Reviews for The Reason
swamp13 chapter 1 . 4/15/2011
i lik it (:
Drops of Jewpiter chapter 1 . 4/15/2011
bummer about the spacing- i hate when fiction press does that
PregnantPickle chapter 1 . 4/15/2011

I do think there's potential here, but I'll just give you a few pointers.

1) The spacing.


Seriously, though, space out your text to make it easier to read. I don't know why FP would just delete all the spaces, but if it is a legitimate problem, fine (and if it comes up again, ask the owners about it).

2) The pace is slightly disjointed. In what I shall call the opening paragraph, where Kayla sets the scene, it comes across as a bit of an infodump, telling us where she used to live, why she had to move, all about her family and past details... I'd slip description in gradually over the story, rather than dropping it all on the reader's head at once. Also, her suddenly introducing herself after she talks about how the whole school hated her sounds a bit strange, as does her being afraid of her new school and then going to sleep having a good feeling about it. (And is Andy one of the emo guys at the McDonald's? I can't really tell, the syntax is a bit weird, as it is when you say Kayla could "barely make out what they were saying", and then writing out all their dialogue.)

3) Just an inquiry: is the thing with Hoobastank's "The Reason" supposed to reveal character, or is it just a background detail? If it's the former, I'd avoid that sort of thing, because I'd bet that a lot of readers (myself included) don't know "The Reason", or what it tells us about her character.

4) The backstory of a whole school being turned against her is something I've seen a lot before, and it almost always comes across as "HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME?" But if you can pull this off without making it sound whiny, you win an Internets.

Also, there were a few minor grammatical and spelling errors, but nothing major. Just make sure to turn the spellchecker on. (Well, except for "McDonaldz". Dear God, let's hope you're not spelling it that way "becuz itz kewler, duh".)

So, to conclude, this has potential, but you just need to revise a few of those things.