|Reviews for The Deadly Seven|
| KittyKittyNEKO chapter 1 . 9/25/2011
ahahaha already it reminds me of fullmetal alchemist :P
| goshssshh chapter 2 . 6/21/2011
My Reply: Yeah...since you used "sin" and the number seven I thought it has something to do with the bible. Sorry about that.
My CH2 Rev: The plot and the characters so far, to me seems very cliche. I'm sure there are more than a handful different types of people in the world. Try getting ideas from real life (yes, even though you're writing fiction), and real people in stead of another story, that way your idea pool will be broader and your story more creative. _ Goodluck!
| Niki Tori chapter 2 . 6/21/2011
Looking forward to seeing what happens next with those dastardly ghost. lol. Also I was a little concerned with the attractive teacher requiring bouncy orbs for the second day of class.I admit I blushed a little bit. Guess I'll have to wait to see what occurs in the next installment! Thanks for the fun read!
Much Love and Many Hugs
| Umekogal chapter 1 . 6/12/2011
Some remarks - I don't like stories that break away from the action with some insertation from the author, like
(:O he's a wizard! Shocking! lol sorry.)
It kind of interrupts the flow of the story. HOwever, some wit and humour like the signboard is ok.
"From here on is a very deep and dangerous river, BEWARE! No one has lived to lived to tell if it's truly dangerous."
| SadisticSmallThing8 chapter 2 . 6/11/2011
I like your story! Lol, the seven deadly sins, each time they were mentioned, I could only think about the seven deadly sins in fullmetal alchemist XD. There aren't any grammar mistakes available to the naked eye, at least to me, but I just scan a story to read it... OH WELL! Can't wait until next chapter, very interesting :D
| MusicalOtaku chapter 2 . 6/11/2011
Chapter was pretty short but overall still good and interesting. I wonder what will happen to the two boys! Their gonna get hell I bet! hope you update soon.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 2 . 6/8/2011
The premise sounds interesting and has a lot of potential. You did admit that your language isn't good but also that you will make up with creativity. Your story does have the potential, but your presentation seems a little lacking somehow. Maybe it;s because it sounds like something written by a teenager rather than a pro, but then again, that's what this site is about. It's for amateur writers and none of us (I think) are going to be the next Paolini (who in my personal and humble opinion sucks) or Rowling. So I will not criticize you on your style or rather, the lack of it, and instead move on to the content of your story.
Still, if you want to improve your writing, you should read and write more. I guarantee you'll improve.
For the content, yeah, nothing much is happening. They are short chapters after all, and the first two chapters that's supposed to open us up to the world rather than jump straight to action, so it's fine. The characters seem rather cliched. You have the evil wizard who doesn't hesitate to feed his servant to his ghosts, a typical ice queen with beauty and courage, the stupid jock jerk who loves flirting with girls and picking on others and his equally idiotic sidekick and a weird cute guy who saves the girls' lives and the girls, despite hating Neon, falls for Leo.
See the problem? They are too flat. There is no clear or deep reason for their actions or motives. They just act according to their archetypes, but that's the extent of their characters. You need to flesh them out more...give them more characteristics that allow the readers to relate to the characters, and not just present them as stereotypical archetypes. I know you're trying to make the story funny, but your lack of presentation skills doesn't make it funny at all (to me).
Maybe I should stop reading novels and start reading more amateur novels. I'm sorry, because I sound pretty harsh. That was not my intention, but like I said I should stop reading novels because it appears that I am comparing your work with a pro's and that is kind of unreasonable because clearly none of us here are pros, and none of us make a living out of writing. So please don't take my comments to heart and continue working on your story. I think, with your premise, you should be able to improve tremendously soon enough.
Looking forward to the next chapter.
| Sakura Reyna chapter 2 . 6/7/2011
I wouldn't call that guy's shoes so spiffy if it looked like someone had to spit on them to clean them (_) lol
I think Neon is too full of himself-and that's not saying he's got alot to be full of-hot air, maybe?
Me likey! Me like very much! Seven people are gonna get possessed...I sense much internal conflict...I'm glad you got right into the action here.
Looking forward to more!
| MissHarry'sFanGirl chapter 2 . 6/7/2011
great story, I like it
| GintokisGirl95 chapter 2 . 6/7/2011
Really nice. For some reason, this is the chapter that I like the most, but it's not like they both weren't good. Great job! :D
| Drake-El chapter 1 . 6/6/2011
Sorry I reviewed so late, I was... busy...
But anyways, I just read the first chapter and I found somethings that are wrong. Minor things include spelling. First major thing i see is the descriptives, i'm talking about the ghost here, what do they look like? are they demons? people? we don't know so tell us. Second, have you heard of Hemmingway's iceberg theory?if not,look it up,I don't have enough space on my psp to explain I'm off to read the other chapter and also read mine cause i want some...
| Superslow Jellyfish chapter 1 . 6/6/2011
Wow, you've packed a pretty goo number of reviews. I'd PM people too if I wasn't so shy...
Uh, yeah, your A/N says it all, so you're aware of your errors. I could point them out, since there is a substantial amount of them, but many of the past reviewers have pointed them out.
One big huge suggestion I have for you is to not insert an A/N in the middle of your story. It sort of pulls you away from it, to be totally honest.
I liked the wizard guy, since he seemed to have the most substance here with the way he was summoning his Sinful Ghosts. He sounded so deliciously evil and fearless I found myself rooting for him. I thought he was pretty cool for having that gall to wreck havoc around the world with these seven sins. The servant came off as this cowardly "Igor" kind of rile and I thought it fit him well in a humorous standpoint, but he's also likable.
I strongly suggest you make the Sins more attributed to what they are, since in all honesty (I hope I am not flaming, since this is for purely constructive reasons), they all kind of fell flat for me. For instance, make the Gluttony Ghost all hungry and saying that he misses eating, make the wrath ghost all hateful, the sloth one sleepy and not excited...you get my gist. But you have another chapter to brush op on their personalities and to make them evolve further...or you could just brush up on this chapter!
I hope this helps!
| HellOnEarth1458 chapter 1 . 6/6/2011
I like your story i like your creativity its awesome.
| goshssshh chapter 1 . 6/6/2011
You misspelled "Aura" to "aurora", "warn" to "worn".
Well, I think you should instead try to -show- more rather than -tell-, by saying this is the spirit of Lust, the wizard, and the servant, I suggest you put a little dialogue to show what kind of sin they are, as opposed to just telling it. They all seem to have the same eery character, as if they're one.
If you want to be at least partially biblically correct, then you should realize that the seven sins are simply flourishing in this real world today, so if you "release" them...it doesn't really make sense. Perhaps, aside from tempting mankind to commit them (the sin), they should also endanger them literally as well. Their enemies will have to be the Angels (I'm sure you know this already). And those sins, if you want to be biblically correct, shouldn't be able to possess a body without the owner's consent.
This story has potential, and if you want I can write it with you :) Or you can ask me for verses in the bible, what things you can add to your story which will make it better. It reminds me a bit of Death Note, did you know that? But in death note, there's rules. So I think you should also add rules for the Good and Bad angels. Thanks for reading my review! _
| GintokisGirl95 chapter 1 . 6/6/2011
So short, yet so good! I really liked it, and I'll be waiting for more of your works; and your grammar isn't really that bad! :D Good day to you! :P