|Reviews for Honour of the Heart|
| ArgentanHeart chapter 1 . 10/29/2013
So, I have to say, I hope the rapist isn't the guy she falls for...
I liked the story. A fierce woman is always a fun read. I think you did a good job of avoiding making Aline either a princess princess or a total rebel. I find sometimes you diologue is a little stiff. I get that you are trying to make it sound periody, but I wish it had just been more natural. This is especially true with the opening line. It felt really awkward and like an info dump. I think you can have a little more fun in the story. We could use a couple funny lines. Maybe something to humanize Aline. She's a little too stiff and perfect. You need something odd or random to be her character stamp.
The action was interesting. It was a good start to the story. There is a good solid arc. It sets up some characters and a lot of potential for the rest of the story.
Good work. Thank you sharing!
| lookingwest chapter 19 . 10/15/2013
Aline willed Hugh to run it was too late. [This is an odd sentence - I feel like maybe it should be two or that it might be missing a conjunction.]
Things escalate! I feel so terrible for Aline in this chapter, it's like she just can't catch a break and it's all happening so fast now. I really liked how you narrated - everything here was smooth and the flow of the chapter and transitions worked well. There was one though that I felt perhaps had a little tension - when Hugh narrates his story involving Jack. I wasn't sure what that had those strange lines before and after it - I felt like it did a good job just you know, as part of the narrative. I wouldn't put it in italics or any special formatting, it seems like it integrates well as just a summary of what Hugh tells Aline. Other than that moment though, the whole chapter meshed really well.
I liked the scene in the carriage and then later when Aline speaks to Stephen about the bleeding. I was there with her that there is some sympathy to be felt for him because of his injury. It makes for such a tragic hero - the head injury clearly has driven him sort of mad, or at least, has unleashed his anger complex to the extreme. And it's sad that if it wouldn't have happened he would probably be a completely different man. It makes for a very complex and great villain, and I liked that you brought it up again since we haven't had it mentioned in awhile. It's good to remind the reader of these sorts of things.
I was really surprised that Hugh showed up to speak to Aline - it was daring, and it cost him. I was even surprised that he ended up getting caught. Not exactly fulfilling the role of the mysterious shadow-spy man, but I like that it shows he isn't perfect and that his heart really rules perhaps his rationality on getting caught. I'm really afraid now for what might happen to him though, since Stephen seems set on torture and from Aline's perspective there really feels like almost no way out. Hopefully Lorrimer will assist. I also found it very noble that Aline keeps insisting about her people and her home as a reason not to flee. It really shows her strength even in the face of Stephen.
Finally - I'm also interested that there are apparently ten more chapters and counting of this story because right now it feels like the big plot tension is converging soon - I'm guessing something very big happens that changes the course of the novel, and I look forward to finding out what it is!
| Guy who may like dragons chapter 1 . 10/12/2013
Interesting. I like how you describe Aline's personality by her actions rather than adjectives; it makes the story way more immersive. The same goes for the hinted past events; it's good not to know everything since it sparks the reader's curiosity.
Additionally, when she was drugged you really expanded your story from some well-written historical story, to a well-written historical story with adventure (and maybe action) elements, which widens the possible audience.
About improvements, I'm not really sure if I found any errors. The only thing that bothered me was that "goings-on" could simply be written "goings", but the "goings-on" might give a gossipy feeling, so, uhm, yeah.
| Highway Unicorn chapter 1 . 10/9/2013
Aw sweet, a historical.
First, I really enjoyed your diction. I felt that most of the dialogue was well written and went smoothly. The only part when it got awkward, in my opinion, was the conversation between Dickon and Aline, but I’ll get into that later on. Overall, I got a good sense of that high-born sort of speaking from your characters, and I’m sure that was your goal.
One thing that I’m uneasy about is the world itself. If this is indeed a historical (like is says in your genre thing) where exactly is this taking place? In my opinion, that’s one of the key factors that need to be addressed sooner than later for many reasons. One, to bring in more readers who are interested in that particular period, and two, to help familiarize the readers with the society/period. So far, I get the feeling that this is some sort of mid-century piece, but I don’t know for sure. Also, knowing what period this takes place, the readers can help point out things.
