Reviews for Honour of the Heart |
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Dreamers-Requiem chapter 2 . 7/31/2011 I think you need to make it just a little clearer near the start that, 1. the boy wasn't the person who saved her at the end of the last chapter and 2. she has, in fact, been captured. I was a bit confused at the start, there. Anyway, other than that I feel that this chapter is stronger than the last one, maybe because I don't feel as over-loaded with information. I think you described the feeling of being drugged quite well, and I like how you still include the 'after-effects' - I feel that sometimes, authors make their characters recover a bit too quickly from something like that. The two captors she's with at the start don't seem too bad; they just seem like they're doing a job, and I quite like that. It creates an almost 'grey' area; they're not good, but they're not evil, either. Overall, I enjoyed that chapter, and I think you wrote the action scenes quite well. Just some grammar you might want to polish, but I think others have pointed that out before. Keep it up |
limbolical chapter 9 . 7/27/2011 Thanks for a great story - a rare thing indeed! |
Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 7/24/2011 I would suggest that you maybe cut some of the paragraphs in half here; they're a bit too long, and on screen it could put some readers off. Some of the sentences can be a bit too wordy, too; try using commas or changing the wording/cutting the sentences; it'll really help with the flow. [As well as the customary skills expected of a young woman she had learned diplomacy and law, languages and philosophy and discovered her intellect was as sharp as any of her fellow pupils, the sons of the councillors and nobles of Leavingham. Her abilities as a horsewoman had never been in question but to the surprise of everyone she revealed unexpected talents as an archer and fencer until the boys she learned with became young men and blushingly refused to engage her in close fighting.] I like the story as a whole, and the plot seems interesting, however that part, I have to admit, made me cringe; it makes her seem too perfect. I understand that she would be educated in these areas but can't there be one or two that she doesn't excel at? Good cliffhanger at the end, and I'll be reading more soon. Keep it up. -from The Roadhouse |
Alazar-Ramir chapter 5 . 7/21/2011 Well one good point is that this story kept me reading till the last available chapter. The flow was just right. Not too rushed or slow. Liking the build-up between ALine and Hugh. You feel the frustration of Hugh standing back (you feel like you want to slap him to do something!) and at the same time you feel curious because Stephen must have something up his sleeve to keep Hugh so obedient (Tho I could be wrong about this) I'm curious to see if there will be a chapter with a direct view of Aline's grandfather's reaction towards the kidnapping/demands. Other than the above, i cannot say much more. I have truly enjoyed it so far. Below i spotted some more gremlins for your benefit. Though many had expected Duke Rufus - (Chp 5) Its a dialogue but without the " I initially mistook it for a paragraph with the wrong tense. what a stupidl way to die - (obvious once you see it :) ) He started out of the window - think you meant stared. on her tiptoes to try peer through the grille in the door - not sure if you are missing a) AND peer or b) peerING She was the source Leavingham's fall so life as the consort - tiny one, source OF Keep up the good work. :) |
Alazar-Ramir chapter 3 . 7/21/2011 This review coveres chapter 3 & 4. the way you handle the "relationship" between Aline and Sir Hugh is excellent. You mix in Aline's hatred as well as her admiration nicely, never overcompensating with one or the other. You also give a good impression of Hugh, as if he were the roguish gentlemen. Like a bad boy with morals and manners. When I read the part about the manacles, I was having trouble visualizing it. Not because it wasn't clear but more because I pictured extreme discomfort. For instance, since they were secured to her wrists around a tree trunk, I pictured that it would be quite hard to lie down and attempt to sleep. A suggestion, that would allow you to maintain the scene with very minimal changes, is perhaps to change the tree to the wagon's wheel spokes? That way, less chain is required, giving her more space to move around. She'd definitely be close to the fire and the group; and since the spokes would be narrow but firm, it would make it easy for her to get into a sleeping position. A couple of grammar gremlins below for you: and tried to violate but you care why he died - think you need a YOU after violate. Relax, he'll pick up on the fear" - just needs a " at the start. By the way, nice little twist at the end of chapter 4. |
