Hi again! Told you I’d be back. Your story is definitely my kind. I am totally digging it.

I see part of the picture forming and I am excited. Just want to say your dialog is awesome-sauce, every time somebody talks, I’m thinking, is it going to be cheesy, like some medieval cheese. I have read some original world fiction before and wanted to hit my head on my keyboard. But you! NAIL IT! Seriously.

Only bad thing I have to say is I see a few typos and sometimes you get quite choppy.

In spite of that, it’s a given, I’m reading more.

Keep up the good work!

Hi there! :D Before you read on, keep in mind, these are my opinions, and this is your writing. And as a member of FP for many years I believe we are all on here to grow as writers, and what better way to grow than have other people read and critique your work. I admit I am no expert, and I don't not in any way feel my writing is superior to yours. Please do not interpret my tone as hostile or sarcastic. I am here for the same reasons you are...

I agree with Devil's Playground, those first two sentences just don't fit right. It is a set of two beautifully written sentences, but there is a grammar lesson in there, I ain’t so good with the grammar.

***In reality Aline of Leavingham was drumming her fingers and shifting in her seat as her maid moved around, brushing and twisting her hair. She had been looking forward to this morning with her ride planned all week, knowing such a chance might not come again before the weather turned colder.

Even though I ain't so good with the grammar, I do know these are two run-on sentences. I'm still really digging what you're putting down.

****She had been only fourteen when her much loved father and brother had succumbed to a violent influenza leaving no male to carry on the line.

"a violent influenza"- for some reason that wording seems awkward to me. maybe add the word 'epidemic'?

****"We have had another suit for your hand," he smiled, "from the Count of Mullan on behalf of his son."

****"The Viscount of Mullan is twelve years old! What does my grandfather say?" she asked.

Now I may be oblivious to the noble class system, but why do you call him Count then Viscount?

Why is Aline pissed at the chamberlain, and then kisses him?

****She shook her head, chiding herself for allowing such melancholy introspection to overshadow the lovely day.

A little too much there with the word 'introspection'.

****After a strenuous morning of races the riders stopped for lunch

Insert comma after 'races'

****Dickon refilled Aline's goblet once more and she lay back in the warm heather and stared upwards sleepily,

You used the word 'heather' a couple sentences ago, seems too soon to use it again.

I did enjoy the last part in which Dickon explains exactly what is going to happen, it was clever and entertaining.

Overall, and do remember I am on the 1st chapter, I enjoyed it. Your vocabulary usage could be turned down a notch, but I do think it is very well written, quite pretty language. You have grabbed me as a reader and I plan on reading more.

hello from the RG!

I like the way your opening descriptions make the reader feel as if they are in the moment, only becoming aware of things as Aline is made aware of them.

Often with historical pieces the attempt at creating authenticity can distance us from the characters because it makes them lack visible emotions. You have managed to avoid this peril, I think through the vividness of your description, particularly with the action scenes, and subtle touches in your dialogue.

"I need to…umm, I have to…the woods." - hehe, nice wording ;-) and adding humour is a good way of achieving this link to the characters of the past.

I liked getting more background on Hugh-although I was a little taken aback by the age difference between him and Aline. Isn't she only eighteen or twenty? And now I'm very curious why he is so loyal to his cousin, given that even he characterizes the relationship as "being of use to him". He's an honorable man, yes-but what makes him that way? Is he following the example of a parent-figure? Reacting against a case of treachery he once experienced? Not sure what else he is, if he isn't slotted neatly into a hierarchy?

I also think that you could do a lot more with Duncan. Right now he's a fairly generic old-loyal-retainer figure, and he doesn't seem to be doing much more than voicing thoughts that Hugh doesn't want to let himself entertain. Surely there's more to him than that? I especially disliked the sentence "Duncan was the first to look away...the woman he could not yet admit to himself that he cared to." It's already abundantly clear to the readers that Hugh cares for Aline; we don't need Duncan to tell us that he does in such a blunt way. It also seems a bit heavy-handed when Duncan asks, "When are you going to start standing up for what you believe in?" Again, your readers already know the crux of Hugh's dilemma; when Duncan sets it out like this, it sounds like the narrator is talking through him, rather than a faithful soldier who knew Hugh as a young man finding his own words to nudge his lord along. When you revise, think a little bit about what makes Duncan tick. Why is he, in his turn, so loyal? Why is he so invested in Hugh taking power? Is his relationship with Hugh more paternal, avuncular, brotherly, servile, or something else? Which of Hugh's faults does he see, and which does he most readily forgive? Which of Stephen's crimes against the province does he find hardest to bear? I think that thinking through some of these questions will help you flesh Duncan out, and so bring more complexity to this story.

