your work.
This: "Because no worry exsisted to her anymore. Because Alice was asleep, and will only wake up when the time , though that time is not far away, it isn't at the moment. And, what I said before, it will come. But not yet." is several confused sentence fragments. Try: "No worry existed for her. Alice was asleep..." and after that it becomes impossible to guess what you might mean. Try simpler sentences, with a subject and a verb: Alice((the subject)) was asleep((the verb)).
This is confused and unedited: 'A haven't visited her for some time.'Ridena spoke. I think you meant to have 'I' instead of 'A'. Remember NOT to end the dialogue with a period. Here, use a comma. More correctly: "I haven't visited her for some time,' Ridena spoke. Here is another example of this particular problem: "... You go ahead, though." Alice exlaimed. Repunctuated, it looks like this: "...You go ahead, though.' Alice exlaimed.
Alice turned a round, and started towards the toilet. She went towards the sink, and washed her hands. She looked up. In the mirror. Problems. Alice turned a round. This construction makes Alice turn something outside herself. If you mean that she reveresed her position, it's 'Alice turned around.' 'A round' is NOT the same as 'around'. ((You get it right a little further along.)) '...started towards the toilet. She went towards the sink...' Why did she start for the toilet if she wanted to wash her hands? In the mirror -this is another sentence fragment. What about the mirror? Try: 'In the mirror, she saw another figure...'
Be sure to take your time when you read over your work before posting. Proofreading may be boring, but it is necessary. Don't skip this important part of writing.
| May Fox chapter 1 . 4/13/2011
ok, so this is what i think: the idea is brilliant, you describe everything so well it makes it fun and exciting to read! I like: may st Umelis guide you today! its very interesting. Pls , pls, pls, pls update the next chapter!