This chapter was really impressive, now that we finally get to meet Duke Stephen. I can certainly understand how Aline finds it repulsive to marry him and refuses - however, that big temper she's got isn't going to help her in any way.

Mr. Stephen sounds mostly like a power-hungry fool who will only be happy when he's got power over everyone, when everyone will become his servants. I must say he's got a clever plan, though.

I'm eager to find out what's been happening at Aline's home in the meanwhile. Are they already starting to look for Aline? I'm sure that they've caught on Aline being kidnapped. I do hope they've sent out soldiers to look for her, and find her.

I really liked your ending and how Hugh is torn apart between his love for Aline and his loyalty to his cousin. He obviously loves her, and she loves him, but it just doesn't work thanks to the circumstances, and that stupid duke.

Now, the story's really starting, right? I just can't wait to find out what Hugh will do :) Keep writing!

(Could you please review I Never for me in return? Thank you)

Thanks for the review on my story!

Now I can't say I'm in any way an experienced reviewer but I'll try my best.

You obviously have written a lot, you use words well, and I really like many of the word choices you used while describing things. I don't know if I can put this to words properly but the language stays on its style and era, which is often a problem to me if I'm trying to write something "historical"/something that happens in the past. Often the word choices tend to turn too modern etc. but not in your text, and that's something I really value. It really holds together.

For now I only read the first chapter. The ending was very unexpected since it was still only the first chapter, though I guess that if I read the story further it would come together better.

(I have to say that if there's some weird word choices or mistakes etc. on my text I'm sorry. I'm not a native english speaker so I tend to make mistakes.)

Pretty much similar things to what I've said before - be careful of using names too much, and of sentences being too long or awkward. Things like [The pointed metal pierced Hugh's skin and he winced] come across, because of the 'and', as just a little weak. Maybe just have (The pointed metal pierced Hugh's skin. He winced, before shifting into a more comfortable posistion. The physciian gave a disapproving tut and continued...) etc.

["Aline, it's me, Hugh."

He wrapped his arms tightly about her struggling frame, "You're safe now, my love."] You could have that in the same paragraph, as it's one speaker. I think it might have slightly more impact if you cut out the 'Hugh' in the first bit of dialogue.

[Buttherehadbeennoattacker!Shehaddonethistoherself! His mind could barely comprehend what had happened.] Leans a bit too much towards telling; also, I don't think the lack of spaces really does anything for it. You could simply cut all this out and have, instead, (But there was no attacker!) in italics. The implication is enough to mean you don't need the "His mind..." bit. Just a couple of things I noticed and things for you to keep in mind, hope it helps!

OMG AWWWWWW! I couldn't ask for a better ending. It made me cry! So much love for this story :')

Oh wow! I was getting such crazy chills at the end of this chapter when Aline receives the letter. I'm pretty sure my face was open-mouthed too. I loved that twist. Very chilling, very raw. I hope that Aline can make it through these upcoming chapters. I love how this chapter really heightened the tension on the plot and how to get rid of Stephen for good.

Enjoyed the transition into Hugh's POV, especially with the technique of the first paragraph in italics. I loved how you laid that out because it reminded me of a great way to show his own inner turmoil about Aline. I also think you characterized him well when he was spacing off thinking of killing Stephen but Steph was already turning to leave. It was a great moment. There were many wonderful images in this chapter and I think it's one of the strongest one's I've read so far. It really makes me want to continue reading to find out what happens to Aline. I love that she has now become High Lady, it's such an interesting twist. Stephen is such a dog!

I might have to reconsider my idea of Aline being in a Stockholm Syndrome - she clearly shows a very strong will here, still wanting to break free. I guess it's possible that she fooled everyone and only pretended to be influenced by sir Hugh - though she's definitely in love with him, it might be for different reasons than Stockholm's.

I really am wondering what the duke's going to do. Is he going to give her a real Stockholm? What is he going to do - will he be just as kind as Hugh? I don't think so: after all, it's the Duke who wants the throne, and the stories I hear from Hugh and his companions strongly imply this man is a monster.

Your story is still great and I can't wait to read more :) Discovered one mistake:

'"No, Hugh. I have known for almost twenty years.' have known YOU for...