The one thing that bothered me was when Dickon revealed his master plan to Aline. Cliché bad guy reveals the grand scheme of things plot device before MC. Why? What was the point of it all? Why did he need to waste his breath on explaining everything to this drugged out chick? I think you were trying to bring more intensity to the scene, but in my opinion, I think it would have been more dramatic to explain her blacking out with Dickon making a move on her without having him blabber on about plot details. Reveal those plot details later on, to make it more surprising, you know?
This appears to be a lovely story, and the plot is very interesting. Don’t get me wrong, I’m enjoying what I’m reading. My only suggestions are to bring about the historical aspect a little bit more clearly and to avoid falling into popular clichés.
| lookingwest chapter 18 . 10/8/2013
Oh boy - it's been awhile. Welcome back!
For some bizarre reason right now - I can't seem to highlight anything in your story and copy and paste it - so, uh, I guess - the first sentence "lead" I'm pretty sure should be "led". Ugh, I hope that FP didn't disable the ability to copy and paste or anything, I use that to point out typos! Yikes...
Ah yes, things came back to me pretty quick. I like how you go through the narrative of Hugh's initial stay in the jail - there's a good moment there where he orders the guard to clean up the cell a bit and I thought that demonstrated of course what it intended, that he still has some voice and sway. Because Hugh is so different from Stephen and it was mentioned, I like that you dropped in the plot point of some people in the castle being on Hugh's side because it caused me to wonder what might happen, and then when Jack shows up in the next scene it was like instant gratification to that question, haha. It's too bad Jack can't get away, but I think he'd rather try to help Hugh stop Stephen anyway - it shows their loyalty as friends and comrades in arms very nicely.
First sentence in Aline's narration is "Sotried" not sure if you wanted that without the space or not? I mean, without it I suppose it kind of has this slurred implication so I wasn't sure if it was on purpose - if so, I'm actually kind of pro keeping it two words. I'm leaning towards you did it on purpose since her other inner dialogues are without spaces too... I think you should just leave them without, her mental state makes me read the exhaustion in her words there without it visually needing to be there. (this is just a nitpick opinion though)
Hateyou! needs a space after the exclamation point. (WHY CAN'T I COPY AND PASTE UGH!)
Damn though, Hugh got off easy there at the end - with the sword and all I thought for sure Stephen would sentence his death because Stephen is kind of a bastard. Glad to see it didn't come to that, as I would have totally expected it. Their old friendship must still have some sway. At any rate - I really liked the description of Aline's bleeding because you did a good job portraying how terrible it is. I remember earlier in this story when they were traveling in the forest and she cauterized Hugh's wound - you have a good way with brining in very historical manners of medical attentions, and I like how you portray them and their relevance. That being said, I feel awful for Aline - here's hoping Hugh can carry through with his plans - thank goodness he isn't in jail or without agency, even if he is banished!
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 26 . 9/7/2013
In terms of critique, there’s little I could say that I haven’t said before so I won’t mention too much. Just one tiny thing. ["Hello Stephen," he said.] could have more impact if you drop the ‘he said’. It’s not needed. It just makes the tension of the end of the chapter feel…awkward. And we know who’s saying it. Also, small grammar thing, if someone is being addressed there should be a comma before their name.
Anyway. You have a nice build up to the battle here, and I think the battle itself is done quite well. They can be hard to write, but I think you got the scenes across clearly enough. Touching moment between Godfrey and Hugh, too, and I like how you leave it hanging as to whether he will survive or not. Good increase of tension throughout, so good job overall.
| DutchAver chapter 29 . 9/2/2013
I reviewed the very first chapter of this story at January the 29th, 2012. That means that it's been about twenty months since my very first review - that's how long it took me to read this. Bizarre when you think about it, right?
Anyway, I'm done, and it's been one hell of a ride! First story I finished reviewing in a very long time, and you've done a good job. You had me on the edge of my seat in this chapter, right until the end - Hugh was probably really close to death during that fight. (By the way, what has happened to Godfrey? Is he alive, or did he die? He's not mentioned here anymore, and that's a shame)
I think his desire to die in this chapter comes from his killing of his cousin still. Hugh is honourable and certainly not the kind of person to slay his own kin, so it's sad for him that he has broken his own rules. For the greater good, because Stephen was a monster, but it's dishonourable nonetheless. I'm glad he gets away with it, with a happy ending with Aline. They've deserved it both and I'm glad that you got them together.
