|Reviews for Meet Me at the Altar|
| Zingaresa chapter 1 . 5/26/2011
I really enjoyed the overall atmosphere of this chapter. It's casual enough to keep the reader interested and lighthearted without really downplaying any problems or conflicts. I also really liked the dialogue-there was some awkward wording in places, but also some nice, sparky lines.
There were a couple of things about Tristan that seemed off, though. To my understanding (and granted, my knowledge of the matter is somewhat limited), most facial expressions are learned by mimicking others. Some of the very basics-like smiles-are natural (fun fact: the baring of teeth is instinctively perceived as a show of submission-hence one of the reasons smiling people are automatically less intimidating than somber people). On the other hand, I'm not sure Tristan would have learned to raise his eyebrows, or how to convey a "puzzled" expression, unless he'd spent hours and hours with his hands on people's faces while they talked.
Aside from that, though, I found Nora's description of the girl odd. Why would he use her appearance as a measurement of physical attractiveness? He's never seen a girl. And why would Nora tell him the color of the girl's hair, or worry about what color her eyes were? Again, if he's been blind all his life, he's never seen color. I seriously doubt he even has any concept of what color *is*.
Overall, though, I definitely enjoyed the read.
| jhkuzshcfsehf chapter 1 . 5/24/2011
This is a promising story: I still wonder who Nora's love interest will be...
After reading a story which felt too rushed and condensed, yours was a pleasant relief. You have a sense of detail which allows the reader to picture what's going on, and to get an actual feel of who the characters are, what their lives are like, etc.
For some reason it took me a while to understand who Tristan was; maybe a short physical description upon his arrival would be in order (I've never seen a blind person's cane knock the ground, btw, so the first picture this line conjured up was a pirate's peg leg... colourful, but not very sexy :P).
Also, I found the last conversation between Nora and the couple a little artificial. For a while I lost the impression of realism, and it sounded as if you were just going through the motions. Like a scene which you didn't want to write, or didn't know how to write, but which had to be there.
No big editing needed for me, though. It's quite good. :)
| Adrenalin chapter 2 . 5/24/2011
I'm not sure where you're going with this story, but this chapter felt rather mundane - I didn't think there was that much substance in it. There are some moments when you describe with too many details, like when you specify where exactly Nora puts the wine bottle on the table - that is something that is best left up to the reader. You don't have to describe the scenery that precisely, the reader will provide for the little blanks. Sometimes it's even better to leave some things to the reader's imagination.
On the contrary, I was really interested in Nora's financial situation, and I would have loved to know more about it. Instead of focusing the entire conversation on Tristan's date, maybe he could spot one of the bill and ask how setting up her independant studio is going on. Nora could answer thruthfully or avoid the question entirely, or anything in the middle, but it would tell us something rather important about her personnality.
| Luna Carn chapter 2 . 5/23/2011
I really like your characters. You're good at showing their personalities through their dialogue and actions.
| Shika'sgurl22 chapter 1 . 5/23/2011
Hey! Just finished with chapter one. It's good. Actually, I like long story. Especially when it can capture and keep the reader's attention. Plus, I tend to write stories with long chapter. 4,000 words or more at times.
At first, I thought that Tristan and Nora were dating, but quickly realized that they are friends. It's great, though, I've never read a romance story where one of the main characters is blind. I think it would be interesting to tell a story from the perspective of a person dating a blind man/woman. Anyway, I'm headed to chapter two now. Bye!
| Henry Palmetto chapter 1 . 5/23/2011
This is actually quite wonderful for a first chapter: in all seriousness it's probably the best I've seen on Fictionpress. Not to say that it is flawless, however you give adequate detailing to your characters, establish a setting of normality (so that the later breach from said normality will appear more dramatic), and provide the ghost of quandry that will later constitute what I will assume to be the primary issue in your story.
Needless to say, there are several things I do feel necessary to bring attention too. As with many first chapters I read, I always find myself saying that the writer seems to be afraid of using his or her words, moreover the piece always possesses events that seem to be lacking simple space; space meaning more dialogue or more action. There is the whole 'less is more' maxim that seems to govern what seems to be most writer's attitudes, yet in all my time on Fictionpress I have yet to see a story that really suffers from an overly dialogued or overly actioned scene.