From RH

"I, I'm sorry, that was uncalled for," she said but he turned and walked off without a word. [Edit: I think this should be part of the paragraph above it because it's still Aline's dialogue and a new person hasn't spoken yet.]

"Get back inside" the captain ordered Aline... [Typo, needs comma after "inside"]

"Throw it the bloody rabbit," he shouted... [Style: this dialogue read awkward to me. I'm not sure what it means...or if maybe there should be a comma after "it", or if "it" should be omitted. Just didn't sit right in my head, but I think he just meant "throw the rabbit" haha.]

Okay hey, I remember this wound that Sir Hugh receives and reading later chapters. It's really nice to be able to read this consistently instead of requested chapters, I'm finally making the connections. I was a bit afraid, though, that I would lose the sense of what's happening since I'm used to jumping around so often, but I was happy to find that I got into the story wonderfully.

You have a way with transition, too. Like when you go from scene to scene with the characters, you're not afraid to transition with the detailing of making a meal or the process of how something is made or taken care of, and I like that attention to some of that detail, it works really well.

Transitioned well from the last chapter, too! I lucked out, because Ch. 4 was the last chapter I had reviewed, so this was easy to follow and remember about the reveal of her captor being Sir Hugh. I liked how you carried over that surprise and worked it in, especially because he seemed a bit unfazed by her knowledge.

Also, should mention the sexual tension in this chapter! I could really feel it between these two. I'm hoping these two our our mains for the romance, I can't be certain with Sir Hugh because I remember some stuff happening later where Aline is forced to marry someone else or...ah, I should just be patient to remember, XD. But anyway, I hope it's between this two because I can slowly see you work with that to make it believable from this big captive theme of prisoner and master. I was wondering how you would slowly begin to transition Hugh into a sympathetic character and I'm glad to see that at work here.

Overall it feels great to get these back stories to later chapters I've looked at, and I'm glad to find consistency and grounding in each read!

I really like how you're developing Stephen's character, because I think the way he treats Aline and speaks about her really turns him into this loathsome snake. I find myself despising him, and I couldn't help but mentally cheer to myself when Hugh got up and almost wrung his neck. But at the same time I knew it was a bad idea, because now Hugh is pretty much banished from the castle and he can't keep watch over Aline. But, then again, now that he's out of sight of her, I think he may start to plot usurping his cousin. Stephen should've been smarted and locked Hugh up as well if he doesn't trust him - I have a feeling this decision is going to come back to bite him in the ass. ;)

At least, a girl can only hope.

I like how Aline feel better after eating her food and having a nice bath. After all that crap she's been through, I can definitely see food and a bath making it all melt away and disappear. Sometimes it's the simple things in life that help us get away and escape the filth around us.

For a moment I thought they didn't give her clothes because Stephen was going to pay her a visit in the middle of the night, but I'm glad that wasn't the case. However, from the way he speaks to Hugh, I have a feeling he's going to be making his move on her pretty soon, and it's some good foreshadowing on your part to include that in their conversation.

I did notice some commas missing after introductory clauses (like before she or he), so it did make the sentences somewhat blur together and have an awkward flow. But a quick edit through will definitely fix that, and it wasn't too jarring to effect my enjoyment.

Good job, I'm looking forward to reading more! I want to see Hugh beat the snot out of Stephen. :D

I have to admit the first part of this chapter was rather slow starting. You gave just enough to keep me reading about this most unusual woman. The ending was rather action packed comparitively- a very nice hook for the story. The ending alone will keep me reading this.

I was glad that the jerk was stopped before he could deflower Aline, and I hope that in the end karma will get him what he deserves.

I have to admit that knowing this is a romance, I already guess that Aline will fall for her savior which is likely the duke's son. I do hope that as I read this more I find it doesn't follow the standard romance swings, but even if it does you have created an interesting setting.

I look forward to reading more!

Relax, he'll pick up on your fear," the captain... [Edit: missing the first quotation, typo]

"So what are you scared of?" the captain asked, [Edit: typo, period instead of comma after "asked"]

"...trying to be discreet and you go buying her a DRESS?" [Style: instead of capitalizing, would instead just italicize]

I think you did a really good job leading up to the "surprise" twist at the end. It was easy to follow and understand and also very clear and clever. I like a story with twists!

I liked the dress that Jack gave Aline, that was kind and it showed a lot about his character and also her own, so it was good to see that development unfolding. I don't know if Jack will end up being anything more than a minor character, but I think you did a good job with what his values are and how he treats "prisoners". It kind of shows that deep down he's a good guy.

