Reviews for Rematch! Round 2
Persevera chapter 3 . 12/5/2012
[Ricochet was no Casanova, but prided himself on being a Rocky Balboa, and it was high time he took care of his Adrian.]- Ricochet has good instincts as a boyfriend for a young girl. I like his putting the umbrellas in the drinks to make them more festive
[he could the heat on his frame like a twenty-ton weight]- You're missing a verb. I think it's feel, right?
Mary's good for comedic relief. I think her obsession with victim stories needed to be stated more clearly, rather than just mentioned, on her initial introduction.
I like that you gave a really good description then an equally detailed one of how appealing Keisha looked viewing it
["You put with all my pestering when I was a brat, and you never made me feel feel bad."]- You know what to do
[As the two shared a laugh, they were soon privy to the pounding drums emanating from the double doors Mary has left open. The D.J. has ceased his onslaught of contemporary pop tunes in favor of some Motown classics. Keisha's eyes lit up once she recognized the song, an all-time favorite at her house. "It's The Miracles!" she cried, her eyes flashing with excitement. "C'mon, Ricochet, let's go!"]- A couple of changes in tense in this paragraph
[That is, until Ricochet extended a hand to out her,]- I believe to out is supposed to be out to
Glad Keisha got her ebullience back in the end and Mary allowed herself to be touched by a guy and realized she wouldn't become spontaneously pregnant
Persevera chapter 2 . 12/4/2012
[his eyes looked beyond the bag into his mire of his memories]- too many his. Try the mire of his memories. Actually, I bet that's what it was supposed to be, right?
[Ricochet's reflected on Keisha specifically,]- Don't need 's
[Maybe life really was just one long training exercise, with a few big bouts to keep things interesting.]- Boxer philosophy: I like it. I also like his description of Keisha to another person.
[her eyes framed his reflection in the splendor of black pearl.]- gorgeous phrase
Good image of Nathan's apron making him look more like a butcher. Replace the cake batter spoon with a meat cleaver, which is probably what Ricochet imagined.
Interesting turn of events with Nathan dating Camille. What's sauce for the goose...
[quick Powerade to sooth his spirits]- soothe
[Ricochet regardless her ensemble]- regarded
Keisha's a keeper and Camille seems nicer with Nathan than she was with Ricochet. I think I like her better than I did before.
It's a nice wide-scope ending. I'm curious how Ricochet will make things right
Persevera chapter 1 . 12/2/2012
I love your cover for this; it's very cute.
I laughed at the opening. It sounded so menacing to be something so innocuous.
[frisbee has 'injured' him]- change in tense.
[The ponytailed girl's full-moon face shone as he caught sight of the tall boy,]-as she
["Ah, you didn't didn't actually tell me that!"]
I like Camille's reaction when Ricochet is about to fight Jerrod-been there, done that
[Ricochet's sweated for a second,]-Not sure how you want to correct this
[whose mouth were upturned in that open smile of hers]- was instead of were
[through he was already resigned to going with her.]-though
I think you can improve the St. Herman's scene. It doesn't feel quite natural. Some of the dialogue seems stilted. Mary's concern doesn't seem realistic, nor Ricochet's actually addressing it with the comment about his adorable car.
[She didn't need to convince him though; Keisha's sense of self was the first thing he admired about her, and even now, it was something he could never say no to.]-That's a great way for a young guy to feel about a girl
mizgardenia21 chapter 1 . 7/19/2011
Nathan was a bit harsh especially since he was going out with Camille. I hope that everything gets resolved in the end.