In the first couple of paragraphs here, I noticed you use her name quite a lot - I think in some cases, you could change it to 'she', just so it isn't repetitive. [And they were invitations, not commands or threats; each one accompanied by a gift; an embroidered veil one day, a pair of caged wrens the next.] Again, sentence just feels a little too long; maybe (And they were invitations, not commands or threats. Each one was accompanied by a gift; an...) [It was on the tip of Aline's tongue] around that area, too, you use her name a lot; in that sentence, you could simply put (her tongue). [This was no private supper but a public banquet!] sounds...odd, I'm not sure why. Maybe (This was no private supper. Instead, she had walked into a private banquet.) or something? It might help the suspense of it, as the ending of the chapter does feel just a little rushed. [It was Hugh. He was there and he looked furious.] The "he was there" feels a bit too much. Maybe just (It was Hugh, looking furious.) It might flow a bit better? I like the direction you're taking this, and I feel you've done a goot job of making the reader feel invested in the characters.

Whaaa? Did he mean second in line to the same throne Aline is up for? If so, I congradulate you on a well executed plot twist.

Anyway, I've read four chapters now, and while this kind of story isn't usually my thing (I'm more into modern stuff), I must say I kind of liked it so far.

The characters are believeable, dailogue, description, and motivation all. I also like the level of detail you put into this. Most authors I know (probably even me) would have had this whole kidnapping venture over and done with by chapter two, but you've elaborated quite nicely on it.

I haven't noticed any grammar or spelling issues either, though considering I'm nowhere near the first to read this that doesn't surprise me too much.

All in all, very well written.

Strong followup chapter to the first.

I found the ease in which the discriptions were laid out, well played. You added some details that many would over look, the little ones, and that makes this piece that much more tangible.

However, I did note a handful of confusing sentences. They weren't truly run on, but their meanings were not clear. Watch out for those. As well, one or two spellings, a letter missing really. But that's all.

A good solid chapter with excellent character interactions as well. I especially liked Aline's reactions; they came across as truthful to what would be expected.

~lazer

This was a lovely chapter! That last scene was heartbreaking-but it's not the end, so I can bear it, even if your characters can't. I must say, though, I'm starting to feel very worried about the continued health of Aline's grandfather-somehow, Stephen's repeated reminders that the marriage will take place in twelve months, or /when the High Lord dies/, do not inspire faith that the old man will live very much longer, even if he has to be helped along a bit. That's an excellent bit of suspense-building.

I was also really intrigued by the brief scene with Lorrimer, and if you go back to revise, I'd suggest expanding it a bit, and perhaps introducing the steward a bit more fully earlier on. Your three main characters are great, but it would deepen the texture of your world to flesh out minor characters a bit more, and Lorrimer would be an excellent choice to start. I'm still curious why the obviously-unstable Stephen is able to rule, and seeing how Lorrimer justifies following him would help.

I liked the way you alternated the hunting scene and the scenes with Aline in this chapter. The shifts in pacing from one section to the next worked really well-there was enough variety to keep things moving along snappily. And I liked seeing the different places around the duke's citadel. The only thing I would have liked was more description of the city itself. Aline presumably hasn't been there before, so it seems as though she would be interested in the sights-or at least feel guilty for not being interested. And this would be a great place to show us concretely the effects of Stephen's bad rule.

Mmmm, great ending!:D But seriously, this was a very polished chapter.

I really liked Hugh's voice in this installment. We really got to know him through his thoughts. I hope you do likewise with Aline.

"The feeling of giving his heart as well as his body to the woman sharing his bed was a revelation." Ha! I bet that's true nowadays, as well! Great line.

I like the way Hugh watches Aline with her people, and sees her strength of leadership. He doesn't seem to shy from it, either.

Your whole ending scene was well-written, and hot!

My only nitpick would be when Aline asks Hugh if he thought she and Godfrey had been lovers. I'm assuming she was a virgin, so Hugh would already know whether they'd "dallied" or not. Perhaps she could instead ask if he thought they had been promised, or betrothed, or had a past. Or maybe she could ask if he was jealous.

As I said, this was a really well-written chapter, with equal amounts of dialogue, narrative, and humor. Can hardly wait for more!

:) you know what up do! Update ASAP!

First I want to commened you on the opening. I loved how you had this musicality to it while at the same time dropping in subtle character traits about Aline. From the paragraph we can see that she's adventurous and some what take charge.