(Could you review I Never for me in return? Thank you)

I can't believe it's over! There's got to be one more chapter!

Amazing story! I loved it SO much! Great job, as always ;)

CrazyCowgirl101

Ohhhh, what a wonderful, wonderful ending! The suspense building up to whether Hugh was dead or not, the descriptions of the watching public...great job!

I like the fact Aline hurried down to the arena. the description "...walking on legs of glass..." fantastic imagery! Well done.

My only variance with your narrative would be would Aline really stand looking down at Hugh's body, and then fall to her knees when she realized he was dead, or would she immediately drop beside him? My mind's eye sees her dropping beside him and grabbing his shoulders, willing him to be alive. But everyone has their own picture. Nothing wrong, it's just what I see. Her love overcoming her decorum.

You have a knack for describing from a man's pov; that whole first paragraph from Hugh's pov really draws the reader in, from his chest "...felt weighted under rocks..." to "...to slip into sleep one last time."

I like the humor brought in that Hugh is "...incapable of another conquest." I like the comparison.

Their conversations and banter are easy-going and believable, as is the descriptions of their laying together. Just like a woman to tease a man till he has to act, whether he physically feels able or not, LOL! We know why Adam took the apple from Eve, don't we? Aline manages to get Hugh to recover enough after all.

I love this story. You wrote credible characters, dialogue, and narrative. Great action sequences, as well as love scenes.

I know it probably feels like your best friend has moved away now that you are finished. These characters have lived in your head for so long it requires a period of mourning after finishing a book, doesn't it?

Great job, and I really look forward to seeing this story at the other site, as well as wonder what you have cooking next as far as plots!

Easy Fix for Review Game

Since I haven't read the earlier chapters, I don't suppose I can mention too much about the plot. However, I'll do the best to critique this as I go, hopefully this review doesn't sound too fragmented.

"...against the hiltl of..." - the hilt?

Your writing was competent. It had a good flow, and I felt the vocabulary was varied and appropriate. However, I felt that it was quite difficult to immerse myself into the narrative, especially at the beginning of the chapter. That could be due to the fact that I have not read the earlier chapters, but also, I felt the dialogue between Hugh and Stephen and the other knights at the beginning was unnecessarily long and did little to establish tension prior to the duel. While I felt the change of perspectives abrupt, it was Aline's perspective that finally got me into the story, but once you reached the description of the battle, the mood was lost again. There were a lot of wordy descriptions in that portion with little...use, persay. I didn't really care what they were wearing, or whether Aline thought Hugh was fighting with more expertise. Some of the descriptions, such as "They too were used as weapons" were unnecessary - just show them smashing the shields around and we'd know they were used as weapons too. Also, the battle seemed really cliche. The beginning dialogue gave away Stephen's sneaky personality. Coupled with your description regarding Hugh having higher abilities, and how he was honourable in contrast pretty much spelled out Stephen's "dirt tactic" from the beginning. And then there was the whole "gripping onto the sword with a bare hand" thing - I couldn't help but wonder why the sword didn't sever his motor neurons and rendered his hand incapable of exerting strength on the sword (okay, maybe it's just me being too geeky again). And stabbing the sword through the holes of the mail? Really? I thought the mail was designed to have holes smaller than the sword...it just didn't make sense to me. I think I would've enjoyed a more creative battle scene, but of course, the feelings portrayed in this section were a welcome change compared to the slight staleness of the beginning.

Overall it was still a good read. The pacing and language were great and it was easy to get through the chapter. Good luck writing.

-Dex

Jack and Duncan sound like real cowards: when their captain is attacked, they just stand there, watch, and let the 'prisoner' take aim instead. Though I should add that, at this point, Aline is hardly a prisoner anymore.

The stitching of the wound was perhaps a bit too well-described, but I like how it shows the change in the relationship between Aline and Hugh. And, of course, his companions.

Near the end of the chapter, they were almost going to kiss, right? I still wonder what's going to happen when Hugh starts claiming the throne. I'm sure Aline will be very conflicted: and I wonder if she'll face the nature of her Stockholm Syndrome.

One spelling mistake:

'then the blood loss eill end him anyway.' Will end him anyway

Keep writing!

