|Reviews for Insertion|
| Dachande663-ff chapter 18 . 10/26/2011
Awesome chapter, good to see the Brits growing in numbers for once!
| Dachande663-ff chapter 14 . 7/27/2011
Awesome chapter, my favourite yet! Few typos but overall excellently written. Love the fast changes in scene.
| lookingwest chapter 3 . 7/19/2011
There were quite a few speaker tags in this were grammatically incorrect. Remember that if you have a speaker tag like "he said", "he replied", etc., remember to not end the dialogue with a period, it needs to be ended with a comma.
Gradually, others followed suit.
-Honestly, in this paragraph, there is little to zero chance I will remember any of these names, I didn't like it because I felt like there were way too many characters introduced at once for readers to keep them straight, and they sound kind of important so I would have liked more time to focus on them individually than all together.
Remember to spell out numbers, if it's just something simple like "seven". The sergeants named after the seven sins will be easier to remember, I think, but again, it was still quite overwhelming, especially when you add the other sergeants from the last part to the names introduced in this chapter.
Didn't like the small cuts of character focus towards the end because it seemed to break up the pacing for me. Overall I was just really overwhelmed by this chapter, there was so much going on and so much to keep straight and so many characters to keep track of. I did like how you focused on Bambi and Bishop in the beginning though, because you kept more description on them, I feel like I know them best out of all of your characters thus far. The beginning part was well balanced, the rest fell flat for me.
I did like how intricate your world is overall, and have a respect for your affinity of military operations and keeping track of all the movements, I thought that was impressive, but it came at me a little too quickly. The cutting back and forth at the end between everyone was hard to focus with-but again, I do like the way you exhibit how large the scope of this story seems to be, and how much you have planned for it. :)
| Dachande663-ff chapter 10 . 6/4/2011
Two awesome chapters! The Americans and their sneaky game. Need more!
P.S. I think you meant one-way glass in the previous chapter.
| TrulyDevious chapter 2 . 6/1/2011
I liked the prologue. It was just enough to catch the readers attention. But I think the first paragraph in the first chapter was a bit too long. Just splitting it in two would make a big difference.
The images of the Generals was a good representation of the countries they come from. I like the whole concept of this story. It's interesting and I haven't seen anything like it on the site. Keep up the good work :]
| lookingwest chapter 2 . 6/1/2011
First off, I was immediately turned off by the length of the first chapter and didn't like that at all, reading through FP is a bit different than a novel or manuscript, and while this would be no matter for having it in that sort of format, online is an entirely different format and should be treated as such. The first paragraph also turned me off just by the length of it, I'm positive you can find paragraph breaks in that for topic changes after reading it. I would suggest shortening the chapter to a max of 4,000 words, as that's kind of the range you want for an FP story-people will be less apt to read it if it's longer, and much more tempted to skim, which can result in people BSing a review pretty easily, even if it's sugar coated.
Secondly, introducing eight characters at once is complete overload for a reader. We've just started the story, at the max to take time to develop someone, I would suggest maybe only one to three new characters be brought into the story at once, if you work with a wider cast, bring them in gradually, not all at once, there is no possible way I can keep all of them straight, and it made for an extremely dry beginning, again tempting the reader to skim. I would suggest starting off with some action of some sort to really get things going, and have it be a much more intimate scene. Again, though, these are all stylistic choices that you can make, and are simply suggestions/advice.
A rule you could sort of follow for larger paragraphs (and this isn't always true and of course can be bent with creative writing) might be that if you feel it's too long, check and see how many sentences it is, if it's more than four, then you might be in need of a break-that's of course more so for research paper writing, but there were a lot of large paragraphs in this that could be broken up, and because of the length of the work, I'm not going to spend time making a suggestion for each.
The switching of scenes got a little disorienting at the end to keep everything straight, especially because again, we just came into the story. Despite that, I liked the scene towards the end with Daniels trying to work it all out, and the action throughout the story wasn't bad or anything. It kept me interested but was also slightly jarring just because of such small scenes you have involved with it.
Overall, I think there are a few tweaks you could make to this story to make it more easily accessed on this FP format, and I do see some content that could be tweaked just by shortening the introduction of characters, *but* it's extremely clear that you have a passion here and you also have a passion for your characters, I can tell you do a lot to help develop them and also put a ton of thought into your action and plot, so those are huge strengths and with that kind of thing I could see this story taking off to a fantastic start.
| Dachande663-ff chapter 8 . 6/1/2011
Had a very long train journey yesterday and your chapters kept me busy the whole way. Awesome set-up and some nice action pieces. And I've heard the expression windows wrapped around a room before, typically when they encompass more than two sides. Great work, got to get cracking on your next two chapters!
| Elennar chapter 2 . 5/26/2011
Hi, here from the RG.
The first thing that struck me as odd was how you used the verb wrapped in the context of something solid like windows. I mean, unless the windows followed a cylindrical shape, which I don't think it did, that kind of imagery just jarrs the reader. The word wrap, by it's very definition signifies a curved contour.
I also would advice against keeping the descriptions of the eight characters one after the other like that- it just comes across as a huge info dump, and as such, I kept wanting to skim in many places.
I'd suggest breaking up the descriptions, and placing them in different parts of the chapter- in between dialogue and action.
| Dachande663-ff chapter 3 . 5/21/2011
Excellent writing so far, can't wait to get into the action. Your work feels very much like a Bond or Reilly novel, no bad thing. Hope you continue updating.
| thefaultinourpatronus chapter 2 . 5/18/2011
Long chapter! Like I said before, your descriptions are to die for. They need to be really good for a mysterious, CIA sort of scene, and you've done it perfectly. Again, I was creeped out by the men and their task at hand. Especially "Butch", you portrayed his character extremely well.
I just have one suggestion - there are quite a few paras; the one at the beginning to be precise, which are huge. Daunting to read. And readers would definitely be temped to skim if there are such large blocks of text. Obviously, the last chapter had me hooked, so I read on. Just a thought (:
Look forward to reading more soon! :D
| thefaultinourpatronus chapter 1 . 5/17/2011
Ominous start! I like how you've left us hanging because I'd really want to read on and know more about these eight men.
The description of the room and the men was also really well done because I could picture a dark, creepy, empty room with nothing but these men and their belongings.