Jinebiebe chapter 9 . 7/20/2011 Very good story overall. You have a strong plot, setting, characters, and a very solid writing style. You do a very good job at moving through the story smoothly. It’s very easy for me to get into the story and become emotionally invested into the characters. I love medieval setting stories, but they are very hard to write in because you have to make sure that you keep the feel of that time period constant and make sure that everything is historically correct. You do a very good job at that. Your writing style in descriptive scenes if very traditional, but not boring. I don’t find myself skipping the description to get to the parts that I like to read. I have one main thing about your dialogue/story structure and that’s the switch in point of view. I don’t mind a switch in point of view, but you switch in odd places and it’s a little all over the place. You clearly make sense and I don’t get confused, but it is hard for my brain to switch point of views so suddenly. A example would be at the end of Chapter 3 and then from then you increase the switching of the point of view. In the most recent chapters it’s not so odd because you spend a longer period of time in that point of view. You can probably start dedicating a whole chapter in either Aline or Hugh’s point of view and switch off like that. You know what would be really interesting if you did a chapter in Duke Stephen's point of view. Your punctuation is pretty good, but there are some slip ups here and there. My suggestion would be to skim through the chapters over again and see if you can catch them. If you do and don’t see them, I will happily read the chapters over again and point them out in a pm. I don’t want to waste too many characters at telling you where exactly they are now because I have other things to point out. They’re all small mistakes, not major ones. I’m horrible with punctuation of my own work and never see what my readers see, so I always ask someone else to edit my work after I read it over. Usually I hate present tense, but I do like that you switch to it and the italics for the dream in chapter 9. It separates it enough from the rest of the story that you don’t get confused as to what is happening. I would also like to point out the action scene with the wolf. That is another thing that I enjoyed. Your action writing is very clear and simple. I tend to get lost in action scenes when they’re too complicating. I’m personally not too picky in plotlines just because it’s hard to write a completely original story. So far your story is not that original, but it is a popular type of story and people like reading these kinds of things (including myself). So, you did a good job at picking a plotline that will never get old and they’re also really fun to write. I did think it was a good touch in plot twist in the end of Chapter 4. I was expecting Hugh to not be what he said he was, but I wasn’t expecting him to be the cousin of Duke. I thought for sure he was the Duke, so good job on that little twist. Character development is my favorite thing to write about. I love how characters change throughout the story and what type of person they come out be in the end. Again, not very original on character personalities, but they are strong and people like to read about a defiant girl and deceptively soft man. You do that very well. The “subtle” hints of their attraction in Chapter 3 and how they grow throughout the next chapters is predictable, but fun to read. Great thing about writing with these types of characters is that you can be predictable and people love it anyway and, again, fun to write. Aline and Hugh are very strong individuals and they don’t fade into the background which is essential for main characters. I love the connection between Aline and Hugh. I look forward to seeing their characters develop and I’m also interested in seeing if you will keep Duke Stephen the tyrant he is or will you change his character as well. It’s always the ultimate character development when a horrible person changes by the end of the story and evolves into something you thought was not capable. Like I stated, good solid story and I look forward to reading more. This type of romance story always get me hooked. |
Preston2099 chapter 1 . 7/20/2011 Your word choice is spectacular, and I particularly like how the diaolgue is sort of 'scripted', deff. going to head into the next several chapters when I get the time! |
InkedSoul chapter 6 . 7/19/2011 Wow. This story cannot be put into words. Usually I'm partial towards reading stories from the middle because I feel wouldn't know what was going on but that wasn't the case here. Although I don't know exactly why Sir Hugh is trying to arrest Aline because I didn't read the first chapter, that wasn't a huge problem for me throughout the story. I love your characters and your description was impeccable. The storyline is brilliant and you end each chapter by leaving readers debating over what will happen next. I love that you didn't make Aline the type of girl that just frolics around in a dress and doesn't do anything but listen to what the men say. She's independent and hard-working and even better than the men! She was the one that saved Sir Hug's life while Jack was off in the corner whimpering like a child. I really admire her character and her demeanor. And obviously so does Sir Hugh! You have a nice way of subtly suggesting their romantic interest in each other, whether its through dialogue or when one is staring at the other without them knowing. I would love to see their love interest blossom as the story progresses, so much so that Sir Hugh doesn't turn in Aline. So far though, I think I've only seen Hugh falling for Aline, not vice versa. But we'll see, I guess. Anyway, I don't recall seeing any errors in chapter 5 but chapter 6 had numerous errors so you might want to go back and re-read it. It was small things like a missing comma or occasional spelling mistake, nothing I would worry about too much. I really would love to see what happens next. The story is progressing at a nice pace. Keep up the good work! ~Idare ~Repaying review |