(Could you review I Never for me in return? Thanks in advance)

Great job with this action sequence. They are notoriously difficult to write, but you managed to keep it fast paced, but descriptive enough to keep a clear image the whole time. About time Stephen died! God I hated him! lol update soon!

Again, good chapter and the plot seems to have taken an interesting turn. I just hope Aline is able to deal with the new events as they unfold. I think you capture her emotion well, as well as capturing the emotion of Hugh and his turmoil. But, like I said before, the sentences are sometimes a bit too long, especially as you have a tendency to use 'and' a lot. In many instances, it could be dropped and replaced with a comma or dropped and the sentence split in two. [I'll bang as I like(,) old woman,"] Should be a comma before somone is addressed in dialogue. [He bowed deeply and scurried from the room leaving the two women] Long sentence - could change it to (Bowing deeply, he sccuried from the room, leaving the two women...) The commas will help break it up a bit. [eaten the previous day and her appetite returned with a vengeance.] Again, long sentence - could be (...eaten the previous day. Her appetite returned...)There are other examples throughout but yeah, as always, just something to be careful of and something to remember if you come to edit this.

I like this chapter for the simple reason that it's a lot of background information - and that is very much important. Is sir Hugh falling for lady Aline? His POV does strongly imply so. Like I've said before - it does seem like Aline herself is the victim of Stockholm Syndrome, though they were unaware of that term at the time.

I wonder if we're going to see more of Hugh's men. I love the playfulness between them, it sounds very realistic - it really seems a lot like a 'real' army.

Great chapter as always!

(Could you review I Never for me in return? Thanks in advance D)

Gah! Such a cruel way to end the chapter. Just as it looks like Hugh is going to have Aline in his arms again, she gets taken away! I thought it was really well done, though, because like Hugh I didn't expect someone to come to her aid. But at least it isn't Stephen's men - still, I'm really worried about Hugh now. It must be torture for him to watch her go... unable to cry out to her or anything. A very powerful image, and I could really feel his hopelessness in that situation.

But let me backtrack to the beginning. When Aline is being lead from her tent through the camp, I really liked how she wanted to call them all cowards. I thought it was a really powerful way to show how helpless they are, how the troops still respect Hugh but are unable to do anything. I dunno... it just made me so angry, just like Aline, to know they're standing there and following the Duke's orders when all of this could be easily ended. But I suppose if soldiers went around offing every leader they didn't see fit to rule, there would be constant chaos. Stephen is just damn lucky all his men are loyal enough not to kill him... well, most of them.

My only problem with this chapter is kinda around the part where Lorrimer sets Hugh free. Now, I'm really glad to see he's let go, and I love how Lorrimer only wants in payment for him to kill Stephen (I thought that was a cool, dramatic little exchange between them), but my first thought was wondering where the guards suddenly went. I'm sure Stephen would have some of them posted around Hugh, considering how slippery he can be. But I also know the men are still somewhat loyal to Hugh as well. I can understand that Lorrimer, being a noble and all, can dismiss them, but I don't know. Maybe the guards turned the other way because they want to see Hugh set free as well? It felt a little fishy to me - but nothing a quick edit of the surroundings won't fix.

Anyways, a very good chapter. I really hope Hugh ends up with Aline in his arms soon. :(

Wow! I'm exhausted! I feel like I've been in that arena, fighting Stephen to the death. Such wonderful attention to detail; the bite of the blade against Hugh's fingers, Stephen's blank eyes, the blood seeping out of his wound, Hugh's elbow bent at an unnatural angle...absolutely fantastic. You've outdone yourself with this fight scene.

I also loved the description of the arena, with the tufts of weeds sticking up and the crowd shouting their bloodlust. Even Aline's thoughts on playing there when she was young was a nice touch. So well done.

I like how Aline borrowed the cape to watch unobserved. Another minor detail that adds to the whole effect.

I like that instead of Aline's presence distracting him, Hugh feels the extra strength to finish the deed because she is there. Well done.

I couldn't see any needs for improvement, except that we'd better not be left hanging for very long, LOL! Sooo good, I am looking forward to the ending. Great, great job!