|Reviews for Edward & Alice OLD|
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 8 . 7/7/2013
The events in this chapter might have had more impact if they were kept separate. By that, I mean maybe have Alice’s section in a different chapter to David’s. As it is, it feels like we’re just getting into something with Alice and her family and then we’re suddenly back with David. Although I think you’re doing a better job balancing description and dialogue, I still felt that some parts were a bit too dialogue heavy. There’s a lot of telling going on, too. Show more. It’s hard to really feel anything for David, and I think you could do with building up some more likable points to him and Wallis. To Alice, too actually. It’s fine for them to have their faults, but none of them really come across as likeable and it’s hard to root for characters like that. At points, Wallis feels almost too much of a caricature, too unrealistic. Work on balancing that out so the reader can see why David actually wants to be with her. As always, hope this helps.
| Highway Unicorn chapter 4 . 2/12/2013
Hey there! Sorry for taking forever to return the review; college life has been taking a lot of my life lately DX
Anywhos. I shall review now :DDDD
I really enjoyed your opening, and the perspective of the Royal family's arrival. It showed an excited feeling that probably most regular civilans felt around the royal family, so I thought you did really good at showing that. I also enjoyed seeing Rose's dedication just to make a veil for the Queen's hat; she put all that work for something so simple, but she did it for the love of the Queen and the royal family, and that's real loyality right there :'D
[Opposite Alice was the Duchess of York...] I think it would sound/flow better if you added 'from' between "opposite" and "Alice."
I thought the emotion over the old King's death was well written; very believeable :) And the intense feelings that Alice was feeling, especially during her and David's...lovin' scene, was nicely done as well, and it really shows how couples are, when compared to other stories where everything is perfect and everybody poops rainbows lol. But yeah, I think you have a talent of showing the *real* emotions in *real* relationships. :DDDDD
Overall, good job! :D
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 7 . 2/7/2013
I can see what you're trying to do with the dynamic between them, but it just moves a tad too fast between arguing and ripping each other's clothes off. I think you need to sprinkle in a bit more 'desire' when they're fighting. The POVs switch too much, too, going from one character to another, so I think you need to make that more stable, establish which character's POV you want the story told from, and if you're going to switch, don't do it mid-scene. A lot of telling, too, with lines such as [That was another trouble associated with being King.] I feel like, because of that and the heavy use of dialogue, plus the switching POVs, we don't really get to know many of the characters like we should. It's hard to tell what Alice is feeling. Lines like [But if only the Queen knew how her King was deceiving her as he made love to her only for the absence of another.] bring in too much of an omnipresent narrator, too, which doesn't fit with the rest of the story. Just a few things you may want to consider working on; it'd make the story stronger, as a whole.
| Highway Unicorn chapter 3 . 11/21/2012
I really, REALLY thought the opening dream was brilliant. It was just played out so well, with so many emotions. First, it was the perfect life any mother would want, with the happy children and the playful husband who is a good father. And then it turns into a nasty nightmare with Henry showing up, which allows the readers to clearly see how his death still haunts her. So I applaud you for that bit. It was a good call to includ that because the dreams represent the subcousious, and the sub represents the hidden emotions of the mind. :)
["I don't know, Mother, but I assume that Daddy still managed to want to share a bed with you when you were in similar circumstances after our births?" Alice sneered.] HA. Nice comeback. XP
Alice is clearly under a lot of stress :( I hope that it doesnt develop into a serious case that might even harm the baby. And David is just...sending bad vibes :I And when Simpson was mentioned, affair went off in my mind. I hope he's not/or hasn't cheated on Alice, but if he does, I suppose it would serve well in plot development. :)
I really like how you're able to convey characters frustrations and emotions through their converstations, like with David. :D Good job on that! :D
| Highway Unicorn chapter 2 . 11/19/2012
Hey there! :D
O, Alice has a snappy side to her! But I find that to be a good characteristic. :D I feel bad for the young maid however, and I think you did a really good job at describing her timid side while packing the clothes in front of Alice, what with the shaky elbows and her timid responses. :)
