Reviews for Meet Me at the Altar
mikey magee chapter 3 . 10/26/2011
"She {unwillingly} let herself be dragged onto the" Again watch out for the adverbs in the sentences. They can be redundant.

What I really want to commend you on is the dialog. You manage to convey so much for each character with one quip. What I think will make the narrative flow a little faster is if you manage to add a few more underlying actions to compliment (or work against) the dialog.

Ex: When Nick is flirting with Nora, you can add a lot more about his character if you add how he was moving. Was he carefully moving towards Nora on the dance floor, trying to feel her up (there by making his character a little too flirty) or was he kind of dancing at a distance, eyeing other women as they passed by, etc...

Another example: " "Sorry Nick," she said, looking slightly irritated," This is what I meant by the above. This is good. You managed to show subtext here (I would get rid of the word "slightly" though).

"All the guys here are assholes," she mumbled to herself counting the empty bottles on the table on her fingers." Nice job with the drunkness, it was funn. I think it would help the scene if you added some slurring to her dalog or conveyed her drunkness through her actions (i.e. slumping over a table.)

Ending to the chapter was nice, but I think it needs more of a hook or a change to keep the reader going. What about this chapter (and the events in it) changed the dynamic, or moved the plot forward? What makes the reader want to continue. Maybe try to end this chapter off on a strong image, like maybe this is the moment Tristan (or Nora for the matter) realizes their feelings.
mikey magee chapter 2 . 10/25/2011
" but it made it easier for Tristan, who was over at her place almost as often as he was at his." change "he" to "she"

Now that you've set up how close Tristan and Nora are, I think it would be good if you started showing signs of their relationship beginning to strain, or about how Nora's job seems to be a big deal to her (i.e. how she became stressed out about the bills, or how she seems to focus more on her work life than her social life). While Tristan is busy giving her advice about her love life, she can be busy thinking about her work which would then give the reader a little more insight to that part of her character.

I love Tristan. He seems like a nice kind guy and I look forward to learning more about him. Again, try to look out for adverbs (i.e. she asked hopefully"), they can seem somewhat redundant.

Nice chapter just the same. It read quickly, which is a very good sign :)
mikey magee chapter 1 . 10/25/2011
I liked the opening, it's always a good idea to start it off with an action, or a forward movement. It's a good hook for the reader.

This phrase " her sticky lipstick coated lips" read a little awkwardly. Maybe consider changing to "her lips", I don't think the part about lipstick was necessary.

"The child scowled and reluctantly sat down" I would remove the word "reluctantly", it isn't needed because the action (i.e. "she scowled") already sets the emotion very well.

Same thing with this line, " He called out cautiously, turning his head from side to side" the word "cautiously" isn't needed.

"Wait(,) how did you get here?" You need a comma here.

"it had been locked in for the past few hours" I liked thie line. It was creative the way you used the word "locked" giving the scene a nice image.

" she always talked way to much" change the "to" to "too".

"...She could use an assistant herself..."

This entire line was wonderful. I love it when an author can subtly include a character's backstory. The way you infused Nora's situation with the rest of the story was seamless.

Now, the opening sentence was good, and I loved how you're defining the relationship between the two characters Nora and Tristan, but it was a little slow for me. I think giving the characters a little more subtext could help. I love that they're close, but I kind of wanted to get into Nora's head a little more with her business and how her bills have been piling up. Maybe while she was talking with Tristan she could have been thinking about all of the various stressors in her life.

The ending was nice, but I think it would be better if you added some kind of a hook. Maybe something about how desperately she needs this job, or about how tired and overworked she is, something that would make the reader sit up and become a little more worried about her situation.

But regardless, you've done a wonderful job showing the relationship between both Nora and Tristan. Great job there :)
BlacksunRising chapter 6 . 10/25/2011
i dont really like this chapter but its nice to see some development
BlacksunRising chapter 5 . 10/25/2011
hmmm. Mr simmon huh. lol i like yor writing style. keep it up
BlacksunRising chapter 4 . 10/25/2011
hmmm. i like that your story si very slice of life. i can relate to nora. maybe if the pace picked up speed a little? good stuff
BlacksunRising chapter 3 . 10/25/2011
aww they are so sweet!. i really like this chapter, nothing like acohol to lossen inhibitions.
BlacksunRising chapter 2 . 10/25/2011
i love how your main characters dynamic is! maybe you could put the thoughts in itallic? much easier to track
AquariusGirl230191 chapter 1 . 10/25/2011
Hey

I'm here to redo your review since apparently it was not good enough for the "easyfix" forum game thing. So...

GOOD THING - I liked the overall plot of the story, I liked the dialogue because it was interesting and seemed realistic.

BAD THING - I disliked the way you sometimes have overly long sentences. For example : "This girl was probably no older than eight, but here she was standing in front of Nora, one hand on her hip, the other in her hair, and to top it all off, trying to make a sexy pouty face with her sticky lipstick coated lips."

I am just being "nit-picky" here as I seriously couldn't fault anything else. Some readers just prefer shorter, snappier sentences, so perhaps you could try to shorten some in the future / redrafts.

Overall your story is good, and I am enjoying it so far. Take Care
BlacksunRising chapter 1 . 10/25/2011
I liked the start of the chapter, always interesting to hear about jobs that involve weddings (bit obssessed)
Lara Bykirk chapter 7 . 10/25/2011
I think your experiment with this chapter worked really well. I really liked reading from Liam's point of view, and hearing a little more about what was going through his head. And I'm impressed that, as this chapter shows, you can make a huge range of characters likable-Liam and Tristan are basically opposites, and yet I like both of them. Great job.

There isn't much that obviously needs revision in this chapter. If anything, I think that you could expand the section with Josh a bit more. You sketch out his character well, but if you're adding in a new character it wouldn't hurt to expand, and I'm interested in hearing more of what Liam would say about his disappointments to a close friend-and whether that's any different from what he would think in the privacy of his own head.
AquariusGirl230191 chapter 7 . 10/24/2011
Hi

I am enjoying this story so far and I look forward to reading the rest :) You write well :) I am struggling to find anything constructive to say really , but that's a good thing!

Take Care

Vicky
Lady of romance world88 chapter 4 . 10/24/2011
Loved it and aww skippy is so cute :)
Lady of romance world88 chapter 3 . 10/24/2011
Wow! Nora is determined to get marry. Hope that she will :)
sacrificed heart chapter 7 . 10/23/2011
I'll become your beta if you want. I am currently about to start writing for NanoWrimo, so I won't have any other thing to do but write my story and edit it! :) so that means I can edit yours also, loved this chapter btw! :D
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