" became young men and blushingly refused" I'm not sure about the word "blushingly". It kind of threw off the flow of the paragrpah (which was wonderful by the way.) I can tell that the young men began to have feelings for her, but maybe you could convey it in another way. Like, "As she grew older, so did the young men. With each archery match, each fencing game, Aline's skills grew, as did her beauty. Until finally the men she faced refused to challenge her, not wanting to lose against one they wished to bed." Or maybe something to that effect?

"Susanne instructed her affectionately" Instead of writing the word "affectionately" show a specific action that allows the reader to connect the maid's feelings for Aline. Ex: "She said as her eyes grew softer."

"Dickon grinned shamefacedly " I'm not sure "shamefacedly" is a word, and if it is, it's a very awkward one. What does "shamefacedly" even look like? I think this would be stronger without the word.

I do like the way you use active descriptions. "A sleeveless dress of fine green linen set off her pale blonde hair and grey eyes perfectly" Instead of simply stating what the object is (i.e. she put on a sleeveless dress) you gave it action, and had it do something to make it stand out. That's an excellent use of active rather than passive.

I love the plot so far, ans how you've given us glimpses of Aline's character (her tenacity, her courage, and her kindness) and the ending (having her be rescued by a stranger) was a great hook for the next chapter.

Very well done :)

I like the strong female role that you press in the reader’s minds right away. For example, right off, you mention, “Aline had vowed to the memory of her family to carry out the role as well as any man might … she had learned diplomacy, law and languages, discovering her intellect was as sharp as any of her fellow pupils; the sons of the councillors and nobles of Leavingham. She had been on horseback since almost before she could walk, but insisted on learning archery and fencing as well…”

Personally, I do sometimes feel that there aren’t enough writers that pull off such a strong figure well. I’m a bit worried that you made her seem so intelligent and strong right off only to have her drugged and molested so easily in the first chapter. It pulled down some of that strength and respect for her, but true strength is overcoming obstacles apparently so as long as she doesn’t end up having to repeatedly be saved like a hapless maiden, I could respect that kind of character.

Now, I dislike that the first paragraph had such easily noticeable repetition in it. Example: “In her mind she was on horseback, galloping through a forest, jumping a hedge, clearing a stream in one leap. In her mind she was dancing into the night, her feet skipping to the beat of the drum, her skirts whirling around.”

You used “In her mind” as the introduction to each sentence right after the other. Instead, start the next paragraph with a slightly different introduction or maybe a semi-colon. Such a noticeable mistake, right in the beginning, can make serious readers weary.

Yet, over all, the style was well done and the beginning had a wonderful cliffhanger which is a great way to keep readers intertwined and stumbling over to the next chapter. The completely black leather was a bit overdone –a little fur never hurt a light-armor get up- but it is a fine beginning for a romance, the story’s intent foreshadowed right away with the mention of blushing fencers and her jealousy to over couples.

I like how the pace is slowed down a bit here, giving time for the reader (and the characters) to rest, almost. Like I've said before, just some lengthy sentences where you could either cut the sentence or add in a comma; so [Even though it was now dark Aline] you could add a comma after 'dark'. [The servant unlocked it leaving the key in the lock then he stepped back to allow Aline into the room.] I would suggest a comma after 'it', dropping the 'then' and replacing it with a period. [The fire had been lit and gave out enough heat to warm the room.] could change to (had been lit, giving out enough heat...) I really liked seeing Duncan again, and finiding out a bit more about his homelife, as well as his relationship to Hugh - it's interesting to see them as more than master and servant, although I didn't get a strong impression of a possible relationship of the sort shown here previously - maybe just add some hints towards it earlier on? Like I said, an interesting chapter and, as always, I'll be back to read on soon.

I thought the pace of this chapter worked very well-so whatever your revisions were, they worked. I liked the explanation of Stephen's hatred, and I think you did a good job of integrating physical action in with the dialogue. That kept the pacing varied in a productive way.

I think that the one problem with this chapter (and it's barely a problem) is that the ending doesn't really provide a big impetus to go into the next chapter. It's good that not every chapter ends in a stratospheric cliffhanger, of course-or suspense itself would become monotonous. But if, as I suspect, the meeting with Stephen is going to go very poorly, I would foreshadow it a bit more in the last section of the chapter. That way, your readers will be left with the picture of Aline cozily curled up against a very dark background of threat.

