|Reviews for Full Moon|
| Lolitroy chapter 1 . 7/13/2014
I can beta for your story if you want to :D
Hmm, nice first enncounter. The writing was a bit too straightforward for my taste, but I can guess you're a young writer, so these little pet peeves are not much to worry about. I guess a bit more showing and less telling could also work since it seems like she's just info-dumping.
I like the main character though, but then again how could you not like a character that listens to music in the middle of nowhere at who knows what hour and doesn't freak out when a possible psycho spots her? She seems so calm, which is awesome.
Bade... heh, ominous.
| R.D.Palmgren chapter 1 . 11/21/2013
I decided to return the favor for taking time and reading my writing.
“Full Moon” wasn’t as bad but wasn’t as good as other stories I have read on this website. I read chapters 1-2.
think you have something here in the making of a great story and from what you are telling us, you don’t write as much so that could be the reason why it’s not as good as I would like it to be, room for improvements.
The first paragraph was really well written, I love the way you put yourself in the story and described the night, your hair, the playground. I think you could use bit more but it’s also fine the way it is.
Then you go on to i-pod blasting as you can’t hear anything but music. You can’t hear the stick crack behind you or even deep heavy breathing is what you are saying, but then if you can’t hear, how is it that you know a stick cracks or heavy breathing if you can’t hear? You wouldn’t know so don’t say that but more go along of the lines of you are looking out, in an empty playground as I swing very gently back as I realize no one is around as it begins to creep me out as I begin to feel my back ache with sensation, my neck tingling sending a small shiver across my whole body….. This way you are telling us something is off, something isn’t right without telling us something happening that you don’t even know about.
I notice a slight raise in the corner of his bright pale(whatever color you want) lips rise slightly, eyes bright as the moon(or whatever eyes you want) begin to narrow, focusing towards me as he set the alarms in my head as a warning as I take but a slight step back.
I think readers will enjoy reading what I wrote more then you telling us what he look like and then what he does or says. Mix it up, “The young boy steps forward with a dark elf like shoe towards me with ease as though walking on air. It gives readers more on what he is like without telling us he wears black elf shoes. He steps towards me.
Picture yourself as that girl, what would your reaction if some guy comes and kisses you, what would you do, making it as realistic as possible according to your reactions will make it seem more real. Would you slap him or would you run away. Choosing the slap will tell readers she is strong girl who stands her round, running away, shows her weak, a girl that just stands there might be lost or confused wanting to know why. So pick something that you want your girl to be more but make it realistic as possible.
I already written 500 words so my last words to you, you have something here but at the same time you need to slow the story down and not have all descriptions in one or two sentences and what he or she does in the other, mix and combine it. But you in the characters shoes and act her roll out in the middle of the night.
Sometimes I would act out things to see what I would do next when it comes to fights or when it comes to kissing how one thing would lead to another and what would go through my mind.
Best of luck
| Shadowswept chapter 5 . 9/1/2013
I like that Bade was in this chapter, even if only in a dream. He's so mysterious and interesting. This chapter was good but sad. I wonder why her mom is so cold to her and why her dad left. Todd is a wonderful brother at least. This is a good way to set up her frame of mind for being open to letting in the supernatural. There is a loneliness about her.
| Shadowswept chapter 4 . 8/30/2013
We still don't know the main character's name, or did I miss it somehow? Interesting group with her brother sitting with her at lunch. I haven't seen that in any other story, and I thought it was sweet. Her friends seem nice, and I liked the banter between them. It seems realistic. I'm curious to see where you go with this story.
| Shadowswept chapter 3 . 8/30/2013
Thanks for the shout out! I'm so glad you decided to continue this story. There is definitely something supernatural about Bade, and I wonder what it is. I like the description of the chuckle and the leaves in the wind. It created a great, mysterious atmosphere. Interesting details about her family.
| Morgan Lenay chapter 4 . 8/30/2013
I really like this, update soon!
| Ginbrat chapter 3 . 8/29/2013
I'm very interested to figure out what happened with her father. Three typos. You used the word 'wait' when the proper spelling would be 'weight', the word should be 'shine' instead of 'shone', and you use 'A' when it should be 'I'. Other than that, your spelling and grammar is fine from what I can see. Please update this story soon.
| Ginbrat chapter 1 . 8/29/2013
I'm interested to see how this turns out. Two typos though, 'finely' and 'sole'. For the first one, finely, it should be used in something like, "He finely grounded the pepper." What you were looking for was 'finally'. And for the second one, sole, it should be used in something like, "She took out the sole of her shoes." What you were looking for was 'soul'. Other than that, I didn't see any other mistakes.
| Shadowswept chapter 2 . 8/27/2013
You can't stop there! This was a great beginning with her meeting the mysterious Bade, but I want to know more about him and find out what happens next. Bade is a very cool name by the way. I like the way you describe things, and I think this story has a lot of potential. I'm going to follow it and hope that you continue it. You made it very sexy for it being so short, so I would love more of that.
| Atreyu Legend chapter 1 . 4/22/2012
Lol don't worry I'm not a person to complain about punctuation, though it does help pace your writing a bit. But it wasn't too bad as you said, I could read it and understand well.
But lets get to the good part, so I'm not entirely sure what a one shot is but this story didn't seem to have much of a closing. I found myself wanting to read more but then being stopped due to lack of content. Your descriptions remind me a lot of how Stephen King would define his characters brief personality descriptions rather than a full bio of your character which I can't stand seeing on any story. So good job!
I do like your character though, she didn't feel like a giant cutout compared to some other characters I've read in other stories. The main thing I like about her is that she's seems independent and not so dependent on finding a guy. In most romance stories you read any character whether a boy or girl, seem to always be looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend. But this character is different, love is finding her which was what got me interested.
Before in your author's note you asked, "if you would like this to become more than a one shot please let me know." Well I want to see this keep going so you should update, if you choose not to though that's too, but I'll be disappointed lol.
| the ticking clock chapter 1 . 7/31/2011
I would LOVE if you made this a mult-chapter story, even though you wrote it a few months ago...
the emotions were so clear and the description nothing short of AMAZING! you have talent!
| Taylor Wrote chapter 1 . 7/22/2011
This is really good, it's very attention getting for not being very long. I think it's good enough to continue on as a full story if you wanted to write it as one. Thanks for reviewing my story as well. Bade is a cool name too! Hope you think about continuing this.
| DutchAver chapter 1 . 5/28/2011
Good one-shot, pretty well written, although it doesn't really feel like a one-shot and more like a prologue: a good one-shot has a definitive ending, whereas this sounds more like a prologue because we have no idea how things will carry on with Bade.
Apart from that, you've done pretty well: your writing style is very visibly improving, as is your grammar and spelling. I'm impressed, actually, keep it up!
Four tiny little spelling mistakes I noticed, though:
'My i-pod was blasting ' I believe the correct spelling is iPod
'were piercing you heart ' were piercing youR heart
'It was to late ' It was too late
'I had I would have not allowed it.' I had, I wouldn't have...
' need some time to my self away from' need some time to myself
And I most certainly would like this to become a multichap, by the way :)
| Katy Rosemaire chapter 1 . 5/23/2011
I like it so far. You should really keep going.
| laurenexplorin chapter 1 . 5/23/2011
this story seems like it could be decent. you should continue it :)
also, im writing a story called soul mates, so if u hav time, could u rr?