|Reviews for Meet Me at the Altar|
| Rose chapter 1 . 5/18/2011
Ok returning the review, it reminded me a little bit of the wedding planer minus the blind guy. It does go on, maybe you could go back and look at what is necessary in the chapter.
You would want to cut out what is just run on sentences. You want to start with something that is a hook and makes me recall your story.
| WoodpeckerWho chapter 2 . 5/18/2011
I'm looking forward to seeing where this is going . I have my suspicions, but there's a lot of open-endness which could completely change that around, which I like because it leaves me intrigued and wanting to read your next update. The characters / situation / dialog is all very realistic and not forced, so I find the piece enjoyable to read, as I can really picture it. Tristan being blind is a new, fresh idea to me so it adds a twist which I haven't read before and become bored of. There was no grammar mistakes which I could see, which normally bug me, so that's good. The only constructive thing which I could pull out of the superb piece is that perhaps you could put Nora's thoughts in italics, or something, because during them it changes person, which left me initially confused at first. Anyway, I can't wait to read the next update, whenever it's posted! :D - Woody.
| thefaultinourpatronus chapter 2 . 5/18/2011
I love Nora. And I really liked how you portrayed her character in the middle; I knew she was organized and everything from the last chapter, but that was only through speech and dialogue. Here, you showed us what she was like at home, away from her office.
"I never claimed to be modest," he replied before continuing with his tale. "So we went to eat at that Chinese restaurant..."
-There's a lot of dialogue and descriptions in this para, maybe you could break it up? It's a bit daunting to read when it's just one huge block of text, you know?
Tristan definitely seems like the player type XD But yeah, I'm starting to warm up to him, because he actually seems like a nice guy from what we've seen so I'd like to see how he treats Nora and how they get along in the future.
Great chapter, can't wait for more! :D
| CCKins chapter 2 . 5/18/2011
Yay! Next chapter! I think I know where you're going with this story now. Hopefully Tristan and Nora will get together soon!
My respect for Tristan has reduced now, sleeping with Emma on the first date. Pfft. At the same time, I'm starting to like Nora better, now that I'm getting to know her more!
I wonder where the night out will lead to though...
Great story! Well done!
| MetalLove chapter 1 . 5/17/2011
The Review Game, Easy Fix
I liked the beginning of this story, because it introduced the two characters, Nora and Tristan, very well. The way they talk to one another really showcases how familiar they are with one each other, and really solidly puts out there what kind of relationship they share. The money thing, with Nora paying even though funds were low her, really added to the whole friendship dynamic too.
I liked the ending as well, because it showed how Nora could go from a sort-of carefree meeting/hang out with a friend, to a business meeting. Since you brought up the money issue earlier, the audience really knows how important each job much be. The way she switches from talking with a friend to talking with a client is very well done.
| Kobra Kid chapter 1 . 5/17/2011
Pretty good introduction. The characters seem very realistic and likeable, and the dialogue was believable as well. And first chapters are always slow-paced, so that's to be expected.
However, it wasn't that attention grabbing. You started off with Nora working at her not that exciting job, then meet up with Tristan (who I love, by the way :D). Maybe, before this chapter, you should have a prologue that's dramatic or really enticing. Also, the first section of it lacked emotion. It was all describing Nora's movements and her dialogue. I'd suggest writing out some of her thoughts/emotions in the introduction.
Besides that, however, it was fairly enjoyable. I really love Tristan's character, and how him and Nora interact. It's cute :)
~Kobra Kid, RH
| Daphne Auguste chapter 1 . 5/16/2011
Okay, it's me again.
Anyhow, coming back from the tangent about the chapter pace I was on before, I might add with that said (that being that since this is a introductory chapter and you don't really have to put the story into the midst of action) I think it'd be advisable for a more actiony scene next chapter, because that would vary the tones and textures in the story.
Did I mention the dialogue? - I'm just going to add that you're really great at that, because the dialogue establishes each of the character and their individual personalities into the story (i.e. by the way Nora answers the phone we can tell that she's professional and by the way Tristan jumps into deciding to take the waitress out on a date, we know that, despite his blindness he's still a rather spontaneous person)
That said, maybe you could fill us up with more on the past Tristan and Nora's relationship, because I don't think you mentioned that. Now, I don't think they're related or anything (and I'm getting the impression they'll end up together, hopefully) so I'd like to know more about their past. It would add another dimension to the story.
All in all, awesome beginning.
| Things-and-mings chapter 1 . 5/16/2011
i liked this story, and i loved Tristans charcter, he is quite amusing and Nora's profession is very interesting.