I like the tension bulit between Alice and her mother; there is some form of distress between them, and I wonder what exactly did Alice's mother do to cause this. ["I have no idea, Mother...] And i've often noticed from novels/cinema that when a daughter is frustrated with their mother, they add in 'mother' in a annoyed tone of voice when addressing said parent, so I think you did good by having her add in the 'mother' bits throughout her speeches. :)
[Alice sighed heavily and glanced down at her stomach, brushing the soft material of her dress with her fingertips she whispered "Henry..."] :( Did she have a miscarraidge, stillborn, or did an infant die? :( Is that what the maids were whispering about? errrr, it says later on. That's such a sad and horrible thing to happen to a mother. :(
I think you have a real talent with dialogue and converying strong emotions! :D This is turning out to be such an interesting and dramatic story, and I reallllly like it! :D I can see this going places, and even being publishined (and i'm not just saying this since you said the same about mine!) It's really good, and you just have this gift of sucking the reader in! :D
| Highway Unicorn chapter 1 . 9/5/2012
First, I really enjoyed your choice of diction. It fits perfectly with the time frame you've chosen, and it flows natural, like it wasn't forced. :D
I really like this beginning, and it helped me understand actual history! :D I know little about the whole Edward VIII leaving the throne, but so far, i'm understanding it pretty clearly because of this. ;P
So, based on your summary and this first chapter, him choosing Alice and marrying her has happened, correct? And now they're ready to take on the throne, correct? If so, (and if you have already done this then ignore what i'm about to say), i think it would be interesting if you had a flashback on how he choose Alice over Wallis, or not. Your story is perfect any way. :D
Anyways, I actually enjoyed this, and i love the fact that it's based on real history. Good start. :D
| DutchAver chapter 10 . 8/26/2012
It's sad to see Alice's strong devotion to her husband, knowing that it is not responded. It's even sadder to see David - the very last person in a position to doubt her loyalty as he's sleeping with Wallis - doubt that devotion and making her do things that no woman would ever do. (Though, if they're the things that I think Alice means, then they're very common now... still, no reason for David to make Alice do them against her will) Maybe he's projecting his own doubts about Alice on Alice herself? Maybe he's wondering about the future of the relationship, but doesn't want to face that himself, so he tells himself that Alice is the one doubting?
I wonder what you're going to do with world war two. Is it still going to take place? It would be very interesting to see Edward and Alice, with their strained marriage, trying to fight a war against Hitler. But, you've left Chamberlain out - and that might mean that Churchill will be the one signing the treaty. And if Churchill's going to be the one to sign it, then I don't think the Nazis will come out even nearly as favorably. And many historians agree that that treaty was the final point where World War II might have been prevented(as far as I remember). So I wonder what kind of exciting stuff you have planned for us in the next chapter.
I will see you around next time. If you hadn't noticed it yet - you've got me hooked :)
| DutchAver chapter 9 . 8/26/2012
I think I'm gradually beginning to understand Rachel. It seems like her mother doted on her, and that she was her mother's favorite daughter; she heard that so often, that she grew to believe she was superior over all her other siblings. And because all of her mother's support, she actually achieved more than the rest - but then, Alice married Edward instead of Rachel. Suddenly, Alice would become queen and Rachel lost her superior attitude over Alice. That's probably why they get along so badly, because Rachel can't stand seeing that one of her siblings has done better than her :( It's obvious that their mother wasn't the best in the world. Oh yes, this was a pretty dysfunctional family, and it shows in Alice's behavior. I think she's reflecting her mother's upbringing into her own children.
I'm not sure to who I should be angry. I am angry of David, because he constantly slips into affairs(and the excuse 'I'm a man, I can't help it' doesn't work with me) but I'm also a bit angry at Alice for letting him off the hook so easily. I'm glad that she found out about his affair with lady Furness(is she real?) but she needs to find out about Wallis too, so that she can confront him and force him to choose between herself and Wallis. Alice is naive, and she should be angry at David where she is actually soothing and angry at herself. She really should go out and confront him, and make him swear that he'll tell the truth. And then, she should ask him if he has something going on with Wallis. I wonder if he'd lie then. (He probably would, but it would be worth a try)
The ending seems to implicate that George has chased away Wallis with saying that David doesn't live there. Let's hope that happens, for all our sakes.