The 'more space' could be added anywhere, from the initial photography of the school children to the later rendezvous with Tristan and even the meeting with the newly married couple (although, for an event that seems to crucially define the attitudes of your protagonist, I do like how skillfully underplayed this rendezvous is). You can afford to insert a couple more tidbits of detail about Tristan's life, such as where he was out of town, what he does, what he thinks about his boss, etc. if not for any more a pivotal purpose than words and realism. I think it would be interesting to see more of the friend's relationship by details: such as what they talk about when they want to talk for the sake of talking only.
Concerning the meeting with the engaged couple at the end, I mentioned before that I did like how underplayed the event was and how surreptitiously the protagonist makes the comment that so many women turn into bridezillas when their weddings encroach. Should Nora be made into a bridezilla of her own later on or should these sprouting negative ideas of marriage dissolve later product of some handsome hunk and sudden love, I might dare to call this whole comment a bollocksy load of Hollywood foreshadowing, yet as it stands I find it a completely harmless albeit important contribution to Nora's makeup.
As for the event itself, for being a bridezilla, the fiancee didn't carry the stage presence I expected her to, namely because she was absent for three quarters of the scene. I suggest that Nora and the bridegroom-to-be share their moment with each other but with the fiancee standing in the open and governing the scene for more time than she did. It might even be entertaining to see her rattle off a whole host of instructions from some delicately inscribed piece of flower petaled cardboard note-keeping paper. This would help solidify the whole bridezilla and it would also make clearer the contrast between the life of loveless, professional Nora and the soon-to-be-bounded-for-life life of tyrannical Mussolini-made-blushing-bride.
One last quip; I found some of your description repetitive and not wholly necessary:
EX: "Nora was always a little too wound up in her work." This is a harmless little detail that is not at all necessary. We have her wanted professionalism, we see her in work mode; we already understand that she is concerned with her work and to be retold of this accomplishes nothing more than distraction. I'd suggest browsing through and seeing if you have any more little statements like this that are already given through characterization.
All this criticism aside, this was an enjoyable read and I look forward to seeing more!
| slashedkaze chapter 2 . 5/22/2011
Haha, I see Tristan's too lazy to label his stuff. I like the way you show us little tidbits about the characters, I'm really starting to like both of them.
I think Tristan's retelling of his date could be chopped up a little, though. It's always a bit weird to read when one character just talks on and on. I'm also still waiting for something to really happen, I'm curious how the clubbing's going to go. (And how Tristan, being blind and all, would help her pick out clothes.)
| Purple-heart2 chapter 2 . 5/22/2011
ooh, finally no more work and more fun at least hehehe and Tristan once again making the mood of the story so enjoyable! Well, it all comes to the next chapter when the party is on see if Tristan is able to find Nora a date looking forward to that. :)
| Purple-heart2 chapter 1 . 5/22/2011
I absolutely loved Tristan personality he might be blind but is so much fun reading of what he does and speaks! As for the story it self I got a little bored I mean, Nora is very professional in her work and you really detailed everything she did but I didn't have any idea of what the story is about since you keep detailing Nora's work and there was nothing more... maybe it gets better in the next chapter.
| kljhlkkjhug chapter 1 . 5/21/2011
So far this is a good story, the premise is fresh, and your charicters are much better than run of the mill. I really liked the charicter interaction, Nora and Tristan seemed like actual earnest friends. Something I didnt like so much was that the story got just a little bit tedious, but it seemed like it was necessary to move the story along.
| Frap chapter 1 . 5/21/2011
Thank you for coming to my little forum first of all and hope to see you around the chat rooms. I'm in school also. Now at first glance yes, it is a lot to read, but I'm open to see what you do with the words and not the length. So I review as i read and here we go...
Okay, well I like how you have presented Nora so far and that she is in need of money. I like the descriptions so far but that honey colored eye thing is reading funny. You may need to make the word 'delighted.' or something. Moving on...
Ah a blind character! Something different for a change. I like that. His unique name is also a big plus. So thank you on trying to think out of the box on both character development and names. Moving on.
I'm stopping here to comment that the normal banter is really nice. You're painting a precise picture of your characters and setting the scenes very carefully. I like this and it keeps your pace very steady and leisurely so great job there. I also like the interaction between Nora and Tristan so far. Moving on...
There's a pleasant coyness here that is so refreshing and mature to read. I love how the two are getting along at the shop but you can always bring up more of Nora's financial troubles some how. Maybe give her a thought that gives us some insight as to how bad it is. As for Tristan he's a very likeable character and the fact he carries himself in a manner that is not to reveal he's blind, is really cute.