Funny thing is, if I'd write down a quick summary of this story, it seems like a really cheap story, one of which there are a thousand. But the more I delve into the story, the more unique and well-written it gets. It's hard to summarize this story because every simple summary is unfair to the story itself. It's been a great tale.
Two things I didn't like(well, three, considering you didn't resolve Godfrey's fate): the sudden turn of Hugh, who had been set in stone as loyal to his cousin, and the sudden and a-bit-too-easy flight of Aline and Hugh. I think Hugh's turn against his cousin for Aline could've been a bit more subtle still. As for the flight, I think it should have been a bit harder, I think they shouldn't have encountered Godfrey's army so easily. Also, I think you could've foreshadowed him more. (Unless you did and I forgot, in which case, sorry)
However, all in all, I loved this story and I hope you're going to write more. It's been amazing!
| DutchAver chapter 28 . 9/2/2013
I really like how Hugh has won with honour and Stephen lost while fighting dirty(no pun intended), yet you still had me on the edge of my seat all through the fight. You really had me there, and I like how you've resolved the Stephen-plot this way. It feels very much in character how, at the end, Hugh says he's sorry it all worked out that way, with his insanity and all. It's a rather sad ending, if you think about it - Hugh has lost someone who used to be his best friend. Then again, that person died on the day of the accident. But it's sad nonetheless.
Also, yay for Aline being the person who got Hugh to kill Stephen! Her scream did distract him, but I'm relieved that it's only for the better. She really is no person to just stand by and watch, she has to have influence somehow. Thank goodness she's like that, because that's what caused Hugh to kill Stephen, in the end.
What has happened to Godfrey? Please don't kill Godfrey! He's so close to Aline and it would break my heart to see him die. I want to see him be friends with Hugh in some way, maybe.
Anyway, one more chapter to go! And two mistakes:
'It was hard to believe this was the same day?' Why is this a question? Grammar-wise, the sentence shouldn't be one.
'against the hiltl' I think that second l shouldn't be there
| DutchAver chapter 27 . 9/2/2013
I like how you show what kind of a cowardly monster Stephen is by showing how his men are very much not eager to fight or die in his cause. Again, he reminds me a bit of Joffrey in that regard - widely hated but somehow on the throne, and also an incredible coward. Stephen, at the start of the chapter, is doing everything he can to survive, all but bravely.
Yet, later in the chapter, he's back to mocking his cousin again even though said cousin can kill him in a heartbeat. I like how you've done that too - Stephen either knows Hugh's too honourable to kill the Duke, or he's a bit less cowardly then he's letting on.
Anyway, you've done a fine job in establishing that I should be either terrified or very angry at Stephen. But his men have given up on him, his battle has been lost, and now I really can't wait to see Stephen battle Hugh. I hope he'll come to a very nasty end.
I'm determined to finish this today, so I'm going to. *Keeps reading*
| DutchAver chapter 26 . 8/31/2013
Well then, I can't really finish this story today and this review is just to prevent me from going off the radar for a few months again, since I should go to sleep right about now - this will be my only review today. I'm not sure if I'll get around to reviewing tomorrow since I'll be gone pretty much all day, so... I guess I'll review the last three chapters on Monday instead, then
Anyway, on to the review.
I love how in this chapter, you really are focussing as well as you can on Stephen and how he's excellent at playing the villain. It does feel a whole lot more convincing now, Hugh turning against his cousin because he's tired of his insanity and he's in love with his forced wife. Amazing, also, how you focused on the battle itself, and how sad it is to have to kill people, to end their lives. You do that very convincingly.
For a moment there, I was actually worried that you were going to kill off Godfrey. I'm really glad you didn't, because I'm beginning to like the guy now that he's come to terms with Hugh. I guess I was wrong about him. That's okay, I like being wrong.
Hugh makes a very daring move at the end, challenging Stephen so directly, and I can't wait to see how Stephen responds to that.
All in all, great chapter! See you on Monday! I might get around to reviewing some tomorrow, but no promises )
| DutchAver chapter 25 . 8/30/2013
Yeah, this was a pretty good chapter as well. I like how, in this and previous chapters, you do deal with the consequences of Aline bedding Hugh, how most lords are absolutely not comfortable with that, and that does make it a lot more realistic. Adds to the atmosphere.