One more chapter for today :)
| DutchAver chapter 8 . 8/26/2012
Huh. Wha. Right. Sorry, of course, this is an alternative history, so you can do what you want - but it was still quite a surprise(as you probably intended it to be) to have Churchill win the elections instead. That, or I have my order of elections messed up and you had Baldwin win Chamberlain's election and this is history going as it should be. Sorry, being Dutch, my British history isn't all what it should be. (Which is why this story is extra interesting for me, because I'm looking at history from a British perspective now)
I wonder how many of the Cavendish-siblings are real. I know that Alice is fake, but is Charlie real? Or did you make up the whole Cavendish-family? And what about Rachel, is she real? She is the 'beloved High and Mighty sister' Alice discussed in the last chapter, right?
With all those siblings, I can imagine that there's always a sibling you really don't like and a sibling you prefer over the others. It saddens me a bit to see Rachel and Alice act like that; Rachel has no reason to act the way she did, all petty and holding grudges. I like Charlie a lot better, because he seems to act much more human and kind. But, as much as Alice is blind to it, her family does sound slightly dysfunctional.
The ending of this chapter implies that David will choose for his family, picking his daughter over that bitch Wallis. Let's hope that he does the right thing.
Can't wait to read your next chapter! I'm going to review vernelley's latest chapter first, and then I'll have lunch, so I'll be gone for a while. But I'm definitely going to review up to chapter 10, don't worry
| DutchAver chapter 7 . 8/26/2012
First of all, during my holiday, I managed to get my hands on two books about Winston Churchill(because he's awesome) and they both mentioned the whole affair with Edward VII as well. So now, I am a bit more up-to-date on the historical background behind this story :)
And it seems I couldn't have picked a better time, since this is the first chapter where Churchill peeks around the corner(but Chamberlain wins these elections, right? And that's when he goes for a treaty with Hitler...). I hope we'll see more of him in later chapters, since I love his quotes. Also, I'm curious about how you're going to characterize Chamberlain
Anyway. This story isn't about Churchill or Chamberlain, it's about Edward & Alice. I love how you characterized David here - with every passing chapter, it gets harder and harder to think he's stupid. He did what he had to do when he gave Margaret the money, and he's right in calling out Alice on her behavior. Even though he's got an affair going on, he's quite bright, I think. He just has a blind spot for Wallis.
Alice's characterization seems strong as well. I love how you write down her train of thought with 'there are people who had it, and people who hadn't, and her mother always taught her that she belonged to the first group'. It's hard to hate her, but this chapter strongly shows her imperfections and how she thinks lowly of everyone who isn't royal.
Like said before, I love how you pick royals and very important figures, and then write them down so that they become just as human as you and me.
Keep going! I had two mistakes:
'Alice sighed and waited patiently for her orange juice and Millie, whichever got here first, she would be happy.' It doesn't make sense to have this be one sentence... consider replacing the first comma with a period.
'up t you' up tO you
I think I shall be reviewing up to... chapter 10 today, if I make it :3
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 6 . 8/25/2012
I feel that in some places, this slips from fiction - lines like
[That day, April 19th 1936, would be the catalyst by which David's real test as King would start.
But was he prepared for it, and it's repercussions?]
jerk me out of the story, and make it sound like the story is trying too hard to be non-fiction, as well as feeling a little bit like a forced cliffhanger. I'd suggest cutting this out; the line before would make a really good ending to the chapter.
[she noticed that as many people had come to see them as they had the world's most challenging steeple chase, The Grand National.] Sentence sounds awkward; maybe cut out the 'as' before many people, and change the second bit to "had come to see the world's most challenging steeple chase, The Grand National."
Sometimes, it reads a bit like just a statement of events. Watch out for using names too much, and simply listing things. I would suggest trying to inject a bit more emotion in some of the scenes; especially between action and dialogue, as at times it's hard to tell what the characters are actually thinking or feeling.