Stephen's character intrigued me more and more as this chapter went on. There didn't seem any logical reason for him to be so unreasonable and cruel at the banquet, when he seemed almost kind before-so there must be hidden depths of some kind about him that we don't know yet. I think this is excellent. The more complexity you can give to the villain, the better. I also really enjoyed your cliffhanger promise to tell us more about why Stephen hates Hugh so much-wonderful end to the chapter.

I think that the one thing that could add to this chapter is more description of the kind of people at the banquet, and what they think of Stephen. Are they all distasteful toadies and henchmen who know about his plans and approve of them? Are they people to whom Stephen can't show his true character? Are they afraid of Stephen's power, or do they join with him willingly, or do they simply not know what he's up to? A little more detail about the power dynamics in his court would really help flesh out the political situation, and could heighten the tension surrounding Aline's predicament.

Well, damn! First I read the latest *hot* chapter of The Angel Kristoph, and now this one! How's a girl supposed to sleep at night? Guess my husband might become a very happy man...

Seriously...At last! They've consummated their love, and reallyyy well done! I love the picture of their fingers entwining; when they do that in movies it's just...gah! You describe Aline's first time feelings very well. I like that she has no hesitation to be with Hugh; in fact, he's the one. That's always a good thing in a relationship.

I also liked the scene with the councillors, and how Aline stood up for herself as an independent woman. Again, you did an excellent job showing how strong Aline is becoming, and experienced enough to recognize that even her men treat her poorly. Except for Hugh.

I liked the discussion of what Stephen was up to. You had a good grasp of war tactics for those days, and it showed."We have the bridges on both banks under observation..." Sounded very realistic.

I laughed at Hugh's observation: "Aline really had been here...and he had...he had passed out." How mortifying for a man's man!

This whole chapter was wayyy exciting and tantalizing. I enjoyed it immensely. I only have a few suggestions. If you look at the beginning of a lot of the paragraphs in the first half of this chapter, a whole lot of them begin with "He..." On the next edit, try changing them up a bit; perhaps starting with -ing words, or adjectives, and not so many pronouns. Another description just hit me wrong. Hugh wakes up and reaches out for the pillow, and knows Aline is gone and no longer beside him. But then a few sentences down it says he got off the "narrow cot." Just how narrow, and if so, how'd they fit on it? Not really a major fix; just a bit of a contradiction.

Lastly, near the end, when he strides to the bed, the next line says they lay entwined. How'd they get on the bed? Did he lay her down like precious cargo, or did he shot-put her? Don't forget to tell us how they get from place to place.

Great job on all counts. And don't you dare kill him off now!

I really liked the complexity you added to your story by having Stephen behave half-way decently for a change. It heightens the suspense-when will his true, villainous nature show through again? What sort of game is he playing? How much is his cruelty caused by his envy of Hugh, and how much would be there even without his cousin? I think you could go even farther to make Stephen a complicated character. If you give him one genuinely good trait that's not a ruse or a stratagem on his part, his underlying villainy will be even clearer and more compelling.

The one thing I think this chapter needs is a bit more activity on Aline's part. She's trapped in a bad situation-so how does she think about the future? Does she try to make plans for escape, only to realize that they won't work? Does she try to convince herself that Stephen wouldn't be so bad, after all? What does she think her grandfather will do when he gets the letter? I'm still having a bit of a hard time understanding Aline's character and motivations, and I think fleshing her out would help. Other than that, though, this was a really interesting chapter, and I look forward to reading more.

Hello from the Roadhouse!

Really enjoying the developing relationship between Hugh and Aline. I think everything is very realistic, considering how much time they spent together when Hugh was bringing her to Stephen and how she saved his life. I can't tell you how much I loved when he pledged to do anything she wanted, calling himself her champion. It's such a nice change to how he's been acting. I've been cheering him on hoping he'd stand up and try to help her for the longest time, haha!

Also enjoyed the exchange between Hugh and Lorrimer near the beginning. It's nice to know Hugh at least has somewhat of a friend in this world, because up until now, aside from Jack, Hugh has seemed very alone.

Gah, poor Aline. There she is with the man she loves offering to give his life for her, but she has to deny him and push him away to keep him safe. I have to give her credit for this - I don't know if I'd be able to do it. At least she has plenty of time before she has to get married to Stephen. I wonder what he's going to do to keep her from running away after he sends her home.

I really thought Stephen was going to do something bad to her in this chapter. Really liked that comment about using her for her seed until he has a heir - really drives home how cold and ruthless the guy is.

Looking forward to more, and I'm Striving very hard to catch up and be current on this. xD I'm getting close!