|Reviews for Wider World Woman|
| YFIQ chapter 3 . 6/6/2012
Seems to me that it's going to be quite a six months.
| YFIQ chapter 2 . 3/3/2012
| YFIQ chapter 1 . 3/3/2012
Sounds metaphoric, even after the poem.
| cerebral1 chapter 4 . 8/24/2011
Again, I'm from the Roadhouse, paying back reviews for Pirate's Bride, which has a new chapter uploaded, btw. I like this story; I keep picturing the movie Witness with Harrison Ford and Kelly McGillis while reading yours. I find Whitney and Josiah likeable, though I think you can build up their internal thoughts a bit more so we can feel a closer bond to them. Right now I still feel like I'm "outside looking in" with regards to the
characters. One reminder: Bible is always capitalized, as is God, in this story. If they are mythological gods, then it is lowercase. I will keep reading!
| megger chapter 4 . 7/27/2011
There was some odd formatting at the end of the chapter, specifically the dialogue happening between Josiah and Whitney. I kind of had to strain my eyes to read it.
I feel like the relationship between Whitney and Josiah is kind of forced. It's like watching two socially awkward people trying to talk to each other. It just doesn't feel realistic to me. Like there wasn't a build-up to what they were feeling.
I liked how spoiled Whitney was in the scene though. It gave her character a touch of realism.
| megger chapter 3 . 7/18/2011
"bricks and mortar[;] the men in the community"
"was so nervous and facing the consequences"- I think 'and' should be 'about' otherwise it makes no sense.
I've noticed that there's some odd spacing whenever commas are concerned.
"green was"- The second part should be italicized.
"Then hours later he walked, in he looked like a wreck."- Weird comma use.
Is this kind of an AU? Because if the Mennonites are kind of like Amish people, why would people in the real world, refer to themselves as wider world people?
I liked the small exchange between Whitney and Josiah. However, since Whitney isn't a religious person, I don't think the bible verse would have helped enough for her to get over Mike's betrayal. I get that it would help, but not enough that she's automatically like "oh, bastard didn't deserve me anyway."
| megger chapter 1 . 7/14/2011
"He wore the traditional clothing an old order Mennonite man."- This is oddly phrased.
"It made think of his mother[,] reading to him before he went to bed."
"[G]od had given"- I'm pretty sure God has to be capitalized.
"For a boy his age[,] he was average height."
"them wider world woman"- Them is plural, so it should be women.
"A women that isn't of our kind"- Singular and then plural.
You say Josiah a lot and it gets distracting after a while. I think you should try some pronouns.
Definitely an interesting start.
| Katerzzz chapter 4 . 7/9/2011
Review Payback 1/3!
The plot is getting better and better and better!
The banter between Sara and Whitney is definitely my favourite part, it's so funny!
You seem to pull off this funny dialogue with an awful lot of context, instead of a random one liner! Brilliant job!
| Hokuto Uchiha chapter 4 . 7/1/2011
I know how Whitney feels; if I couldn't call or text my friends for six months, I'd go crazy.
| Caus chapter 4 . 6/30/2011
I like the overall plot,but the banter between Sara and Whitney is may favorite part.
Usually these things are done with characters simply exchanging one liners in quick succesion with no real substance. You pulled it off a lot more naturally. It showed more of the characters personality and how they play off one another.
"I'm agnostic or atheist, depending on the day." Love that line.
| Scriber08 chapter 1 . 6/30/2011
This was quite interesting I might say (in a good way lol). I was surprised it started off with a poem; I wasn't expecting that. However the poem seemed to flow with the rest of the story. I don't know too much about the technicalities but the old English you used and the scheme you had going made it charming to read. I liked not only your use of description of their appearance but also the values of your characters. I also found it interesting the grandfather's explanation of 'wider world woman'. I think I know what he's talking about. There was a minor error I caught.
Edit: It made (him) think of his mother... I think you meant to add him.
Other than that there was nothing wrong; great start!
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 6/28/2011
I really like the poem you have in the beginning. I'm not very good when it comes to critiquing poetry, mostly because I find it hard to dissect and know if I am feeling what the author was feeling when writing it. Poetry is, for me anyway, a very emotional method of writing, and I've always had trouble sympathizing with other people's personal emotions through their words. It's probably why I don't dabble very much in poetry, unless it's telling a story in poem verse.
But I digress!
I enjoyed the tempo of the poem in the beginning, and the use of the punctuation to stress certain lines - especially the stanzas that repeat themselves. The scene of the boy with his grandfather in the latter half of the chapter was very heartwarming. I like how the boy so innocently inspects everything about his grandfather - his hands, his heartbeat, his face. It shows how much the boy loves him.
I have just a few little nit picky suggestions:
[It made think of his mother reading to him before he went to bed.]
Edit: Missing a 'him' between 'made' and 'think'.
[His bishop always said that it was good to spend time with elders.]
Style: I suggest removing the 'that'.
[Josiah scooted closer his grandfather to hear his voice better.]
Edit: Missing a 'to' between 'closer' and 'his'.
[Josiah looked at his grandfather's hands and noticed how worn out they looked.]
Style: I suggest removing the 'out' after worn.
[sometimes they would come to buy good from his family.]
Edit: Good should be goods.
[He looked up at the sky and wondered where god lived. If god was so powerful and glorious, why didn't he save all the lost souls?]
Edit: God should be capitalized in this context.
["What wrong with wider world woman?" Josiah asked.]
Edit: What should be what's.
| thewhimsicalbard chapter 3 . 6/28/2011
I'm giving you this review courtesy of Frap, so don't by any means feel obligated to return it or to do anything else except say thank you to (her?).
So, your story.
While I think your story is interesting, I feel like you move too quickly. You tell, instead of show. For instance:
"Whitney wished there was a redo button".
Really? Is that so? That's quite nice (albeit cliche), but I don't have a clue. You could be lying. You could be misinterpreting. You could be doing any number of things. The fact is that Whitney has neither done nor said anything to make me believe that she wishes there was a redo button. Do you see what I'm saying?
Also, you could use a bit of work on your grammar and punctuation - mostly the latter. The italicized sections were incredibly difficult to read.
I do like the premise you have set up though. Despite the fact that there are some pretty cliche elements, I think you could create some really interesting character interactions. Your development of Josiah in the first chapter was excellent, and I think that if you do some planning, make an effort to do something besides rush into romance, and create a solid series of interactions between him and Whitney, you could have a pretty decent story on your hands.
Best of luck and keep writing!
| RedX9 chapter 4 . 6/28/2011
I have one problem with the settings of the story. You have to rename it properly. This is chaper 2 while the scroll bar mentioned that this is chapter 3, its really confusing for me.
ok now on to the review...
it would be nice if we knew what whitney was doing within the six months. We know she is hating it and this is only the tell part, you have to show us why she was complaining and what happened, why is she suddenly working in a cafe when you mention that she would be working in a church? You have to add in a few chapters for the six months absence for whitney
take note you misspelt one "sara" as "sarah" in the later part.
Sorry but what's an "agnostic" never heard of that word (guffaws)
josiah is very cute and innocent I guess
| Katerzzz chapter 3 . 6/27/2011
I was gonna review the note...DOH!
Elaine's a bit of a cow...I think anyway...and Mike's not that nice either...well done...you have created unlikable characters :)
Your descriptions have, so far, been brilliant...how do you do it?
I feel sorry for Whitney though :)
Can't wait to see what else you have in store :)