Reviews for My Name is Tristan Lucas |
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![]() ![]() ![]() A brilliant story told with heartfelt emotion. It was very easy to feel the tangible pain and sadness and anger throughout. Nicely done. But my major nitpick is: paragraphing. I would strongly suggest that you put the parts that are not dialogue into conprehensable paragraphs as it was slightly difficult to follow along with the piece. But amazing nonetheless. ~lazer |
![]() ![]() ![]() Damn, this is such a sad story. You really had me feeling so bad for Tristan, especially there at the very end. No child should have to feel that way... and it makes me angry just knowing that somewhere out in the world, something like this is happening. It makes me really curious as to what exactly Tristan did to cause his mother's death. Or maybe it's nothing like that at all and his father is just being an asshole... which is very possible. I want to wring that guy's neck. :c At first I wasn't sure if I enjoyed the formatting of this, but about a 1/3 of the way through I thought it made this even more effective and certain lines stand out a lot more. It's like poetry/prose, and I enjoyed that. My only suggestion is that sometimes you have more than one line of dialogue separated that are said by the same person - I suggest putting those lines together in the same paragraph just to avoid any confusion on the reader's part. Also, one last little nit-pick. I saw a couple times you went into past-tense when most of this is being told in present-tense. It's best to stay consistent just to avoid confusing the reader. Let me point out one of the areas I noticed: [So, rather than making myself feel bad about stuff, I'd just smile and think that it'll be okay. Maybe… Even if I have to stay in a wheelchair, I'd somehow get better later on.] Instead of 'I'd', it should be 'I'll' to keep it in the present-tense. I think it was a great choice putting this in present-tense because it feels more immediate and really makes the reader sympathize with Tristan when thinking it's happening right now. I really did enjoy this, although it's very sad. I think you have a very emotionally powerful piece here. Good job! :) |
![]() ![]() ![]() This story reminds me of a book which I recently read. The relationship between father and son was so astounishingly similar, it was like deja vu all over again when I read this. If I were to write the second chap, I would have know what to write already lol. Something disturbing for me is about the section this story is on. I don't think this should be in the kids section (I'm serious). Although Tristan himself is a kid. The themes portraying this piece is somehow a negative one while in the kids section, you might want to write about something which is more kid-friendly, positive and moralistic. So just edit the section part of this piece and it will be fine. Ok back to the story, the father is an example of the worse kind I'm afraid, taking blame to anything around him (seriously which father in the right mind would blame a small kid over the loss of his wife, the child is innocent). Come to think of it, I feel that he is really inhumane to do this. I do not like the father because he just threw away what the role of a parent is, to protect his/her child from harm. Even for that story I had read, the dad at least showed some love and affection to him before. Never blame your own flesh and blood, it is the worse sin ever for any parent. I like how the main character slowly realises that he's was a liability to everyone as he starts to see more negativly around him. It was sad but nicely written. The ending was very negative and concerning; considering that he is just a 12 year old kid. Oh my; you really have to continue with this piece, if done right. It will be a VERY great piece of work, heartwrenching and emotional at the same time. I won't give you an expectation thought, its not my work anyways and you can do whatever you want to it. -RED- |
![]() ![]() ![]() I can feel how Trsitan feel now... so sad. His dad didn't care, huh? Wow, my parents would congratulate me when I get tops, and nag at me when I get it wrong. But still, I pity- no I mean I- no I mean- no I... ARGH WHAT THE HELL! |
![]() ![]() ![]() Although I could see where this story was going from the beginning, the ending still upset me. A few punctuation errors, but nothing major. You're a good writer... so keep writing. :) |
![]() ![]() ![]() That was so sad. You wrote it very well so that it was engaging and the emotions came through really well. Jillyice |
![]() ![]() ![]() wow...this story is so sad. i could feel what that kid was feeling. great job! |