|Reviews for Of Rogues and Princes|
| xxxyx chapter 4 . 9/12/2013
The flow is seamless, I got to say that. Tip-top. It's published-quality. You must've done a fair bit of research on medieval fantasy. The characterization, everything. The 4k words passed by like watching a scene from a movie.
And... the only flaw that's staring me in the face like a naked emperor is... it's not complete. XD
| xxxyx chapter 3 . 9/12/2013
'One of these days he'd break her.' - whoah, scary. O.O
'...and a a head of dark, curly hair.' - double 'a'
This one maintains the quality of last chapter. Now I see what you meant by being a perfectionist and all... It is close to perfection. If I can finish just one chapter of my story with quality like this I'll be happy. :P
| xxxyx chapter 2 . 9/12/2013
Ah, so this is back from your Roundhouse days, eh?
Impressive trip, very descriptive and graphic. Issac's an interesting character. Well, others are, too, like the foreshadowing old man, but he tops the cake.
And life as nobility is not exactly pleasant either. Realistic. Better than the first chapter. Definitely deserves an 8.5/10 in my books, if not more.
| xxxyx chapter 1 . 9/10/2013
Heya, firstly, nice cover you got there. The foreshadowing synopsis at the beginning was a nice touch, even if I feel that it's a little overused theme. But your wording works.
Anyway, I wish to know which part of this is yours, and which is Ballerina's. It was seamlessly weaved.
Hm, the action scenes were engaging, especially the graphic blade sweeps. That really gives the medieval feel to the story. The dialogues, the start, characters, everything. Very, very impressive for a first story.
Just that I'm a little bit lost sometimes, in the action, but guess that was just me being slow.
And... is Belladonna based on Bellarina? XD
Can't find anything to say that the other reviewers hadn't said before me, except one thing:
Chapter revised Janurary 6th, 2012 XD
Lol, looks like the revision stamp needs to be revised! The irony is killing me!
| Highway Unicorn chapter 1 . 9/19/2012
Hi from Roadhouse! :D
[They had (disappearing) down one of the many servants' passages...] It should be 'disappeared.'
It's an interesting beginning, and overall, I liked where this is going. I think I like the fact that you began right in the middle of the action/war. It was a good hook and kept me interested throughout.
I'm curious as to what will happen to the prince now that the Queen is dead. Will he grow up as a thief, of will he be returned to the army/royal court?
And i'm also curious as to how this war began; will that be answered?
Anyways, it was a good start. :)
| Persnickety Fox chapter 1 . 1/21/2012
The Roadhouse bartender says "hi." )
It was a very bold start! I applaud you for your gutsy beginning. Trying to set up the setting during a fight scene can go wrong in so many different ways, but I think you two did a good job. There was a smooth transition between the action and the information, and I think you incorporated both in a creative way.
I also found it funny that Caselen is the name for your world’s French language. )
There were some places where I got confused. In two instances, swords were said to "[bite]" or "tear" through armor. I was confused because in my mind, swords should not be able to do that. Swords can cut through flesh and bone, sure. But armor is designed to protect flesh and bone. If a sword could cut through armor with a strong enough thrust, then there would be no reason to wear armor in the first place. It would be like wearing a bullet-proof vest that is actually a Kevlar-free tank top.
Maybe the captain swung his sword into a gap in the armor? I think that might work better.
Or maybe in this world, armor is just decorative. It could be that, too. I just found that technicality a little unclear.
I look forward to reading Chapter 1!
| Mistval chapter 4 . 1/15/2012
The social structure in this, with the brutal animosity between the upper and lower classes, is starting to sort of remind me of Mistborn.
One thing I'm getting hungry for at this point is a bit of a picture of the wider world, politically and geographically, and an understanding of the place in it that the city of Aurel and its nation occupy.
Ah, so my suspicions about Isaac were correct! And so I guess it's here that the prologue begins to tie into the story.
The writing style as a whole is pretty much the same as it was in the last chapter, which is very good :) Just a couple of typos:
"Rory couldn't help but think that if the man had were to given a token animal"
"While she was glad that were finally out of the blinding darkness of the tunnel"
| Mistval chapter 3 . 1/12/2012
It's clever to refer to Aurora as 'Rory' whenever she's dressed the part. It really emphasizes the extent of her transformation and the separateness of the two spheres of her life. However, it seems to be handled a little bit inconsistently sometimes. A lot of the time Aurora and Rory are referred to as two distinct persons, but other times as the same person, such as here: "Rory for one, was determined to at least see the man before she was introduced to him as his fiancée." I wonder if you have considered also referring to Rory as male. That would really build on the illusion of distinctness I think. But then if she ever falls in love with Isaac or something... might get kinda awkward.
