|Reviews for Meet Me at the Altar|
| GoneAway-MightNotBeReturning chapter 1 . 5/16/2011
Okay, so Tristan's blind? You get a whole jar of cookies for ingenuity and for not straight out telling the reader that he's blind. :D
I can't believe how everyone's pretty much pointed out every grammar error. Makes me feel a bit useless.
Anyhow, there's a great ominescent POV you use there, and Nora is a great character. By introducing her at the beginning doing what she loves - photography - yet something she can't really pursue to the greatest extent of her talents and potential (such as when she thinks how every kid in the yearbook looks alike and if she had a choice to do the photos herself she'd do different poses, etc. etc.) really establishes her character well.
And no, this chapter's not slow paced at all, cause after all you're introducing each of the major characters and developing them, so that the reader is hooked and will keep clicking 'next chapter' for more.
| Jax Creation chapter 1 . 5/16/2011
As thanks for pointing out that error in TAG I'm going to review thoroughly as I go. I tend to put focus on grammar and spelling when reading but hopefully this won't turn into a long review.
I think that you could add in a few more adverbs/adjectives to describe Nora's movement's at the very beginning of the chapter. You don't really get much of a sense of her distaste for the job.
Also I think there should be a break between "Next!" and "There were few..."
"Over here[,] Tristan,"
"How was  family?"
- Missing a word? The, perhaps?
"...but it[']s definitely..."
"So how was it like?"
- I think you mean "So [what] was it like?"
"It[']s been a while since I've seen home."
"Nora shook her head with a smile, she always talked way to much around Tristan. It was almost like she was compensating for the fact that he couldn't see her by all of her talking."
- ? The compensating thing doesn't seem like a happy thought. A smile would be appropriate if it's wistful or wry, I suppose.
"As much as I love my parents"
- Shouldn't that be [our] as opposed to "my"?
"dented again from your stupid cane"
- [by] your stupid cane.
"She placed the bags neatly in the back of the trunk, but before closing the trunk changed her mind and took the camera bag out"
- Having "trunk" written twice in the space of five words sounds silly. Synonyms?
"He leaned his head back on the headrest, angling his head so he would get the sun on his face."
- Again, repetition of "head" in such close proximity sounds odd.
"Nora pulled in neatly into the small parking spots behind their local coffee joint."
- Nora pulled [neatly into one of] the small parking spots behind their local coffee joint.
"Upon finding the handle he pulled it..."
- Upon sounds silly amongst the modern syntax - [he found the handle and opened the door] works fine.
"Nora had already gotten out of the car and was sitting on the hood of her car waiting"
- Don't need "of her car", readers assume that it's the hood of her own car she's going to sit on.
"One green tea. And"
- "One green tea[,] and...?"
"And it wasn't something she usually complained about, so how was he to know."
- "[But] it wasn't something... so how was he to know[?]"
"...but let[']s skip on the bet."
"Thank you[,] sweets,"
"Do you have anything interesting to [do] tonight?"
"...do you want to come by then[,] Tristan?"
"Nora was always a little [too] wound up in her work."
"...we can just chill at my place Sunday night[,] ok?"
""Sounds fine to me, let[']s head out then." He tapped his cane back and forth on [the] ground"
"...she had crazy facial hair[,]"
"Alright[,] alright, we're here Tristan. I'll expect interesting stories about tonight's date when I see you day after tomorrow."
"Liam looked excited, "Definitely a mix of both."
-Liam's name suddenly changes to Connor after this sentence.
"Your fiancé[e] should..."
-fiancee has two Es because it's feminine here.
"...it[']s my job."
"When the women had called her"
Ok - well, from a scan through what I've written you need to keep an eye on your grammar. Just the little things, like commas and contractions.
I really liked the byplay between Nora and Tristan, there were quite a few parts that made me laugh - particularly the bit where Nora decided to be a little cheeky and embellish on Emma's features and Tristan wasn't entirely sure if she was joking or not. I've been in those kinds of situations (where someone says something that could easily be true - or a simple joke) a lot.