Just suggestions, as always.
| DutchAver chapter 6 . 7/8/2012
I can very clearly see that you've spent a lot of time on doing your research. I really get the impression that you know what you've been talking about and I think you spent many hours getting lost in the history books before starting this story. I like that - I hate stories/movies that very easily show that the author couldn't be bothered with the research. This is no such story.
I also like that you portrayed Hitler as sympathetic. Now that sounds very strange, but with such a historical figure, it's easy to portray him as an inhumane monster that wants to kill everything in his path and is ridiculously easy to insult. However, the effect is always greater if you stick to history and portray him as the man he is - because that makes him all the more scary, knowing that a normal man is capable of such terrible things as Hitler has done. Seeing that once again tells me that this story is quite unlike any other.
The ending was a bit sudden and I didn't really like it; it disobeys the 'show don't tell'-principle that is so important, and you're doing a bit too much telling to my taste. You could expand on it and write another chapter about it from another POV, but I understand your decision nonetheless.
I'm finally starting to feel a bit sorry for David, as he has to make a terrible choice between two women - but I still think he should just choose Alice and stop whining about it, the fool. Wallis should just go get lost somewhere. And I hope he'll see that in later chapters.
See you next time :)
| thenutrunningthenuthouse chapter 35 . 7/2/2012
I liked how this epilogue didn't come out all sappy happy. I liked (well, not liked) the arguments between Louise and Alice. I'd have to side with Louise, despite her probably being a loudmouthed teenager - I think she truly did have a much stronger connection to David, and I think she had the right to think that. Oh Alice, still your bittersweet self. I liked how we got to see a bit of James and Charlotte now that they're a bit older (How old were Louise, James, and Charlotte? I never did figure out their ages even in a majority of the story)
Wow, this is would be really interesting if you continued with a sequel with this story. I'd totally read the Cavendish story, buy wow, there are a lot of places this story could go. I'm not even sure who my favorite character was! Probably David, despite all his flaws.
Excellent, beautiful story. Truly. I applaud you. :)
| thenutrunningthenuthouse chapter 34 . 7/1/2012
Damn this no-reviewing-while-reading crap! D:
Okay, this is going to be kind of overview-ish, I apologize; I still hate this bottom review thing!
Okay, well, I thought all the Georgie scenes were so sweet. I loved how he practiced his salute and said he wasn't nervous at his ceremony and how he didn't want to read the Jungle Book. It truly shows the tragedy in this all because he truly is such a young boy! I particularly enjoyed the description with Georgie and the pillows; it truly made my point about the off-ness of it all. Despite it, I can see Georgie being a good king...well, as long as he doesn't pick up an affair as well XD
Alice's character development was really strong in this story. I mean, we truly get to see her at her highs and lows, and I love how she came out so strong by the end of the story. I hate to say it, but it was almost kind of good for her that David died. It...I don't know, matured her quite a bit.
Okay, for your epilogue, can we discuss Louise and Alice? I have NO IDEA if those two are still in the place they once were. Like I think I've mentioned before, Louise could totally grow up resenting her mother, especially since David is dead. I think 1945 would be interesting...Georgie would just be turning into his young teenage years (14? 15?) and I think it'd be interesting to see that.
Cheers and thanks for not only reading my story, but producing such wonderful pieces of historical fiction. I swear, you could make some serious money off this stuff!
| thenutrunningthenuthouse chapter 33 . 6/24/2012
I shall prepare for tears. I was crying all yesterday when my favorite character supposedly got blown up. I'm ready.
I really liked the opening scene with the gloves. It speaks wonders to her personality.
Oh Francis, you can go be a bird. I guess without David I'll grudgingly accept his advances, but I'm not happy about it.
Aww, that scene with Georgie and Alice was so sweet and sad. I'm not crying yet, but this is very sad.
Wow, those scenes with coffin and the wedding band. It was kind of beautiful how you described their honeymoon and the ring and the coffin and Jesus, this is all just so intense and you are amazing at writing exposition.
Oh Francis, I appreciate you. Thank you, Francis. You are redeemed.