I wonder what part Isaac is going to play in the whole thing, and I wonder why he always helps Aurora out. He seems perhaps a bit like the Rogue from the first chapter: a bit on the seedy side but with hints of a chivalrous streak as well. Is it possible that there's a relationship there? Hmm...
Aha! Finally found a typo for you. "The window was large enough for a young woman to climb out of and the grounds beneath it rarely visited by the staff." seems to be missed a "were".
Well, chapter two was an improvement over chapter one, and I think chapter three is an improvement over chapter two :) It's just very well written, and the vocabulary seems more precise ("stallions" and "geldings" as opposed to "horses" for example). The world seems more real and fleshed out too, as the characters encounter things and people (like the prostitute) who probably aren't going to play any role in the plot, but just add to the feeling that the world is much bigger than the story.
| Mistval chapter 2 . 1/11/2012
Wow, Lower Aurel sounds nasty. So the first sentence here already improves on my criticism of the descriptions in the first chapter. The rest of the chapter definitely follows through with this improvement I'd still say that I'd like to see a little more, but now we're at the point where that's pretty much just personal preference.
At the end of the chapter I'm very curious what the Duke wants, and I'm doubly curious because I suspect that it may be related to the events in the first chapter :O I wonder how many of the loose ends from the first chapter have been tied off in sixteen years, and how many are still hanging. I look forward to finding out!
I think this chapter is an improvement over the first! Mostly because of the increase in descriptive power, but also because of the depth of the characterization. The first chapter was a different sort of chapter, though, focused on action and fighting, but I think it could still benefit from milder versions of the techniques employed in this chapter.
| Mistval chapter 1 . 1/11/2012
Well well, this is an interesting start. Drops us right into the action and gives us just enough of the background story to keep us hungering for more.
It's interesting that the King and the Thieves Guild are trafficking. Initially I though that perhaps this suggested corruption on the King's part, and perhaps a reason for the fighting here. But as the story progresses, the Rogue is suggested to be unusually noble for a criminal, although some of his followers may be less so. As a reader, this is something I hope to see elaborated upon in later chapters :)
Another mystery I'm interested in is the whereabouts of the Duke of Lake Vale and why he was not murdered outright. Perhaps he'll be ransomed? It also struck me that if he's next in line for the throne, maybe he's very sneakily supporting the insurgents! Regardless I can tell that he'll be important as the story continues.
Hmmm... well for constructive criticism, I'd say that I want to see the setting more vividly. I can see the action and the characters pretty well, but I think they need to have more of a backdrop. For example, in the last section, where the queen is left for dead, I would have liked to know a bit more about "the underground labyrinth of tunnels". Is it wet and smelly? Dry and torch-lit? Do their voices echo? Etc.
Spelling and grammar are very competent. Perfect, actually, as far I could tell. Always refreshing to see :)
Very nice work overall.
P.S. Found your story via Roadhouse and saw in your profile about returning reviews. If you would be so kind as to return the review, I would be glad for a review to any one of my stories :)
| Devil's Playground chapter 4 . 1/9/2012
Oh wow, what an action-packed chapter! I really breezed through it; the action is all really well written. You have just enough detail to make it clear what's happening, and the narration still flows really well.
I really like the gray morality you explore here. It was clearly a dumb move on the rebels' part to throw the chamberpot, especially when the crowd had so many innocents in it, but yet the royal guard was also at fault for overreacting and pushing the situation to violence. It seems like neither side really had much regard for the people who were just caught in the middle of everything, unfortunately. D: And I like that the person who eventually rescued Rory for the mess was actually a knight.
I'm glad that Isaac was there to get her out of that mess, since being recognized was a looming threat as well. No matter what Isaac's motivations may be, I can't help but like him. He's such a fun character! And the dialogue/interaction between Isaac and Rory is consistently really entertaining and fun to read, it kept things interesting even when there was a lull in the action.
Let it be noted that I be lookin' at ye with derision and a-thinkin' that yer noble education's been a-going to waste, aye? - Hahah oh man, I love Isaac. XD
And he brought Aurora to the Thieves' Guild! Oh, wow, what a place for her to end up, heh. I really wonder how they're going to get through this tight spot... and Aurora probably doesn't have much time to get back for dinner and etc, either. I'm really looking forward to the next chapter, update soon! :D
more Guardsmen would be sent out to quell the "disturbance". - the quotations should go after the period.
charging as the surged forward and overran them - missing a word here.
Commoners armed themselves with whatever they could find; sticks, stones, sharpened nails. - This semi-colon would work better as a colon.
