|Reviews for Minor Talent Edited|
| Jax Creation chapter 1 . 6/10/2011
I'm not a general fan of romance but I do like this story/chapter. _ It's not one of those cringeworthy, fluffy... things; it also flows well and it's easy to read.
Hazel is a really realistic character, and she's easy to relate to. She is not the typical kind of heroine that you see in the romance novels published on FP where every little thing is the end of the world, which made me like her even more. She knows what it's like to be on either side of the situation and deals with it without making it a massive issue. Not perfect, but doesn't dwell on the fact.
"He was good looking, but it was in such a painfully obvious way that it made her cringe." - Ahaha, I can totally sympathise with that statement. D
"she wasn't going to wail and moan like someone in a Greek chorus but she wasn't going to just roll over and let him get away scot free" - Hazel, you a woman worthy of respect. )
Now, as I was going through the story I did find some odd sentence structures and a few grammatical errors and have listed most of them below. Corrections or key words will be [bracketed]. I apologise if this comes off as harsh - x_x that's not my intent. If you're unhappy with my tendency to nit-pick please tell me so that I can refrain from doing so in the future.
*how, at that moment - I feel like there should be a comma after [moment], as "at that moment" seems like an interjection.
*she wished she had followed the signs and [thrown] him
*Because, after all, he was a front-man for a band. They were slowly clawing their way up to the top and once more she'd gone for a musician. - This reads somewhat awkwardly. I actually think the first sentence should finish after [top]. Possible rewrite: "Because, after all, he was a front-man for a band that was slowly clawing its way up to the top. Once more she'd gone for a musician."
*It was one question that she'd kick herself for not asking later. - Hang on, I thought she asked it and he DID answer it...
*She wasn't going to play the victim[;]
*It snapped shut [moments later?]. - or "[Then] it snapped shut [again]."
*Just...leave, yeah? - This is just nit-picking, but [yeah] would read better as "okay".
*Alone with no one watching, she let the tears fall. [section break] Hazel swept back her blue-black,
*And I agree with vixy13 - just to witness... [para] that is a bit confusing. I'd omit the paragraph break and italicise [that].
*He got himself another drink [and leaned] slightly towards her
*No, she didn't want their pity then because the day was supposed to be about Will and Lucy, not her and Adam. - reads strangely. Suggested rewrite: "No, she didn't want their pity. This day was supposed to be about Will and Lucy, not her and Adam."
*She wasn't used to walking in shoes like them... - "She wasn't used to walking [in these shoes], and had resorted to wearing them for today [because] she wanted to make some sort of impression."
*Whatever she had wanted to achieve, however, what she thought she wanted had got lost somewhere. - Not entirely sure what this is supposed to mean.
Anyway, Hazel has been characterised really well, I'd really like to see more of this. _
~Jax C. (The Roadhouse)
| vixy13 chapter 1 . 6/9/2011
This was a very captivating first chapter (it is rare that I read a whole chapter, I usually skim and often times find the story very dull). I love Hazel, you have made her so real, from her terrible love life to the setting around her. Now there are somethings to point out, there were parts where sentences didn't flow very well and I got lost with all the commas. There were a few spelling errors (realize was spelt wrong) and just tiny little things like in the line that said "...to splash out on something just to witness...
That." This part really confused me and I had to read over the paragraph one more time to understand what you were trying to say.
But other than that I really do love where this story is going, your character development is great and perhaps I'd like to read more to see if poor Hazel's luck finally turns :)
| Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 6/5/2011
[she wasn't going to wail and moan like someone in a Greek chorus but she wasn't going to just roll over and let him get away scot free, either.] I really enjoyed Hazel’s character in the opening scene. I especially liked how she handled being dumped; you did a great job of avoiding the cliché.
[Instead, Hazel found herself avoiding any awkward conversations by staying as close to the open bar as possible] I was confused here. I thought Hazel was still in her flat thinking about her dress, and suddenly she’s at the bar? Did I miss something? Maybe it would be less confusing if you mentioned that she was going to a wedding, or if you inserted a break or some sort of transition.
I think Hazel has a really interesting story ahead of her. In this chapter, we see that she has dumped and been dumped. She’s not perfect, but still likable. Overall all the characters seem really realistic.