Okay, so that's why money is tight. I thought it was more to it. It fits for what people are going through now so it still is relatable. Great job. moving on...
After the tossing of the item in the car, which was really cute, you get into a rut of 'she' as she prepares for the appointment. Change up the wording a little and oh, this is very well detailed.
Now for me you hit your first snag. Unless the guy is making moves on her or the woman is being a witch, there' no need to go through the interview process with us. you could either thin those details or take it out all together. It doesn't add to what is going on, simply prolongs it. It is well done, but just not necessary. It weakens what you have. So just be aware of that.
Over all it is turning out to be an all around feel good story. You asked where you could break it and I think you could do so after she gets Tristan at the dinner and they are talking, you can split the talk about the waitress and add something to Nora, to bring up her money issues. Maybe have Tristan speak about getting the girl an outfit, or something. Something to let us wonder what will happen next.
Also at the very end you can actually leave it off totally. Like I said it is really not needed information and the last paragraph could be placed after she drops Tristan off actually if you want to shorten it that way.
I'll have to get with the second chapter a little later, but thank you for sharing and i like it so far. It is a very mature story and even though you said it will pick up you need something to hook your readers, since this place has majority young to young adults and the slow pace and just peaceful beginnings may not hold their attention enough to give your story a chance. Hope that helps and I look forward to the next part.
| Boy At War chapter 1 . 5/21/2011
This new opening was a bit more attention grabbing but hasn't sold me completely, if you ever get a Beta I would suggest asking them their opinion on it.
"her honey colored eyes twinkling with delight. Her eyes followed his careful footsteps."
I think you could just say "her honey colored eyes twinkled with delight, as they followed his careful footsteps." the original seems a bit wordy to me, but I'm not sure how this edit holds up grammatically.
'"So what was it like? I wish I could have come back with you. It's been a while since I've seen home." Nora inwardly laughed at herself, she always talked way to much around Tristan. It was almost like she was compensating for the fact that he couldn't see her by all of her talking.'
Up above this line you said that it was nice to be back home, yet you then say that it's been awhile since she'd seen home. It might help if you differential between these two homes since it can be confusing to the reader. If you said the names of the cities or replaced home with the word your house or mom's house. It might help with the explaination
| GoneAway-MightNotBeReturning chapter 2 . 5/21/2011
I love the ambling pace at which your writing goes along with. The reader neve gets bored with it, because you explain everything and add some interesing snippets in every now and then, whcih I absolutely love.
Another thing I love is Tristan's character. I'm so glad you didn't make him a stereotype, or have his personality centred around his blindness. I love how he's such an unique character of his own and how he's independent and his fluffy banter with Nora. They're such a contrast in character, don't you think? Which just makes their chemistry more believable.
This is getting awesome.
Can't wait for you to update soon. :D
| ShortcakeMattie chapter 2 . 5/20/2011
Tristan mixing up the sparkling apple cider with red wine made me laugh. His lines are always the best, especially the one about "...we all know how sexy Tristan is."
Along with other readers, I love the Nora/Tristan scenes. They will probably continue to be my favorite for the rest of the story. Their chemistry is what really makes them so believable and fun to read. But one thing I thought sounded strange was Tristan saying he could help Nora pick out an outfit if he can't see?
"Close," Nora told him, "Its lasagna. And you're going to have to wait because I only put it in the oven half an hour ago. It's not done yet."
Edit: "It's lasagna..."
"We can always catch up another day. Today's the day we're going to get you a social life. So finish off your lasagna woman."
Edit: "...So finish off your lasagna, woman."
| ShortcakeMattie chapter 1 . 5/20/2011
I really like how you handled explaining the world and work of a photographer. I took a photography class a few years ago so I knew a little bit of the subject; but you make things clear to the readers which is nice. Also the summary sounded sweet. I'm a sucker for romance.
I didn't think the chapter was too long or boring. You do NaNoWriMo too? That's cool! Did you win?
I like the relationship between Nora and Tristan. He reminds me of a good friend of mine, which also I think helps me like him more.
"Which one do you want me to answer first?" Tristan laughed, "Vacation with mom, dad, and Sophie was nice, but it's definitely nice to be home. Jordan came by to visit and told me you were taking yearbook pictures, so I just told him to drop me off here. I figured you'd need a little pick me up after that."
Edit: "Vacation with Mom, Dad, and Sophie was nice..."
"I think a few posed pictures would be nice, but I especially like the look of candid pictures. They better capture the event."
Edit: I think "They capture the event better." sounds better. ;)