|Reviews for The Careless Heartbreak|
| Lomesa chapter 1 . 6/9/2011
Here is that review you have been waiting for...
This is not a bad rough, but I think it can really use a bit of editing to make the chapter a better read
Here are a few things I suggest you should have a look at:
1. Summary- Maybe tell the reade a bit more about the plot in stead of just giving you an idea about the Sarah's personality.
2. Structure- Eish... I think you should just cut out the Prologue and the "The Story" paragraph. The prologue seems rather unneccary at this point because it only tells you how mental the girl is, and you also read about it in the chapter, so don't repeat yourself. Then there is the "The Story" part... Yet again, something you find out in the chapter anyway. Is it supposed to be some kind of extended summary?
3. The Incident-
Lightly, slowly, effortlessly… (Maybe Gently, slowly, effortlessly...?)
A single eye stared from underneath her fringe. (one eyed girl? Weird. Where did the other one go?)
A silver choker blinked in the mirror's spotlights, as she continuously pulled the comb through already perfect albescent locks. She sighed, and stopped.(Albescent?)(lifts eyebrows)(My spellchecker doesn't even know that word. Stick with blonde. Why did you choose such a fancy word, anyway?)
It was thickly lined with a dark charcoal liner that seemed to emphasize a smoky, lazy look. Extra dark grey shadow echoed the deep liner, and popped the colour of her eye. (Chihuahau eyes)(shudder)
The colour was…
Cerulean. A type of sharp blue colour. (What's with the ellipses just to describe the colour of her eye? Just tell me what it is, no need too create a dramatic pause for that.)
Her ability... weird kind of thing reminds me of that volturi girl...
4. Style- Show, don't tell. You are just telling me what they feel and not really communicating it through their actions as well. I would also like a better idea of the girl's thoughts and maybe more background information so that I have a better idea of who is who and what is going on.
5. Use your senses- You only focus on sight, try to focus on the other senses as well
6. Atmosphere- You could really have made the show more exciting by describing it more.
7. Sarah has potential as an interesting character, but be careful, you might have to rename her Mary-Sue if she turns out to be one of those ice-queens.
8. Is there going to be a big supernatural element in this story? How famous is the band? What is the conflict going to be?
I like the way you incorporated bits from my scene into yours... When it comes to emotion I think you did all right and I would really like to see the finished product, this piece has quite a bit of potential.
Now, give me that candy you promised!
P.S. What do you think about my new profile pic?