I feel that we got to know both of their characters really well - but I will admit that I like Tristan a little more than Nora. xD
Work a little on showing rather than telling and try to add a little more action and description between dialogue. Blood, roses and mosquitoes; try to use all the senses when writing to give readers a better sense of the character's situation and emotions.
Anyway, you're off to a good start and I'm looking forward to seeing how your characters and the plot develop as the story progresses. _
~Jax C. / RH - review returned.
~ Jax C. / RH - review returned.
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 5/15/2011
Going to review as I read so I don't forget anything I wanted to say. )
Hmm, one of the main characters is blind? Interesting twist to the story-I'm sure that will cause a few unique situations. You may want to mention it a bit sooner in the story, mainly where Tristan is introduced, because the following sentence had me a bit confused until I read further down that he was blind:
"Nor?" He called out cautiously, turning his head from side to side, most likely trying to catch a familiar sound or smell. She had always thought it unusual how his eyes followed the direction of sounds, even if they didn't help him see much, but he had told her it made people more comfortable than eyes glancing off in strange directions.
Perhaps mention his condition in that paragraph, just to save the reader from scratching their head in curiosity for the next few paragraphs. )
Tristan saying that everyone had plans reminded that she had something scheduled today, but she couldn't remember what it was.
I think you're missing either a 'her' or 'Nora' between 'reminded' and 'that'.
Nora glanced over at Tristan, her eyes sparkling mischievously, "Well she had a lot of acne, but she has nice features. She looked a little lumpy in the midriff area, and had the beginnings of a 'stache, but other than that she was cute."
Hehe, this made me laugh.
Nora pulled out her and wedding portfolio and sat down at her desk in front of her computer.
Just one extra 'and' there between 'her' and 'wedding'.
I don't normally read romances very often, but I find this to have an interesting premise. I'm eager to see how the date with Tristan and Emma goes. I bet that will make for a humorous conversation when he tells her he's blind. Not that it's a bad thing, of course.
Anyway, good job and keep writing!
| thefaultinourpatronus chapter 1 . 5/15/2011
I think you've got a really unique idea on your hands. The protagonist as a photographer seems interesting, because she sees everything from an outsider's point of view. Also, I haven't read anything like this on FP so I can't wait to see where you take it!
The woman waved her off,
-I think the comma should be a period.
You've done the dialogue extremely well. I can never get that right for adults but you did it perfectly. Nora seems to know everyone, so the dialogue is light and friendly. But she also sounds profession at the same time. Great job with that!
-Apostrophe required. "Her's,"
Pace was a bit of an issue, but as you pointed out in the end, things will progress later so that's alright. It was fine in the beginning but felt a bit drag-ish towards the end.
"...you'll pay a fee of 30% of the total cost up front..."
-Spell out the "thirty per cent".
I love Nora as a character. She draws the perfect line between professional and friendly. The lasting impression about her was that she was a hard worker. I don't think much of the other characters yet, because we've only had a few conversations with them. They feel a bit empty now. Nora is great so far.
I also love the summary. It seems perfectly apt for the story, although she doesn't seem to be the 'waiting for her prince' type, you know? She's too professional. But I'm sure her character will develop to fit the summary, which by the way, I hope you don't change! It's great. The title is also really cool; it made me think of Nora and how she knows her prince but hasn't met him yet... Or maybe it isn't quite as deep XD
Anyway on the whole, an engaging read! I look forward to reading more! :D
| HoodedStellaish chapter 1 . 5/15/2011
So, here's what I caught immediately. You have a great sense of movement in the story, as in I can see what the characters are doing. However, whenever there was someone else besides the main focus, like Tristin and Nora, you lost the third person's (the waitress's)reactions to what he said.
You also called Liam "Connor" when she handed him the card. Not sure if that was a typo or not.
Thanks for your review!
~Stella from the RH