Reviews for Luna
LiberryBooked chapter 15 . 6/5/2011
Wow! I think as a first piece, for a 12 year old you've done a fantastic job. I feel like with a little work and editing you could make this story amazing!

If you want any help or tips please don't hesitate to contact me.

-LiberryBooked
LiberryBooked chapter 14 . 6/5/2011
I liked how you captured Luna's emotions and feelings into one sentence. It's a mark of a good writer when you can put a lot of meaning in so few words.

I think this was a great ending to the story because it made it feel like the story was really complete.

I really enjoyed this piece. At times I wish there had been more description and I think you went too quickly from the beginning of the story to the end of the story without giving the readers time to fall in love with the characters. But overall props for a good finished piece.

-LiberryBooked from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
LiberryBooked chapter 13 . 6/5/2011
I wish that you'd made the funeral scene a little sadder because it seems like a really tragic event, but I think you kind of just went through it too quickly.

I didn't like that only a few people came to Lorenzo's funeral because just because his parents were dead doesn't mean that he didn't have any other family right? It just seemed a little unrealistic that there would only be Luna's family and then his teacher.
LiberryBooked chapter 12 . 6/5/2011
I liked the last part where you said that Luna had to process it word by word and then said "Lorenzo. Is. Dead." It just seemed like a really unique way to go about it and didn't feel overdone or anything.

I thought it was a little strange how the police came in and just saved the day because it wasn't like anyone tipped them off or anything. If that was the case it might be a good idea to mention that or something.
LiberryBooked chapter 11 . 6/5/2011
I liked the line that Lorenzo said "be your own hero", because it made me remember the beginning of the story when Luna tells us why she's telling this story in the first place.

I also liked how you had a cliffhanger ending at the end of the chapter. Its nice because you haven't used cliffhanger endings for all of the chapters, so every once in a while that you do use them they seem particularly dramatic.
LiberryBooked chapter 10 . 6/5/2011
I liked how in the beginning of the chapter Luna is going over all the things that she's done wrong in her life because I feel like that's a natural reaction to the situation that she's being put in.

I also liked that Lorenzo isn't a horrible person. It's nice to see multidimensional characters that have both good and bad sides rather than characters that all all good or all evil.
LiberryBooked chapter 9 . 6/5/2011
I liked how you better explained Lorenzo's past because it helped me understand why he did the things that he was doing.

I didn't like how Luna had an epiphany about Lorenzo when she was in such horrible circumstances herself. I feel like if I were in her situation I would be crazy freaking out, not realizing why this guy I barely knew reacted the way that he did.
LiberryBooked chapter 8 . 6/5/2011
I loved how you brought Lorenzo in at the end. It was a dramatic twist that I thought was unexpected.

I think you could have expanded the end of the chapter a little though. Talk about how Luna felt when she saw him, or maybe that she initially thought it was another Lorenzo or something. I like that you have an interesting plot here, because the plot is the basis for a story, but I feel like you could have developed it a little more.
LiberryBooked chapter 7 . 6/5/2011
I didn't like how this chapter was only dialogue. I feel like you could have done a lot with this chapter, like describe how Luna was feeling, and where she was taken. Just having a chapter that is this short and without description seems unnecessary.

I did like the description at the end though "he flashed me a toothy grin", because it makes her kidnapper sound like an animal which is apt because he's a kidnapper.
LiberryBooked chapter 6 . 6/5/2011
I forgot to mention in my last review that you spelled flour as flower by accident.

I liked how this chapter really developed the plot and stuff happened because the chapters before this were a little slow. But it makes sense that the previous chapters were slower because they were setting the scene.

I wish that this chapter was a little longer though. I feel like you could have made it a lot more suspenseful just by dragging out what was happening a little longer and making it more dramatic.
LiberryBooked chapter 5 . 6/5/2011
I didn't like the excessive use of capitalization. I feel like it detracts from the story as a whole and looks unprofessional.

I do like the back story you gave Lorenzo though. It's interesting and explains why he's at Luna's aunt and uncle's house.
LiberryBooked chapter 4 . 6/5/2011
I didn't really like how this chapter was so short. I would have loved to see some more description or some plot development, but it just seemed like a filler chapter.

I like how you're being kind of secretive about Lorenzo because it makes me curious to find out what his story is.
LiberryBooked chapter 3 . 6/5/2011
I didn't really like how there was so much dialogue in this chapter. It seemed out of place after the such pretty descriptions in the last one.

I was also confused as to why Lorenzo is staying with them and what the two of them are working on over the summer because you didn't really explain it. Instead you just briefly mentioned it and it just left me a little confused.
LiberryBooked chapter 2 . 6/5/2011
I liked how you're using a mix of English and Italian. It doesn't make sense to not use Italian seeing as she's in Italy, and I like the way you're translating it instead of putting the translation at the end like a lot of authors on here do.

Its sad that her aunt is so old and tired, but I liked the way you described her hair "the color of new fallen snow" because the imagery was really pretty and it really stuck in my head.
LiberryBooked chapter 1 . 6/5/2011
I liked how you introduced Luna at the beginning of the chapter. It made her seem interesting and sparked my interest to keep reading.

I didn't like that I didn't know how old she was though. She seems like a little kid, but at the beginning she sounded like someone who was very mature and grown up.

-LiberryBooked from the Review Marathon (link in profile)