|Reviews for Falling Embers|
| DutchAver chapter 6 . 9/2/2011
You could've spent a lot of time fleshing out the culture of the people who can't see, and to tell us how it changes everything. You could've started with the apocalypse itself and the reason why nobody can see - or you could've fleshed out the fight against the energy way more than you actually did.
I like the environmental moral in this story - look out for your planet before the 'embers will fall' - and I like the second meaning of everything. (Aithne being the only one who can see, and she turns out to be the only one to figure out what happens to the world) Apart from that, though, I think you could've fleshed the characters and their personalities out much more than you did, and you could've spent more time fleshing out the fight against the energy. It's kind of hard to feel for Aithne, and to really feel happy, now that the energy's gone.
Your premise is very good(a culture where nobody can see) but it's a shame it didn't work out as well as I had hoped. Nevertheless, I hope you'll continue writing anyway, because your writing style is really good, and you've shown that you're pretty good in making up plots!
Two mistakes in one sentence:
'I wonder if there our other world's out there.' if there ARE other WORLDS out there(my English teacher taught me, never use an apostrophe in plural's)
Keep it up!
| DutchAver chapter 5 . 9/2/2011
Did she already save the whole planet in this chapter? If so, the story's a bit short.
It's kind of hard to feel for Aithne in this chapter and the fight she's going through - it all happens a bit fast and you spend too little time telling us how difficult it is. It might also help if the 'energy' is a talking being instead of just some energy, it would help us identify with it a little.
'Things always seem worse then they are' thAn they are
I'll do the last chapter today too!
| DutchAver chapter 4 . 9/1/2011
So far, a lot of your chapters have been short, but strong nevertheless. Though you're moving a bit fast to my taste, I like how you keep up the tension, and I'm curious to the next chapters.
Aithne has to save the planet all by herself? Why can't she tell anyone else about what she has seen? I'm sure she takes for granted that no-one will believe her, but I think she should try at least, before she judges if anyone would believe her.
'As I drifted, I dreamed.' Not sure about American English, but I've always been taught that the past tense of to dream is dreamT.
'It was strong, but must to fast.' You mean MUCH toO fast?
'I would destroy the planet.' I think you mean 'It would destroy the planet'.
Can't wait for tomorrow!
| DutchAver chapter 3 . 8/31/2011
Hmmm are you describing the 'Falling Embers' in this chapter, the embers you already alluded to in the prologue?
It's a rather short one, and it's difficult to comment on short chapters, but I'll try my best to make this review as helpful as possible.
They've already lost their sights here, right? So this is the point where your narrator is going to save the earth without ever seeing anything?
You could've spent a bit more time, I think, in fleshing out the world before the disaster. It's hard to feel for the people here, it's hard to feel for the world that's burning down because of the falling embers. How do the characters interact? What's their culture? What problems does it pose, now that no-one can see anymore? What's their culture like, how is it changed? These are the questions that this story raises, and you could've spent a chapter or two before this point in answering them.
Still, though, I hope you'll continue and I'll try to review the next chapter tomorrow! Keep it up, I hope this was helpful!
| DutchAver chapter 2 . 8/21/2011
If nothing has ever happened, how can your narrator know about Cyric's talent for feeling dangers? Even if there haven't been any dangers whatsoever?
And if nothing has ever happened, how come everything's turned around so quickly? I think you could've spent more time fleshing out the peaceful world before turning everything around, because just like in the first one-shot you wrote that I reviewed, it's hard to feel for them now their world has changed, because we don't know how it was previously.
Apart from that, I'm curious how this will continue, and I might just review the next chapters in the future now that I've returned all your reviews! Don't expect me to do so anytime soon, though, I've still got a lot of reviews to return ;)
'In a more intement way' In a more intimate way
'There was to much' toO much. In the next sentence, you make the same mistake three times as well.
Hope to see you soon!
| DutchAver chapter 1 . 8/20/2011
As this is a short chapter, I thought, let's do this anyway :) It's a very good introduction to your story and how the 'explosions' apparently took the sight away from everyone. I'm curious how this will work out - this'll be the first sci-fi story I'll be reviewing! I'm definitely stopping here with reviewing, but I'll make sure to review the next chapter tomorrow, you got me excited!
One little thing I wanted to point out:
'The planet in which we live now-the "new earth", does not "look" like anything.' I think it would be better if you write it like this: 'in which we live now - the "new earth" - does...'
