ah so the truth comes out! i like that you mention how aline is wary of contact, heavens know how many stories omit that little reaction that happens. i also like how the men soften up to her as it unusual for them not to.

I think the story's flow is really good. You're not rushing with any possible romance and your characters are still in character. Aline doesn't completely lose her distrust of the Captain. That was a nice twist at the end. I wouldn't have guessed he was second in line to the thrown.

Even though the stories focus is on Aline and the Captain, I think you should include a little more of Jack and Ducan. It'll give the whole journey a little more roundness to it.

Good job can't wait for the next chapter!

...of her hair coming loose so had asked for it to be...

-Style: instead "...of her hair coming loose, [so she asked] for it to be..."

...looped into a roll which she...

-Style: "...looped into a roll[,] which she..."

Now however she was starting...

-Edit: "however" should always have commas around it as such: "Now[,] however[,] she was starting..."

...Susanne, her nurse and then maid since childhood would not let...

-Edit: separate clauses with commas: "...Susanne, her nurse and then maid since childhood[,] would not let..."

She had been only fourteen...

-Style: would start new paragraph here, subject change

Then against all convention the grieving High Lord had named his granddaughter...

-Style: would start new paragraph here, subject change

-Edit: "Then[,] against all convention[,] the grieving..."

-Style: omit "had"

Since that day nine years ago...

-Style: would start new paragraph, subject change

"...half the day please." Susanne instructed her affectionately.

-Edit: never end your dialogue in a period if you have a speaker tag following it like this, it stilts the dialogue and makes the speaker tag look like it stands on it's own, ruining flow. Should always be: "...half the day please[,]" Susanne instructed...

Instead of Robert her usual groom it appeared that today she...

-Style: can begin new paragraph here, subject change in character focus

-Edit: separate your clauses with commas: "Instead of Robert[,] her usual groom[,] it appeared..."

-Style: can omit "that"

He was a good horseman and younger...

-Edit: would put comma after "horseman"

That combined with dark brown eyes, thick blonde hair...

-Edit: the feminine french spelling that you're using for "blonde" should be "blond" without the "e" when addressing it to a man. If you use US spelling, you can just refer to women with "blond" and men, but just make sure that if you describe women with the "e" you use the correct spelling for it with the men as well, for consistency sake in language use

Musing on this turned Aline's mind once again...

-Edit: would begin new paragraph here, subject change

At twenty-three when most of her...

-Edit: would put comma after "twenty-three"

The few romances she had experienced...

-Edit: can omit "had"

She had caught the whispered...

-Edit: same as above

After a strenuous morning of races they stopped for lunch...

-Edit: insert comma after "races"

Aline was surprised at how far...

-Style: could change "at" to "by"

Now as she dismounted she felt a vague stirring...

-Edit: insert comma after "dismounted"

Whilst she tethered the horses to a tree, affectionately scratching them behind the ears Dickon had unloaded a pannier...

-Edit: needs comma after "ears"

-Edit: would omit "had"

The day was unexpectedly warm given that the year...

-Edit: could omit "that"

Dickon refilled Aline's goblet once more and Aline lay back...

-Edit: insert comma after "more"

"It didn't taste strange in the slightest did it My Lady." he said.

-Edit: again, never put a period where there is dialogue followed by a speaker tag like this, it's grammatically incorrect. Should be a comma instead of a period after "My Lady"

I felt that the narration of this was very straight forward without much pause to description and vivid language, there was definitely a lot of back-story here that maybe could be thrown throughout the story instead of all at once, and I felt it difficult with pacing because of the large unneeded paragraphs in the beginning half of this opening chapter. An opening chapter should usually grab the reader and pull them into a story, but I didn't feel that attention-grabbing moment until the very end, instead of the beginning, make it hard to get into at first. The writing style could also be a tad less wordy when needed. I did like that it picked up in the end though, because it quickened the pace and made it easier obviously for me to get what was happening in Chapter three. The end did feel a tad be rushed where the beginning dragged, so I feel ultimately there's a bit of un-evenness here as far as pacing in this first chapter. Overall though, glad I got a chance to straighten myself out on what was happening in Chapter three, and who the characters were.

I'm liking where you're going with this. You can relate with Aline's hostility and discomfort. You didn't get too wordy with descriptions and it played out nicely.

Something to watch out for- some apostrophes were in the wrong places and you're missing a 'you' in this sentence, "He betrayed you and tried to violate but you care why he died?"

Other than that good job with this chapter and keep dishing out the awesomeness :D

["I think it is important we reach an understanding which will make the journey more pleasurable for everyone. The situation is this: a message was sent back with your horse and the body of your groom who I'm sure you have guessed was the one who betrayed you. It states very clearly that the High Lord must take no action until he receives further communication or you will forfeit your life. So while I commend you on your ingenuity in leaving this," he opened his fist to reveal her necklace and let the chain dangle between his gloved fingers, "there was little point.]

["You said a message was sent with the body of my groom. Did you kill him? I want to know why."] Who is speaking here?

