Reviews for Kyuketsuki
HeroSpirit chapter 1 . 5/22/2012
I can certainly tell you've been doing this story since 4th grade... It's certainly written like a 4th grader...

I'm only up to the first chapter and I'm seeing MANY plotholes. First of all, what's the point of Cleovim being half vampire AND mummy? (Which, by the way, you got from "The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy", I'm assuming). That would only make her a horrendous monstrousity and would make her unfit to be out in public. Not only would she incinerate in sunlight (meaning no daily school life), but her decrepid, decomposing limbs would be breaking off every three seconds (from her mummy half). I wouldn't use the excuse "Oh, she looks human though", because with that kind of blood mix, it seems incredibly impossible.

I'm also confused on Cleovim's gender. Cleovim is refered to as both a boy and a girl MANY times over in this first part. Is that a typo? Like... the five or six instances you used "me" instead of "my" in this chapter? I highly suggest you revise this typos at least.

As far as the plot goes, A (boy?...girl?) trying to rid (him?...her?)self of a curse placed on (him?...her?) is an intresting concept, it's all this added stuff that's totally ruining it. I don't see any hope for this story as it is, but with these revisions it could have potential. If this truely is an important story to you, keep working on it, and at least take my suggestions into consideration. I appologize for being brash, but sometimes it comes with the territory.