Reviews for Redefined
waiting4amadmanwithabox chapter 7 . 10/4/2011
why the hell is there only 1 review on this story? it's a lot better than the other crap you run into on here. No seriously, this was an AWESOME story, it is so going into my favorites!
Jared Blakely chapter 1 . 6/14/2011
Hey Lysjinx,

I like the idea of the story, it definitely has potential. But, for me, the main problem this story had was that, in the beginning, it was really slow and boring. The first chapter has to reel the reader in, keep them hooked for the rest of the story, you know?

The little narrative of Rinji's backstory, for instance. You shouldn't *tell* us that, as the writer. You should *show* us all that, weave it in through story, because I don't think anyone cares that deeply about it unless it's given to us in an interesting way.

And the dialogue between Rinji and Arden about Blane - I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt in thinking that this plays a role in the story somehow, but if it dosen't, you should really get rid of it. It's just bogging down the story with stuff we won't care about at all.

In the second chapter, you bog it all down for us in the beginning with all this stuff about Arden and Blane, then about Rinji's day. Which is pointless, because we, as the reader, frankly don't care about her day. We're trying to get to the good stuff.

Even the television report about the missing girl wasn't as great as it could have been, mainly because you *told* us about the report instead of *showing* the report. I'd rather hear the reporter telling me about the missing person than you, as the narrator and main character, telling me.

But, really, the idea is great, I'd like to see how this all plays out story-wise. I think the main thing you're going to have to work on is knowing when to show and when to tell, and to cut out all the crap we don't care about.

Good luck :)