You have a good start and you should continue, but you need to somehow tell the reader what path you're taking with your story.
Im hoping Nora and Tristan get togther.
Well written x.
| hyrule chapter 1 . 5/16/2011
The beginning has a lot of her actions, I find, but not a lot of her feelings/emotions. It's good to try and find a balance because reading her actions can be a little boring at times. But I really like how you mentioned she "cradled" her camera, it's a perfect example of showing and not telling. I can tell she obviously cares a lot for it, without you actually saying it. I really loved that, even if it was small.
You missed a tag in the beginning, where it says "How's your family?" S(s)he asked him.
I really like how you sort of slipped it in there that he's blind. You didn't just outright say it, but you sort of hinted at it before casually putting that in there. I like that, and for me I like it because it gives the story a little flare of originality. There aren't that many stories with blind people in them, main characters at that.
Though, the beginning was a little mundane for me. I usually like a good reader grabbing, and you just thrust Nora and Tristan together in a scene that doesn't really have me completely hooked. Who is Tristan to her? Why should I care about him? Has it been a while since she's seen him, does she miss him? Is she surprised to see him? Little things like that, I think, would make me want to get to know him more, instead of making him just a guy.
Again though, I like the little insight on Tristan's character and Nora's. She seems like a more stable person who seems to be the type who sticks to a strict schedule, change is not her friend while Tristan seems like the more spontaneous type. I like it when people use things as simple as drinks to show these types of things. But even thought they're so different, their relationship has this relaxed, friendly dynamic that's really nice to read. How they're so comfortable with each other and their banter. That really gets me wanting to read more about their relationship, how they met and all. :)
The fact that you did your research on photography is refreshing, it's sort of irritating when someone includes something in their story while they know nothing of it at all, and can't be bothered to do some research. It really makes the story that much better, to me.
It's a pretty slow first chapter, I'll admit that, but it's a good one. There were a couple things that really caught my attention that really want to make me keep reading. There isn't any giant cliffhanger at the end, which is sort of the thing I love, but it's a nice, light-hearted beginning that I really like I'm going to continue with. It seems like an interesting story and definitely has a lot of potential. :D
| Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 5/16/2011
I think Nora and Tristan are nice, round characters. I like that Tristan is blind, and that it was given rather subtly.
[her and Tristan had gone] she and Tristan…
I thought the pacing of the plot was fine. Though I wish you’d introduced Tristan’s relationship with Nora more explicitly.
| Shirin Madavey chapter 1 . 5/16/2011
["Pete's for sure," Tristan said, "Why would I want to go back to my place?" He leaned his back on the headrest, angling his head so he would get the sun on his face.
"Maybe because I haven't seen Skips for two whole months? Has he recovered from the flight yet?"]
This piece of conversation seems a little bit confusing to me. What would not seeing "Skips" have anything to do with him not wanting to "go back to his place"
I noticed that you have a lot of kind of short dialogue chapters at the beginning, which kind of get tiring at the beginning. I also noticed that you have a lot of dialogue-a lot of it doesn't seem needed or even part of the story. For example, is it necessary to include Liam and Nora having a conversation about which packages they want? Or having your characters order their food?
I wasn't sure what the conflict was for this story. Is it the fact that Nora is busy all the time or the fact that she doesn't have enough money? Perhaps it could be a little bit clearer...
Either way, I like that you have a main character that is passionate about something, and it is also interesting that Tristan is blind yet still seems to be assertive and independent. Between all the characters, Tristan holds my attention the most.
| slashedkaze chapter 1 . 5/16/2011
First off, I like Nora and Tristan as characters. I love that Nora's independent. I like that Tristan is blind :)
I loved the teasing about the waitress's looks.
Your writing is very easy to follow, but it is slow. Maybe you should take another look at the chapter and try to find parts you can summarize/shorten? I don't know how the story's going to turn out, so I don't know what's going to be important in the future and should be left in...
I'm interested in seeing where this is gonna go, because right now, I really can't tell.
Oh, and I'm having trouble telling what kind of narrator you're going for. Omniscient or 3rd person limited?
| CCKins chapter 1 . 5/16/2011
This is a really interesting story here! I have yet to read a story on FP about money troubles, so this is a first!
I really liked Tristan! Him being blind was a good 'twist' to the story and I like the way he handled it like it was normal. I quite adore him for that! He seems like a very funny character too! I can't wait to hear more from him.
I didn't see much that you could improve on, only that when the same speaker is speaking, don't put it on a different paragraph, that confused me some. Some sentences were quite confusing too.