Liked the scene on the horse with Aline too, and the Captain "Sir Hugh"-did a good job with the dialogue there. The men all seem to think Aline is acting weirdly towards them even though she's the one kidnapped, haha, so I loved that!

Enjoyed this chapter, it was clear and concise and I really got into the characters and the narration!

I thought that the shift from Hugh's point of view to Aline's at the beginning of this chapter was very well done (although I think the italics are unnecessary). I think I mentioned in an earlier chapter that I didn't like when you shifted from one to the other for just one sentence, but the chunk in Hugh's point of view here was long enough and important enough that it worked really well.

I would have liked, however, a little more of Aline's emotions. I loved the description of her standing with the reloaded crossbow-that perfectly captured her state just after she shot the wolf. But did she surprise herself by shooting the wolf? Is hunting an ordinary thing for her to do? Does she feel an aftershock when the terror of facing the wolf catches up to her, or is she cool and calm throughout? What does she feel when she sends the second shot near Hugh's head? She "had the satisfaction of seeing him jerk"-is it a playful satisfaction, like you would feel if you played a practical joke on your brother, or a vindictive one, like you would feel if an enemy fell into a pit? Just a little more about the interior lives of your characters would embroider this story in a satisfying way.

Now that's just not fair! How long are we going to have to wait until we find out who came through her door? My money's on Hugh, and he'd better not squander his time with her this time!

Loved your writing style this chapter. I liked the way you had one section from Aline's pov, and the other from Hugh's. I liked how he started out thinking how to get through the day. Very smartly done.

The chapter had a lot more balance between dialogue and exposition; it never dragged. Glad to see Aline fighting back.

I really want to read the next chapter, so you'd better get crackin'! :)

Woooooahhh. Intense. Did not see that coming. So glad Aline's fighting back!

I liked the cliffhanger at the end of this chapter. It's always nice when the tone of a chapter changes in a surprising but satisfying way, and your shift from romantic tension to danger was nicely done.

Because I like it when people give me a lot of constructive criticism, however, I'm going to turn around and give you a couple of things to think about when you revise. The most jarring thing for me in this chapter was that I wasn't sure where to situate your vaguely mediaeval setting. Most of the ordinary conventions are there, but that a lady could marry a steward without repercussions-and even have her child considered for years as heir to the dukedom-was jarring. It points to a society where class consciousness is so different from what it was in our mediaeval ages that I don't know what else is different-I can no longer expect things to follow the ordinary conventions. Similarly, the moment where everyone took a bath together was jarring-wouldn't the men at least have offered to give Aline the pseudo-privacy of going behind a few rocks as she washed?

The next quibble that I have is that you give us the whole story of Hugh and his cousin in indirect dialogue. I think that some of this is fine, if a little dull, but you could really do more with the sentences from "Despite being young and intelligent..." on. The way that you phrase these lines, it seems like common knowledge that he is disliked-but we as readers (and Aline, presumably) are only learning this through Duncan. It seems to me that he would speak in more veiled terms-if nothing else, because he doesn't know who Aline will talk to once they get to the city. I think the energy of this chapter would benefit if you let us hear Duncan speak in his own words at this point, and perhaps give him some specific reasons, from the point of view of an old soldier, why Rufus is disliked.

Hello again!

Noticed quite a few comma errors (no comma when it was needed or a comma when it wasn't needed). Not sure why, but errors like that always jump out at me. For example: "Hugh's mother and Stephen's father, the previous duke were brother and sister," - you need a comma after duke.

I like how you describe Aline's discomfort with her clothes, yet she still tries to be proper. I was glad to see she wasn't tearing off all her clothes and just walking around in a shift. Seeing her in such a predicament and still trying to hold onto her breeding and etiquette is refreshing.

Again, the main thing I'd point out is to watch out for lnegthy sentences. This one; [The journey was much faster now with fresh horses and a lighter vehicle and the carriage raced along.] you could change around a bit, cut some out, maybe (With fresh horses and a lighter vehicle, the jouney was much faster.) With the sentence starting with 'He had found a woollen cloak...' you could drop the 'and' and split it into two sentences. Same for a lot of instances; there are places where it would flow better if you cut the sentence and dropped the and. [she retorted.] I don't think you need that; 'retorted' has always seemed slightly odd to me, it doesn't really add anything and I'd say that it's obvious enough that she's speaking. ["Are you still here Cousin?"] should be a comma before 'cousin'. I really liked the part where he's about to leave her in the cell; with the comparison between stronger and weaker men. it works really well. Overall, I'm really interested to see what happens now she's there, and how they're going to get through this. Good job.

I really like your writing style; it's very original. I also liked your ability to project feelings in a third-person manner, due to its wonderful mix of the effects of first-person, and the appearance of third-person.