I also really liked your ending - this chapter does a great job in establishing that, though they're together, they've still got a lot of obstacles to overcome and they still have to fight Stephen. No idea how that's going to turn out, but I'm sure you've got a great fight planned between them and Stephen.
I think that, of the batch of chapters I've been reading, that this was the best one because it does keep up the tension now, and it builds up to an undoubtably great climax.
Anyway, this is it for today - it's getting late and I'm tired. Tomorrow, I hope to - at last - finish this story! D
| DutchAver chapter 24 . 8/30/2013
I feel this chapter was a lot more interesting than the previous one, because now, you focused more on the conflict. Sure, Hugh and Aline are happy together now, but there's still a lot of unresolved plot threads hanging and now, you're focusing more on them, which personally satisfies me a whole lot more.
The first half of the chapter, I feel, still lacks a bit of that conflict, but you more than make up for it later in the chapter when Hennessey turns out to be the traitor. In all honesty, I didn't remember him, but I'm pretty sure that's my fault for reviewing so sporadically. What I didn't like about the second bit, was Hennessey turning so soon and begging for his life, or to have a quick death - what I've seen from Hennessey thus far, is that he seems brave and not one to beg in any circumstance.
I also like, in the first half of the chapter - even though it was not as interesting as the rest of it - how you characterized Aline, not being the woman to sit down and watch. That shows very well how much she cares for Hugh whilst also characterizing her.
Anyway, I'll keep on reading...
| DutchAver chapter 23 . 8/30/2013
I reviewed! Even though I didn't promise. I should not make promises more often so that I can keep them. Wait, that didn't make any sense...
...So on to the review D
I guess I had been right and Godfrey does like Aline, because Hugh seems to see the same as I do. I don't care how much Aline feels Godfrey is her brother - I really think he likes her more than he's telling Aline, and seeing her together with Hugh must kill him on the inside. Poor guy, I do feel sorry for him.
However, personally? I didn't really like this chapter very much, because I feel that your conflict is gone. Aline and Hugh are together, they can make love all day if they want, so why is the rest of this story still interesting? I personally think you should've focused more on Stephen, who is still alive somewhere out there, or Godfrey, who can easily tear those two lovers apart if he wants to. There are six more chapters to come, so I hope that you've got some more conflict for us near the end.
I'll keep on reading!
| DutchAver chapter 22 . 8/29/2013
It seems quite obvious to me that Godfrey is very jealous of Hugh and that he longs for Aline as much as the other - yet he will never have Aline, so I guess that'll mean there'll be trouble between him and Hugh. I fear of what Godfrey's capable of, because he seems like the kind of guy that can turn into Stephen once you do something he doesn't want.
I'm a bit bothered by your portrayal of the medieval culture. So, Aline has a say in with whom she marries? Weren't all medieval damsels forcibly married to other people? I get why you couldn't let it get in the way of the story, but then, let her beg Godfrey to tell the council to not marry her off, if that's in character for him.
And the sex scene at the end... I'm not sure if that fits with the morality of that time, with sex being exclusively limited to marriage. Sure, everyone male slept around, but Aline doing this at the end of the chapter can easily cost her her head.
Anyway, I'm calling it a night here(or a very early morning, since I just passed midnight) but I hope to return to this story tomorrow. No promises, because I'll break them.
Hope I was a bit helpful!
| DutchAver chapter 21 . 8/29/2013
I have to say that I'm having some difficulties accepting Aline's rescue. It doesn't really make sense to me how, when they're all in trouble, they're escaping and suddenly, they find an allied army and all is well again with Aline. That just doesn't sit well with me, it all feels a bit too easy.
I do have to say that the end did hit me, with Aline and Hugh finally getting that kiss and Aline trying everything in her power to save her lover. That does seem very convincing because yes, she does love him, and you're doing a fine job in showing that even while they're rescued, they're still not completely safe as nobody trusts Hugh yet. I'm guessing that Godfrey himself is jealous of Hugh even though he's not showing it.
I am wondering about what will happen later, with a few more chapters to go, so I'll just keep up reading, because I'm very certain that you're still having plans for Stephen. And I hope they'll be awesome and satisfying, with Stephen dying a very slow and agonizing death...