cerebral1 chapter 9 . 7/19/2011 This chapter was extremely well-written, especially the first paragraph and the dream sequence. I could see Hugh in the pub with the bottles in front of him. I liked the sentence "After reading the same document three times...he stormed off into the citadel to find something..." Descriptive but not too lengthy.I liked the image of him holding Aline's necklace and rubbing it. I agree with another reviewer; I at first misunderstood that she fell asleep twice, but that's minor.I also thought the serving wench had left already, but then he pushed her away later. The best, chilling line is the very last, when you so sinisterly describe Stephen laughing "wildly." A great hint at his mental instability. Awesome job! |
aquaerae chapter 9 . 7/19/2011 yayayay this story is amazing! and great chapter too! one thing for this ch: the part when she falls asleep for the 2nd time in her cell it's kinda confusing because she wakes up, but then you talk about how she fell asleep, but then got back to talking about how she was woken up but seriously great job! you really know how to do the whole kinda angsty/kinda frustrated/romantic tension thing with Aline and Hugh (sorry I can't explain it better lol) |
Alazar-Ramir chapter 1 . 7/19/2011 I couldn't review the last chapter without starting from the beginning first, so this review accounts for the first two chapters I like the fact that from the beginning there isn't an overwhelming sense of predictability - like you know what is going to happen; who the hero is going to be; who the love interest is... so on. There are assumptions - which is good, as its always nice to have your mind attempt to piece things together to either be proven right or wrong. I cannot think of anything I didn't enjoy, however there is one thing which I say as a suggestion if anything else. Considering Aline's importance, with her going to travel alone would it not be better to maybe at least have her maid to express some concern as well? Other than that I have nothing more. Did notice a tiny grammatical error in the following line in CHapter 2: If only she could find reach a village she would be safe. The Find/Reach one of them is extra. I look forward to reading more. Regards and good work. |
Hikari897 chapter 9 . 7/19/2011 Everything is written very well, it flows easily and nothing is skipped or underly described. One flaw in this, particularly in the first few chapters,is the very large amount of description toward characters appearances, and other such things. Less would be fine, and it would save time when it comes to typing the story. |
MistressBlack852 chapter 9 . 7/18/2011 absolutely love the way this is going! your pacing is really good in this story as well as developing your characters. i really like that hugh and aline are slowly developing feelings for each other and aren't 'madly in love' after only a couple of days together. i can't wait to read what happens! |
lookingwest chapter 8 . 7/16/2011 The captain had woken as the carriage came to a halt... -Style: I think this is what's known as an example of "passive voice", which one should try avoiding as much as possible, but at any rate, I think the sentence would start stronger by omitting "had" since here it's really an unneeded word, and then change "woken" to "woke" Before Aline could answer him the door to the carriage was opened. -Style: "was" is unneeded "Welcome to Roxholm, Lady Aline," he bowed deeply, a half smile playing on his lips "I hope your..." -Edit: there either needs to be a comma or a period after "lips" Poor Aline! I liked the ending when you had her sort of pleading to Hughs because of the characterization you added to him, especially the lines about a strong and weak man, and how he did something different than expected. I wasn't positive he would leave her down there so that was a change. I also liked the conversation with the duke because it was filled with a lot of tension and the point with the High Lord and Aline's defiance really added to that scene. I'm glad she stood up to him and is trying her best given the circumstances. So far you're creating a scene very well! |
Javajive chapter 8 . 7/13/2011 From the review game. I know other reviewers have mentioned this, your descriptives. You paint the images beautifully and make it easy for the reader to picture the scenery which in this genre of story is a vital part of setting the mood. As with the arrival to the citadel which you chose to set against evening, describing narrow, winding streets and blazing torches. Very effective in building up for Aline's increased apprehension. Same thing later with the staircase leading down to the dungeons. Small things: "Lady Aline," he said, "I will accompany you until you meet my lord but I doubt I will be permitted to stay so please take my advice:" - A comma would sit well here, breaking up this sentence: "I doubt I will be permitted to stay, so please take my advice" I am glad to have finally been introduced to your main antagonist and look forward to getting to know him further in the chapters to come. I liked the fact that you made him the "better looking" man, if that makes sense. It's easy to make the bad guy, through and through unattractive, but you didn't here. Just as in the first chapter you let the handsome groom be the villain. - Java |