|Reviews for Three of Diamonds: Rise at Dawn|
| 017Bluefield chapter 1 . 11/13/2011
My advice? Grammar work, and proper sequencing. That's news in a nutshell for your friend.
| Mike T. Smith chapter 1 . 7/12/2011
this is really good keep up the good work
| Futurewriter16 chapter 5 . 7/12/2011
| Futurewriter16 chapter 4 . 5/11/2011
Gr... What happened? I didn't see chapter 5!
| Futurewriter16 chapter 4 . 5/4/2011
OMGosh... That was sweet of u to say that u wish this was ur book! I'm sure Bonny vun bun bun will be happy to here that... ;)... Anyway I love it and I was counting down to when u would post...(sad right)... any way I LOVE IT! Can't wait for the next chapter!
| Futurewriter16 chapter 3 . 4/27/2011
I couldn't stop smiling (for some random reason) )}:3 (angry chef)
| Feuer Vogel14 chapter 2 . 4/22/2011
ah, great improvement :D
still a lot that im wondering, but thats good. not really too much confusion, and im very interested in how they got their powers like that...hm. can be explained later.
and one last thing: this happens a few times in the dialogue, something you can work on - an example is the last two paragraphs, last sentence, where you have 'i saw him mouth the words into the radio,' - next paragraph - "i see her."
that can be in the same sentence, its own paragraph. there were a few other times like that, but only a few.
good job on the overall chapter, by the way :D
| here little shripmy shrimp chapter 1 . 4/21/2011
hahah its me again i know bonny vn bunbun she is like my sister i love her. i read the entire book already so haha to you all im a winner eventhough i didnt win anything. this book is my fav caus it is readible and exicting ;D. i just have 1 no 2 (oh well go die math) last things to say (in high pitched voice) here little shrimpy shrimp lalalalalalalalalal and i smell like cheese hahahahahaha i laugh WAIT! (e!) ok bye hahah i bet you peoples think im wierd...RANDOM LETTERS! AKFJDKLGT;RAIWOETJARIWET;UHJAREITYHFERJAT'IEF JDI
| Feuer Vogel14 chapter 1 . 4/18/2011
awwohh, sorry you dont have internet :( i feel spoiled.
ok, so, first off, this story line is awesome. im very excited for the next chapter from what you said about witches and stuff in the summary, but im wondering: are these the people that are witches? if so, do they know or not?...things like that - just a few things that can be cleared in later chapters
and, wow - 55 acres? im so jealous...just...no. dont even. im lucky i live in the suburbs instead of city. (sniff)
overall writing: the word order is a little iffy, but its only in a few places. no biggy, just something you can work on :D
anyways, great story so far! enjoyed it
(hey, gilraenstar...does she know that youre using the name Bonny Vn BunBun? i like it, and am laughing about it, and she probably is too, but im wondering...)
| here lilttle shrimpy shrimp chapter 1 . 4/14/2011
love the story,go Elena, if you dont know who i am shame, shame to you
| S.N.G.P.A chapter 1 . 4/14/2011
that was really cool. i'm stuped on what the necklaces might be. i know Bonny Vn BunBun from school.
| Milady Tina chapter 1 . 4/13/2011
Alright, first things first. Alex seems to describe things a bit strangely for a fourteen year old. Think about it. Have you ever thought about anyone's hair with the words, “like an ocean of red?”
It feels unnatural and far too flowery. Also, you should focus more on describing things as you need to. Alex's best friends are described before they are introduced, but Alex's mom isn't even given a sentence of description? That seems odd, especially for a first person story. I think it would've been a great idea to describe why Sabrina decided to cut her hair with kitchen scissors. It would give us more insight into her character.
You mention an older sister, but it's completely random, and it leaves the chapter feeling choppy and rushed. You don't need to mention family members that aren't currently in the scene. I'm not saying that you should just randomly have her pop up somewhere, because that would be equally bad. Try giving her a few lines here, and show how she interacts with her brother. It would be nice.
You describe Alex's little sister's footsteps as “pitter patter," which makes me think of an infant incapable of speech. She then greets Elena and Sabrina. How old is she?
On that note, when you describe age, there's no need to come right out and say it, especially if it's three friends in the same age group. It feels like you're just dumping the information onto the reader. Tell us without really telling us. Use context clues.
The whole “falling down the hill” scene felt clumsy. It seemed like Alex readily accepted tumbling down a hill and getting cut up as a daily occurrence. Instead of worrying about his own safety, the first thing he says is, “My mom will kill me!”
That wouldn't be the first thing I worried about. I would be screaming about how I just split my knee open on a rock after I fell down a hill, only to plop into a river.
Sabrina and Elena seem like flat characters. Their personalities aren't really explored, so I can't get a feel for them, and it leaves the reader uninterested. People want to be able to connect with a character, and they can't do that unless you show how they act and react to certain situations. How do they feel about something? Why? What do they do about? Obviously, since this is first person, you wouldn't be able to quite say that Elena and Sabrina felt a certain way, but you would be able to show, through their actions, how they felt. Also, description from first person, even when Alex is describing other people, can give insight into his own personality, fleshing him out even more.
I may read more, as it seems like a cute piece of fiction, and it has potential. You just need a bit of work done.
| Futurewriter16 chapter 1 . 4/13/2011
That turned out great!