|Reviews for Crystal Chronicles|
| Lynn W. Betson chapter 1 . 6/7/2012
Whoa there. Before we start, let me establish that I quite enjoy war stories. War is dynamic. War is cool to write about. It's an interesting way to shape a world and such. Yay for war. (Not really, though.)
Right off the bat, I think there are some things that should be fixed here. I noticed that right off the bat in the prologue, you've dumped a lot of information on us. I mean, it's clear that you've put a lot of thought into your worlds - but your first objective when writing a story is to put your best foot forward. An infodump right off the bat is bound to bore people. I don't think anyone's going to remember this information unless you really hammer it in later and regularly. So what I'm saying is, make prologues interesting! Max Helmberger (Google him, he's funny) has a really great site for writing tips on how to get beginnings right, and it's geared towards fantasy, so that's awesome.
I'd also like to comment on your word choice. Some of the diction and syntax you've used is rather awkward; were I you, I'd look into that a bit. Try reading it aloud; if it sounds awkward rolling off your tongue than maybe it could go for some editing. But I mean, I'm an amateur so really, what do I know? (You're free to disregard all of this if you wish.)
Anyway, I'm aware this review is getting quite long so I'll wrap up. The start was kind of shaky, but props for creating some dynamic worlds. I'm looking forward to seeing you flesh 'em out!
| WolfletteMoon chapter 2 . 11/4/2011
Your tense was inconsistant. It seemed like you meant for it to be past tense, but you slipped into present tense a lot. It's very grating. There were also a lot of gramatical errors and clumsily constructed sentances, so perhaps a beta reader would be a good idea. The issues with grammar made it difficult to read, which is a shame because I got the impression you could have something really good here if you just refined it a little.
The plot is interesting enough, if a little overdone, but I have faith you can make it your own. The characters seem interesting and for the most part likable, though I don't feel for Ororon. There's a fine line between funny-arrogant and grating-arrogant, so just be weary of that with him, as the scene with the girls was verging a little too close to grating.
The main thing I would say is proof-read, and if you really struggle with grammar then a beta reader will help a lot. Bad grammar puts a lot of readers off otherwise good stories.
| Hokuto Uchiha chapter 2 . 11/2/2011
Hey, it's Hokuto from Club Blitz.
Great story! :D I loved the descriptions in the prologue, and the characters' introductions in chapter 1. This could really turn out to be an awesome story _ Keep up the good work.
| HellsRolling chapter 2 . 11/1/2011
I see this is interesting if you reviewed my story you could tell me how suck I am at writing well this was interesting I got to go see yah.
| Fukurou Kimihiro chapter 1 . 10/26/2011
I would just like to know what Camtosis is. Is it another country outside the fire, water, wind, and earth nations? Or is it one of those nations renamed? Other than that, I like this!
| The Last Epic chapter 1 . 7/27/2011
I don't know what to make of this story... Its something, well, new. Refreshing, really. that would be a better word to describe this. Excellent writing quality, (SO, much better then mine.) though character introduction could use some work, try playing around with different Point Of Views and experiment with greater detail of facial expressions.
| Frap chapter 1 . 5/31/2011
Okay, you still are tearing up those tenses. So I won't gripe.
To the story it is very good as a start. I like the beginning of suspense, and the normal poor kids get jumped in dark alley sort of action. The confusion comes for me during the piece when there are three men.
You need to assign names early for so many characters or use different descriptions. The worried man, can be given different features so you don't have to keep saying man. That redundance stalls your pace often.
The evil woman is well depicted and the venom given to her victim was wicked and nasty. Great job on that!
I look forward to seeing what will come next, but the ending needs to be worked on. It's sort of flat and the whole, Luke being an intricate part is forced. You may need to kill the guy off or something.
Give him more of a presence or make him stand out more.
I think personally, you could have just introduced Escada and Death and been done with it. They are interesting already and it is entertaining enough that someone would continue to read in my opinion.
Well thank you for my warm up and I hope to see what you do with this. Before you post however you may need to clean this up like I said. The whole who was looking out and who was doing what in the alley was the most distracting in the story so just look at that and read to yourself.
See ya round the Blitz!
This review is brought to you by REVIEW MADNESS from Club Blitz
| drazer434 chapter 1 . 5/30/2011
From Club Blitz
This was a very interesting start to the story, you certainly know how to grab the reader's attention. It was a pretty shocking chapter, with all the blood and death and gruesome acts, and it was well written enough to be gruesome, which I liked.
However you do have a problem with tenses, that needs to be tightened up. Your tense wonders all over the place, starting with present, going to past and going back to present again. Make sure you keep it consistent throughout the chapter, or it can be a bit of a chore to read.
Okay on to a couple of mistakes I've found.
[One of the men looked scared, he has never done anything like this, the reluctant man wanted to go home to his wife and child but he was forced by his friend to come, he had no choice but to just go and check it out.] - There should be a full stop after this, then a new sentence "He wanted to go home" instead of "the reluctant man". Instead of a comma after come, there should be a semi-colon, so "...his friend to come; he had no choice...". Also this sentence shows how you wander through the tenses. You start off with past tense "looked scared", then change to present, "he has never done anything like this", then back to past "the reluctant man wanted to go home". Just make it consistent and it will be so much easier to read.
[The boy breaths his toasting breathes back to the girl and she melts a little. She likes the little devil anyways.] - Should be breathes instead of breaths. Breaths is the plural of breath. Anyways should be anyway, and that little aside doesn't make sense. Perhaps "...and she melts a little; she always liked the little devil" or something like that. I'm not quite sure what you're trying to show with it, it doesn't make complete sense.
[She then stares amicably at him, isn't death fun? She says.] - Should be "...amicably at him. "Isn't death fun," she says."
[His back started to convex until it exploded] - Convex isn't a verb. It would be better to say, "his back writhed into a convex arch until it exploded" or something along those lines.
Hope this helped.
| Rosemarysgraden001 chapter 1 . 5/29/2011
Intriguing and that dress sounds really pretty!
I thought that it could have had a darker kind of vibe. the girl and boy were a bit vague, but they did seem cute together :).
I am interested to see where it goes though.