I'll see you tomorrow!
| Spiral Architect chapter 6 . 7/31/2011
That was very, very cool. I liked the descriptions and actions regarding the energy, although a little more background as to what the energy is would be nice. You wrote the wrong word once or twice but that's alright, it's one of my most common typos. All in all, very good.
| H.S. Myth chapter 2 . 7/23/2011
A very interesting premise you have here, and a very pretty name for your main character! I like the idea of everyone losing their eyes and I love how they use touch communication because they are afraid hearing will be lost next (I do hope that gets explained in the future). I'm very impressed with the details about what the characters notice with their limited senses and their conversations. I think the descriptions of the setting could be elaborated on quite a lot. I know the characters don't "see," but they would certainly still have ways of describing places and also, I'm curious what they know of their history. I'm sure many of my questions will be answered in later chapters.
This could benefit from a spell check. I'll just point out what I noticed:
"in a more intement way." should be intimate
"Keeling was ironically hard of hearing." should be Keelin
"His voice was not confidant." should be confident
"A wave of movment," movement
"Keeling punched him lightly on the arm." Keelin
"I gripped my friend's hands..." friends'
"What was going?" I assume it's, what was going on?
"...to much. To many smells, to many sounds, to much movement." All those should be "too"
"Keeling and Cyric sat up..." Keelin
Ok sorry I didn't mean to go on with that for so long, I hope it is helpful rather than annoying. Oh, another part that I thought was extremely well done is during the earthquake or whatever it is. Her train of thought, the length at which it went on and how you showed her panic were just wonderful. In the next paragraph after that you write, "I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding," which is a sentence that occurs so often in modern literature that it is regarded by many as a cliché. I would suggest saying the same thing in a more creative, original way that will catch the reader's attention.
I will definitely keep reading this when I get the time, keep up the great work.
| Luckcharm chapter 3 . 7/23/2011
xDDD You know what's funny? I just had an earthquake xD In Christchurch, New Zealand. I doubt much people have heard about it though :P
Love your stories! Keep it up! _
| InkedSoul chapter 2 . 7/13/2011
There was to much. To many smells, to many sounds, to much movement,
Edit: Change every 'to' in this sentence to 'too'
You're 're alive
I pried their fingers off of mine and...
Edit: Omit 'of'
Attampting to lighten the mood...
Edit: I think you mean 'attempting'
In a more intement way.
That was probably why she was practically worshiped.
Despite the spelling/grammar errors this chapter was nice. I like the idea of them having to use their other sense to communicate with each other because of their lack of sight. It's an interesting concept really. I wonder exactly how the main character uses their mind to see pictures of the things in front of him. It would be really nice to get a better explanation about that.
I like the new characters and the interaction between them, it was realistic and nicely done. The chapter was ended beautifully with a cliffhanger. I'm interested to see what exactly caused the reshape of the earth.
Another thing, I would've been interesting to see what life was like for them before the explosion, and what exactly caused it. But it's your story and I still don't know where you're planning on taking it just yet. Good start, though. Keep up the good work!
| InkedSoul chapter 1 . 7/13/2011
This is a very good start.
I love how mysterious and vague you make the narrator sound, it really draws the reader into the story and attracts their attention. I wonder how exactly he can see without having eyes? I hope that part is explained in future chapters.
Overall, I am very interested especially to see what was the cause of the explosion and how it affects the rest of the story. The plot is interesting and due to the short introduction, I really don't know where the story is going just yet. I hope the guy has really got the power to save planet Earth, or else we're doomed!
Haha, like it so far!
| StarScarlet76 chapter 6 . 7/3/2011
That was very poetic and agood ending but i can't help thinking that you should maybe add a few chapters like showing the toll the earthquake has on other people and building up the world a bit more because i really would like to be able to imagine this civilisation and world better.
Anyway a very good, unique story and well written. You write very poetically. I look forward to reading more from you. :)
| StarScarlet76 chapter 5 . 7/3/2011
Okay, i didn't really understand what wen t on in this chapter, how exactly did Aithne save the planet - does she have other abilities other than her sight.
Anyway, i like it.
| StarScarlet76 chapter 4 . 7/3/2011
I really do love the idea of senses, i suppose we take them for granted but you describe things really well and with a suiting sense of awe. Aithne knows that her sight is a gift and respects that, a very humble character. I love the friendship between Aithne, Cyric and Keelin it's very dynamic and you can tell each as has their own niche within the trio.
I'll keep reading.
| StarScarlet76 chapter 2 . 7/3/2011
I really like this so far, the premise is intriguing and you could make this a fantastic story. I like all of the characters but i picked up on two things: You call the girl both Keelin and Keeling later on so i was wondering what was right, i'm guessing it's a typo. An easy mistake to you say that Cyric thinks of Keelin in a more intement way. Did you mean intimate? I was wondering cos i don't think intement is a word - maybe i'm wrong, tell me if i am, i love new words.
I'm going to carry on reading now because i want to know what's happening to this new earth.