Also, who is Connor at the end? Did you mean Liam?
Overall, entertaining and good story to read! Well done!
| GoneAway-MightNotBeReturning chapter 1 . 5/16/2011
Okay, so Tristan's blind? You get a whole jar of cookies for ingenuity and for not straight out telling the reader that he's blind. :D
I can't believe how everyone's pretty much pointed out every grammar error. Makes me feel a bit useless.
Anyhow, there's a great ominescent POV you use there, and Nora is a great character. By introducing her at the beginning doing what she loves - photography - yet something she can't really pursue to the greatest extent of her talents and potential (such as when she thinks how every kid in the yearbook looks alike and if she had a choice to do the photos herself she'd do different poses, etc. etc.) really establishes her character well.
And no, this chapter's not slow paced at all, cause after all you're introducing each of the major characters and developing them, so that the reader is hooked and will keep clicking 'next chapter' for more.
| Jax Creation chapter 1 . 5/16/2011
As thanks for pointing out that error in TAG I'm going to review thoroughly as I go. I tend to put focus on grammar and spelling when reading but hopefully this won't turn into a long review.
I think that you could add in a few more adverbs/adjectives to describe Nora's movement's at the very beginning of the chapter. You don't really get much of a sense of her distaste for the job.
Also I think there should be a break between "Next!" and "There were few..."
"Over here[,] Tristan,"
"How was  family?"
- Missing a word? The, perhaps?
"...but it[']s definitely..."
"So how was it like?"
- I think you mean "So [what] was it like?"
"It[']s been a while since I've seen home."
"Nora shook her head with a smile, she always talked way to much around Tristan. It was almost like she was compensating for the fact that he couldn't see her by all of her talking."
- ? The compensating thing doesn't seem like a happy thought. A smile would be appropriate if it's wistful or wry, I suppose.
"As much as I love my parents"
- Shouldn't that be [our] as opposed to "my"?
"dented again from your stupid cane"
- [by] your stupid cane.
"She placed the bags neatly in the back of the trunk, but before closing the trunk changed her mind and took the camera bag out"
- Having "trunk" written twice in the space of five words sounds silly. Synonyms?
"He leaned his head back on the headrest, angling his head so he would get the sun on his face."
- Again, repetition of "head" in such close proximity sounds odd.
"Nora pulled in neatly into the small parking spots behind their local coffee joint."
- Nora pulled [neatly into one of] the small parking spots behind their local coffee joint.
"Upon finding the handle he pulled it..."
- Upon sounds silly amongst the modern syntax - [he found the handle and opened the door] works fine.
"Nora had already gotten out of the car and was sitting on the hood of her car waiting"
- Don't need "of her car", readers assume that it's the hood of her own car she's going to sit on.
"One green tea. And"
- "One green tea[,] and...?"
"And it wasn't something she usually complained about, so how was he to know."
- "[But] it wasn't something... so how was he to know[?]"
"...but let[']s skip on the bet."
"Thank you[,] sweets,"
"Do you have anything interesting to [do] tonight?"
"...do you want to come by then[,] Tristan?"
"Nora was always a little [too] wound up in her work."
"...we can just chill at my place Sunday night[,] ok?"
""Sounds fine to me, let[']s head out then." He tapped his cane back and forth on [the] ground"
"...she had crazy facial hair[,]"
"Alright[,] alright, we're here Tristan. I'll expect interesting stories about tonight's date when I see you day after tomorrow."
"Liam looked excited, "Definitely a mix of both."
-Liam's name suddenly changes to Connor after this sentence.
"Your fiancé[e] should..."
-fiancee has two Es because it's feminine here.
"...it[']s my job."
"When the women had called her"
Ok - well, from a scan through what I've written you need to keep an eye on your grammar. Just the little things, like commas and contractions.
I really liked the byplay between Nora and Tristan, there were quite a few parts that made me laugh - particularly the bit where Nora decided to be a little cheeky and embellish on Emma's features and Tristan wasn't entirely sure if she was joking or not. I've been in those kinds of situations (where someone says something that could easily be true - or a simple joke) a lot.
I feel that we got to know both of their characters really well - but I will admit that I like Tristan a little more than Nora. xD
Work a little on showing rather than telling and try to add a little more action and description between dialogue. Blood, roses and mosquitoes; try to use all the senses when writing to give readers a better sense of the character's situation and emotions.
Anyway, you're off to a good start and I'm looking forward to seeing how your characters and the plot develop as the story progresses. _
~Jax C. / RH - review returned.
~ Jax C. / RH - review returned.