Disregard this, if it not be the case buut if the main character Aline, had just been betrayed by her broom, would she not be a little bit more worried? Her calmness seems a little bit unrealistic to me, and her noticing how handsome Hugh is. Even if she didn't like her groom, I'd imagined she'd be feeling at least some bit of relief.

I find Hughs characterization to be a little bit awkward. I'm not sure what you are going for, however, in the beginning he comes off as formal, but then towards the middle it seems like he'd a jerk. Perhaps you could make it a little bit more clear?

Also, Aline seems to switch quite a bit. I'm not sure what's she going through from an emotional standpoint, but she seems to switch from thinking the captain is handsome to thinking he's a jerk...

Either way, I like how you are consistent with your dialogue. It makes the story seems more realistic.

I didn't like how you have such big blocks of text in this chapter. I clicked on the link to read the story and initially the chunks of text were a turn off. I'd recommend breaking them up into smaller pieces somehow.

Also I felt like there was a lot of telling in this chapter. It would help the chapter be more dynamic if you were to actually show what was happening rather than what Aline thinks of it.

I did though like the cliffhanger at the end. It draws the reader in.

So the captain is the enemy and her savior. you've fleshed him out well, he seems to have a noble streak when it comes to women even if they are captives. i like that youve put a twist on an old story. the mysterious stranger cliche has been one upped. also i'm very fond of the fact that aline while she does recognize that she needs to leave recognizes that the captain is not all bad. shes smart.

this is beautifully done. I have to say i like how you explain society back thenso thoroughly and completely especially for those of us not completely sure of the times. i like Aline's plucky nature and I notice she's quite a strong character but it's nice that we see her vulnerable side. I'm very curious about the mysterious stranger.

Having not read the previous two chapters, I think I got the gist of this pretty quickly-bride captured before the wedding, groom dead...I liked how I could still get a sense of what was happening despite missing introductions of Aline, and her narrative remained quite clear throughout, because it attributed to better focus on the characters and development besides wondering what's happening. The writing style was great for this, and I thought it was balanced well with description of both the setting and other characters.

I almost wanted a bit more out of Aline as far as her own inner thoughts about the situation because it might heighten a sense of panic, and I wasn't really getting that from her. Instead I felt like she was almost a bit amused by the situation, if not more annoyed than anything else. But then I also think you conveyed most of the important questions through her dialogue, which was also a great device-I especially liked when she asked about the death of the groom and mentioned she didn't care either way but just wanted to know what happened, that was a great feisty moment!

Overall a solid chapter with a clear narrative, the writing is easy to get into, and I enjoyed seeing the situation unfold for Aline right as Hugh of Eardhman introduced himself, everything remained on a realistic level and so far sticks true to the adventure genre!

I really enjoyed reading this. You do an excellent job of describing your characters and giving the reader a vivid visual of time and place. The reluctant attraction between Aline and her captor is palpable. You're obviously show great potential and talent as a writer. My only gripe is some of the grammar issues I came across while reading. Easy fixes in my opinion, but if not addressed, they can be very distracting to the reader.

Wow! Great chapter! Love your description of the captain and how he was sharpening the dagger; I could see it in my mind. Also the line, "...I'll truss you like a chicken..." Great job1 Hurry up and write more!

majorly excited to see how this story turns out! D

Good Job! I like your story so far. As a couple people have commented before me, grammar is an imperative start towards good reading material. I really like your characterization of Aline, but I personally am never too full of more description. For example, what did she look like? Was she pretty; ugly? Who are her parents? I know this is only the second chapter, but if you keep your audience in the dark for too long, it gets confusing. Your writing style seems very intelligent, if you know what I mean. A lot of people can have all the grammar and still suck at writing. The mysteriousness of the man in black (I'm assuming is the Duke?) really propels me into wanting to keep reading. You did really well!

One downer though: I think the whole kidnapping thing was sort of abrupt. I know it's always good to spring right into the action but we've hardly met the girl. The whole almost-rape was descriptive, but I think it could have delved deeper into Dickon, who he was, and why she felt so betrayed. Just a thought. I will continue reading your story, well done!

this is sooooo good! I love your character of aline, and that she's neither too vulnerable or too independant. update soon pleaseeee! D

When you mentioned the boy who looked no older than eighteen, I was wondering how old Aline is? Have we been told and I didn't notice?

I notice that you have some really long sentences without any commas that could really use some. Like this one: With every moment meaning the difference between freedom and recapture she moved as quietly as possible making her way in the direction they had come from keeping the track in sight.

This sentence is really difficult to read without punctuation. Try: With every moment meaning the difference between freedom and recapture, she moved as quietly as possible, making her way in the direction they had come from while keeping the track in sight.

Maybe look at punctuation guidelines again and go over it? I think it would be a shame to let your writing be broken up by something that can be fixed so easily. Especially since I like your story. It's a very nice read aside from that little issue.

I admit that I was a bit confused when you suddently switched from a personal narrator to an omniscient one in this chapter. (Though that's probably not something I would have noticed if I wasn't so used to looking for it.)

Other than that, I like this chapter even better than the last one. You managed to keep the tension all the way through and I find your main character and her troubles very real and relatable. I'll be looking forward to an update, I think you got something here. :)