a friend of mine have suggested that I read this story of yours just yesterday... she said she found it quite surprising that it has been removed since it was a very good read (most especially for musicians/musically inclined people like us)...

i do hope i'd get to read this story of your in the future...

cheerio! -anja _

Hey! It's been awhile. But I reread a couple of chapters and remembered that I last left of at a very disgruntled Dai. Okay.

[The CIA has kind of been my dream since I was a kid] I had a moment of ignorance there, thinking, Central Intelligence Agency? Wait, what? Oh…

I like how the song Dai sings is compares love to nuts. I wonder if it's intentional that "Hazel" is a type of nut as well? xD

Ooh, that's a suspenseful cliffy to end on. I'm glad that Hazel and Dai finally kiss, even if it takes both of them (especially Hazel) to be wasted to get to that point. But I remember that she was a control freak at the beginning of the story, so it's good character progression that she's trying to loosen up now.

Can't wait to see what happens next!

Merle

Please don't remove this yet. It has quite an intriguing beginning. Hazel seems to have gotten around with the men in her circle, and none of them have lasted.

I'm curious as to whether the handsome stranger is going to be her next hook up, or if they continue to pass in the night. She doesn't seem too interested in him yet.

I like the comment of the pity date. I like strong girls who stand on their own two feet.

Edit: "How long have you been shagging her for?" Don't need the "for." It'll read fine without it.

One suggestion: try to limit the use of "was." Try to use action verbs, phrases, adjectives, instead of just was. The technique is "showing, not telling." Go through your story and count how many "was's" you have, and start working on replacing them.

I do want to continue reading, so please, leave it up a little longer!

I like how we get to see more of the nicer, not-as-annoying side of Dai, though he still has his usual sense of humor. That remark he made about them fucking like rabbits made me laugh, haha. And Hazel's hangover is making me think of the one I had the other night... though I didn't black out. I think you developed some nice tension and conflict here in this chapter, mostly within Hazel herself, but also with her feelings for Dai. Now she's seeing he isn't such a prick anymore, so I'm wondering how she'll treat him in the future. And I'm really curious to know exactly what she told him while she was drunk ranting. Hmmm...

Kinda annoyed me as well that Frank would act all strange because Dai came over. I mean, I can understand if he sees him as competition and what-not... I just hope he doesn't end up being one of those territorial, clingy guys. I don't see Hazel putting up with that, hehe.

I liked the contrast between the party in the last chapter and the one in this one. I think it does a great job showing the life Hazel has to look forward to if she chooses to stay with Frank, and the life she'll be giving up if she stops talking to Dai. Very interesting contrasts.

So, I'd thought you'd want feedback on another work since you're planning on taking Minor Talent down, but if you still want reviews on this, I'd be happy to continue until I finish (which will be in a while :P).

Haha, I like the way Dai is in on the inside joke when he says Andy is knackered in every sense of the word, while Wolf and Robbie are still pretty much clueless. I thought it showed him to be a more understanding, insightful person than the others, and also sort of brings him closer to Hazel.

Also, I really like the metaphor of the old record store like a house of worship. I thought that was really well put! Also, I got a really good impression of the scenery, as Dai lead Hazel around Cardiff.

Ooh, I also like Dai's reaction to the couple recognizing Hazel but not so much him. I thought it was cute how he'd thought he's finally getting some recognition, only to drop his jaw when it's Hazel they're asking about. The fact that he also recovers pretty quickly when Hazel talks to him about it also makes him more likable than someone more obsessive, like Frank (though obviously about different things).

I think you do a great job of making it clear that becoming recognized as a musician is no easy task, both with the last scene, as well as the part where Dai says his mother was disappointed. Definitely very realisitic.

Merle

Sorry this took me so long to get to! Holidays have been damn crazy.

Haha, even though he is pretty damn annoying, I can't help think Dai is absolutely hilarious. I also like those characters that tend to be more than meets the eye, like how he gets the band to sign that poster for Chrissie and the rumors Hazel hears about how he treats his fans. Something like that says a lot about his character - though at this point I'm still wondering if it's him being kind, or him just wanting everyone to love him, hehe. I think seeing more of his character will help me find out in time, though. I'm also eager to learn more about the tie between him and Dai.

I like how you incorporate Hazel's work with the story. It really helps drive home the fact that she's a writer - and it's good to see someone like her struggle with parts of her article. Makes her feel more human. Also enjoyed that conversation she had with Frank about the parties bands have after shows.

And speaking of Frank, I really like him so far. Though... he doesn't have that unique spark like Dai does, and I'm wondering if Hazel is going to realize that as well a little further into the story. Although she wants to hate Dai, I don't think it's in her to hate him.

A very nice ending to the chapter! I'm excited to see Dai's reaction when he sees she's bringing Frank with her to the party. I wonder if Dai will take that opportunity to hit on Chrissie to make Hazel jealous. Hmm... this should be good!

So, I skipped ahead to your author's note and found that you're planning on taking it down?

I'd review one of your other stories, but I've grown too attached to this one, and I really think you should keep updating (Not that my reading pace will ever catch up to your updating pace, ha!)

Aww, the beginning part with Andy was so sweet! I like how shy he actually is. The part about how he was always left behind like a puppy dog when the rest of the guys were off fucking girls was kinda sad and sweet all in one.