Heartbeat drumming in her ears, mouth was dry with terror, - get rid of 'was'
More horns sound[ed] loud and clear over the chaos
All around her men were shouted as they bludgeoned and stabbed - get rid of 'were'
and [a] sharp shove sent her sprawling
A heavy hand clapped Rory on the shoulder and [she] let out an embarrassingly girly shriek.
the noblewoman was unable to protest as Isaac hefted her onto his shoulder and walked off down the what he'd said in her mind, Rory decided that she didn't quite trust Isaac as much as she'd thought she did. - Something weird happened here, it looks like two sentences somehow got jammed together.
| Devil's Playground chapter 3 . 1/9/2012
The first scene here is really well done. I like that the narration is focused on Victor's thoughts and feelings rather than Aurora's; it's an interesting change, and it's intriguing to have a look into his motivations and thoughts. I can't help but be a bit amused when he tries to bait reactions to her, and how it's almost a game for him. The dialogue is really well done, as well. I think you really captured a formal tone that suits the time period and the characters' relationship, and did so without making it sound awkward and forced.
And of course Rory would never stay put and do as she was told, heh. For a moment I thought she was actually going to run away to avoid the marriage - but I guess even she isn't quite that stubborn/foolish. It is a rather rough spot she's in; to refuse would be incredibly selfish when it would threaten the entirety of the kingdom. Her desire to at least see him beforehand is definitely justified, though. I'm really curious what kind of person he'll be...
Ooh, what an intriguing conversation she eavesdropped on. I have no clue what they're discussing, but it definitely caught my interest. And seeing Isaac's anger did sound pretty intimidating. The way he was able to abruptly switch to his usual calm, playful demeanor makes me wonder how much of his persona is just for show. There's definitely more to him than meets the eye, it seems, and I'm really not sure if he's trustworthy... although he does seem to genuinely want to protect Aurora.
I love the conversations between Rory and the courtesan, as well as Rory and Isaac - both very entertaining, and a very nice bit of comic relief in the midst of everything else that is happening.
I really like the description of the procession coming into town, and the way it contrasts the dingy, dark setting of Lower Aurel. And oh, man - did not expect that at the end! Wow, I imagine this is going to have some consequences... hurrying on to the next chapter to find out!
She stiffened and suddenly shifted her attention back to him as if she'd heard and quickly strode over to the chair. - This sentence sounds sort of long and strange, I would cut it into separate sentences or add some punctuation somewhere.
The crowd would be sparse around the Northern Arch and even more so the further away she got from richer district of the city. - "the further away she got" sounds odd, I would change the wording. Also, it should be "from [the] richer district"
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 4 . 1/7/2012
Really great chapter, as always. I like the way you showed the movement of the characters, and the description worked well to make you really feel you were being carried along with Rory. It had the potential to get a bit confusing, but I think you managed it pretty well. I liked the tunnel, and the entrance to the Commononer's Court; can't wait to see what happens in the next chapter!
| ImpaledK chapter 2 . 1/6/2012
First off, sorry about the delay in getting back here... Been busy lately. Now on to the review:
I'm amazed at how things changed so suddenly, after the first chapter. I had to go back and read it (chapter 1) again to make sure it was the same story. Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad thing... Just different from what I was expecting.
Details were as excellent as the first part so no problems there. You managed to maintain the same balance that keeps me from getting bored while painting a vivid world.
I didn't see any character that stood out to me as being "interesting". Of course it takes real talent to get any kind of favorite character in the first few chapters, so don't get discouraged. I'll wait until say chapter 4-5 before trying to say anything about characterization. That being said you did manage to show the differences between the characters already introduced... That alone is acceptable for now.
| Devil's Playground chapter 2 . 12/26/2011
Great descriptions of the city. I love the details about how dirty the streets are, the vermin everywhere, etc. You establish the setting quickly and effectively - and really built up tension by showing how out of place Rory is! I especially like the creepy old man whispering at her.
And I love that even the children are corrupted and dangerous, heh - it really shows the extent of the desperation in this part of town.
I really like the introduction of Isaac. Great little entrance for him, and the dialogue between the two of them is amusing and helps characterize both of them. Hmm, that little snippet with him makes me wonder what his importance will be in the story, as I assume we'll be seeing him again.
I really like the way you introduce the maid and the Duchess as well. You have a gift for giving succinct but very effective descriptions of characters. Although several are introduced here, they're each distinctive enough to make an impression.
And a great way to end the chapter, as well! I'm definitely curious where this is going to go - can't wait to read more!
"Please sir," whined the little girl closest to her, staring up through a curtain of dirty, tangled hair, "We're hungry." - Either "We're" should be lowercase, or the last comma should be a period.
Then saw the suspicious look on her face. - This is a fragment. Should either be part of the sentence beforehand, or "Then [he] saw..."
Too tired to think about it[,] she sighed and walked through the great arch that separated the two districts.
Let's go,"said Rory tiredly as she edged towards the door. - missing a space here.