Oh! So Hazel took Andy to a gay bar. I was wondering where they went.

So, I really, really liked this chapter. It might be one of my favorites. The entirety of it was just so darn cute. It's nice to see Hazel play matchmaker for Andy, and I'm glad that Hazel and Dai are getting to know each other more, before the inevitable romance will happen (unless you didn't get to writing that part yet :P). The ending, I thought, was pretty much perfect.

Hope your test/essays went well!

Merle

Welsh eh! Not the usual place of origin for the archetypal love interest, though definitely a good accent. I like the way Hazel tries to work out where the accent is from and that she is annoyed at herself for wanting to know.

The summary of the band characters is nice and very perceptive (my husband is a guitarist turned drummer) and I hope you're going to turn it upside down a bit as we get to know the characters in the band a bit more.

I think you need a definite break between where she starts the interview and then writes it up as it read at first as though the line about the energetic performance was their answer.

The conversation between Hazel and Frank is nice, I'm seeing a potential new love interest here and their banter sounds natural. I liked the fact Dai turned up and ruined it.

Haha, I like how you describe Hazel passing the girls who're discussing whether Wolf or Dai is hotter. I liked that little detail, because it's such a fangirl thing to do.

Gary's sexist comments really rub me the wrong way, even though I get the feeling he's trying to be humorous. It's makes him an interesting character, though, because even though he's supposed to be a pretty decent character, his flaw isn't minor.

Hmm, I feel like you're slowly trying to develop Frank into the obsessive stalker type. Or maybe he's just super clingy. Either way, his random interupptions in Hazel's life is getting pretty darn creepy!

I'm surprised Dai got jealous about Hazel going out with Andy, because I feel like once a person declares he's gay, he wouldn't go for someone of the opposite sex no matter how hot she is. But maybe you're trying to show that Dai is so taken with Hazel that he's becoming a little irrational? If so, then that's kinda cute. :)

Merle

I'm so sad to see that you're taking this down, but I hope to try and get it published? I seriously love the edit version. I like how things are more defined here. I wish I could finish reading the edited version. I said this once, and but this needs to be said so much more, this story deserves more reviews, it's seriously one of those diamonds in the rough stories. I love love love it. I seriously can't express how much I love your story. Reading this story is the reason I put up mine. I've been having this reoccurring dream - which turns out to be my story haha - It's about my friends band, and the what ifs if they got famous. I love the comments you made on my story, super helpful. Like I'm so grateful you took the time to read it. enough bout me haha, this is a review for YOUR amazing story haha.

So I'm thinking you should still add more Hazel/Dai moments, I still feel in the edit that there's still not enough of them to build a believable relationship for them. Well it is believable but I feel like it would be better.

Also, I'm not sure if the whole Frank thing is essential to this story to be honest. I feel like it just slows down the plot a bit. Not that I'm this expert writer or anything - my grammar is horrible- but that's just my thoughts on it.

I'm liking this a lot so far. Hazel's a different sort of protagonist, and I mean that in a good way. Reading this was so... refreshing.

I did see a few minor typos here and there:

- He stood near the door, looking awkward as he shifted from foot to the other.

from foot to the other - from one foot to the other

- A complete and utter idiot who had left it all go unchecked, and now she wished she had followed the signs and threw him out on his arse before he had a chance to dump her.

who had left it all go unchecked - who had let it all go unchecked

And I noticed quite a few commas trying to act like semi-colons, but other than that, it was spot on. Great start. I'm quite interested in learning more about Hazel, actually.

I got a bit confused with some of your transition in this chapter as it seemed to jump quite abruptly from Hazel and Chrissie to Hazel and Rosie to Lucy. Partly this is a FP problem because it seems to cancel asterisks and large breaks which means the conventional methods don't work.

You're so right about the bitchiness of girls sadly. I'm interested in the way Chrissie doesn't really respond to that and wondering if you're setting something up, especially with Hazel's later observations about Chrissie's perceptiveness.

I liked the description of Lucy and Hazel squeezing gently, it manages to convey the closeness of their relationship in minimal words and is easy to picture.

A punk version of Don't Cry for Me Argentina is something I'd like to hear (-:

Just a couple of typos I noticed

'The way she sat it, if she wasn't around Hazel'- do you mean saw it?

'rummaged through her back,' -bag?

Great cliffhanger- I'm guessing he's the bloke from the wedding right?

Now that was just mean. It's like, you like being evil.

great chapter and omg is hazel pregnant? holy crud! but you did great because other readers just like me will really wanna keep reading after this chapter because they won't be able to put the book down. in the last chapter you were worried if aurora seemed realistic and you don't have to worry cuz she is so good job!

One thing I've been noticing that I always forget to mention— I like how you're taking Dai and Hazel's relationship slowly, so that we really get to know both of them, and see the natural progress of their relationship before (hopefully) sparks really fly.

[he had grumbled something about a woman's touch maybe not being a bad thing] Haha, Wolf's funny!

[The way kids stare at me and swear at when I have to tell them no] This sentence is a little awkward.

Oh, and I like how we get to see a little bit of Andy in this chapter too. I'm assuming that he's gay? Anyway, it's always nice for a girl to make friends with her guy's friends to really capture the heart of that guy. ;)

Merle