Heh, shoot. I finally decide to get my bum off the lazy chair and into the reading chair and here I find the whole thing removed. Sorry I haven't been reading. Well, now that I have time off from uni, let's see how that website thing goes. Good luck.

Hell yeah I'm going like this on facebook. I'm on my to view the revised manuscript. Good luckk publishing. You ever thought about self publishing on Amazon books?

SDLFKSLDKFLSKDFLSKDLFSDLFLSDF!
I blame myself.
Shouldn't have put this story on hold for so long. Just wondering if you could PM me how it all ends? A blurb would be nice. If not I'll just wait for publication details and buy the book.
This story was definitely 'buy' worthy. :3

This is that one thing. Right?

I figured I should look at it before you took it down or whatever.

I love the opening line of this. Boom!

And, the voice is fabulous, really. LOL. Have you every read The Bartimaeus Trilogy? That's just what my mind jumped to, with the humor and the sarcasm and all.

"I love it when they're awake when I kill them." D:

And he's smoking. OMG. Epic. Haha.

Wait... he's legit wanking right now? DX Ah! You weren't joking about the wanking stuffs.

Yeah. I think I love this. Very dark. I hope it does get published.

-Liv!

I don't think I can say enough how much I love this story. The ideas are really unique, especially the entrance to hell and the character of Gabriel. Who would have thought he was a smoker? I also really like the different angel responsibilities, how they sort of fit together and the like. Kristoph's characterisation just keeps getting stronger, especially here where we see him a bit less sex-obsessed than usual, where he's a bit more vulnerable but questioning why he's feeling the way he is. Really well written, throughout. Loving it, as always.

Wow, it was certainly a surprise to find Mina there in that bar, being a stripper in that bar. It's obvious that the bar is so much more than just your average stripping bar, considering that angels and devils are visiting it too.

But how did Mina get there? Mina, with her personality so strong that not even the devil could defeat her? How did it get that far that she ended up in there?

Also, am I right in assuming that everything up to this chapter was just foreshadowing and set-up? This chapter certainly feels like a transition to the bulk of the story, with the threat of Lucifer coming to earth in his human form, and Armageddon dooming. Who is Desmond? I don't believe we've dealt with him before, and he sounds a thousand times more dangerous than Bethelgar.

I wonder what would've happened if Kristoph had gone 'all the way' with Bambi. Would he be punished by heaven again? Or are we just talking about his personal principles, refusing to do any woman other than Evelyn or Mina?

Again, so many questions, so little answers.I'll find out more in the next chapter, I hope :)

I liked the call back to the first chapter, when we find out Sarah's given a backstory, but I had to actually read back to remember who Sarah was, again. Maybe you should give the nod to her a bit more explanation?

I like how you write about Mina and Kristoph constantly dancing around each other. Because obviously, she is attracted to Kristoph, but she can't admit her feelings just yet, it seems. I wonder if we're going to see any more of her, but I'm almost certain we will. She sounds like a good new wife for Kristoph, and she's certainly strong of heart. I don't think I'd be able to keep myself together so well if I had been through what Mina has been through. She is very strong of heart, and I admire her.

I discovered quite a few, for you at least, mistakes in this chapter. I pointed them out, it would be nice if you could look at them :)

'After all this time slaving for the people of this world, and still I'm not familiar with their antics.' Shouldn't you remove the 'and'?

'you spits bullets instead.' Unless this is Gollum talking, I'd remove the 's' in 'spits' :)

'Make my want to ' mE want

Keep writing

Well, good to see a marked improvement behind this chapter. Simply put, it's down to your usage of metaphors far more than actual description. In a very real sense, this is the real highlight of the chapter because that's the reason why I, as a reader can truly create my own vision of empathy and visualizing of the scene. :)

Now let me comment on Nathan since above everything else, he's the focal character rather than Kristoph. Simply put, not only is he a parallel to Kristoph on every sense of the word, but more than anybody else he's actually someone whom the bloke can never measure up to. In a very twisted sense, Kristoph is extremely lucky to hit the Templar paydirt. Nathan wasn't that lucky. Come to think of it, it just gets to showcase that Kristoph's rebellious attitude is the exact portrayal of the humane weakness where all we can truly do is to talk cheap. And to think that Kristoph is beyond mortal literally. Also a brief statement on the car raging part. That one vid on Youtube where Fujiwara Bunta ended up going lulz mode on the wheel.

On Sabrina, I really need to give her a bit special mention as well. Simply put...

[This is the first time in a long time that staring into the bloodied corpse of a woman hasn't given me a hard-on.

What the fuck is happenin' to me?]

Kris, you got owned. That's all. :D

There is no preamble to this story, no explanation as to why any of these characters are here, very little backstory given, and I love it. It leaves you wanting more and it makes your main character, Kristoph, more interesting.

I also like that you really committed. Some writers will decide to take on really gruesome or yucky situations and then they'll shy away from everything that makes it interesting or important for the story. I like that you added a lot of detail to that, colored it with Kristophe's perspective and how he thinks about what he's doing, and there's the idea that he thinks he's doing something good, worth-while. I think he's kind of sick, but there's something to latch onto with him, and a reasoning you can follow. I think that's the key to writing about an anti-hero.

wow...um...your stories are kinda twisted, aren't they?

Don't get me wrong, this is awesome. Just...a bit sick is all.

I love...I don't even know what I love. I like the name Kristoph for one. You are really fucking amazing at writing...

I love his thoughts. Because the italics are his thoughts, right? The 'all good things must cum to an end' line is a bit lame...

But other than that, this is really twisted good fun!

seriously...you rock at this...

Heya there. Should have reported N ages ago. ;) Okay, let me just state this out as the warning shot: I suspect my brain has crocked. Seriously speaking, why is it that Kristoph's brand of humor is so intoxicating and funny? Guess its no different from crack, huh? ;)

Okay firstly, I'm feeling outright ashamed of myself. Its like I can see Aeranath's shadow in him, but still nowhere as badass to Kristoph. In a very funny sense, this reminds me of the Constantine series. Still remember Keanu Reeves and that finger scene. I swear that Kristoph would look like that. Literally. No joke.

Secondly, its pretty much interesting that I can see my own shadow in whatever you've done description imagery wise. Again I doubt I'm anywhere near your level. And while I'm at it, I actually discovered that this chapter feels more akin to a dialogue chapter more than anything else even though the dialogue wasn't that much. I guess it could be down the very fact that Kristoph's POV in this instance was hundred percent based on human interactions, directly or otherwise. Pretty much like watching a live movie or anime along the line of Berserk plus Hellsing.

And now allow me to go further in depth on the interactions between Kristoph and Nathan. I believe that this is your showcase part of the chapter. ;) So let's get the simple logic out of the way here: Its good to be bad. No, I'm not kidding here. It really seems that Kristoph is indeed a chaotic being with the most basic human emotions defining him as broken rather than outright nutjobbery. In particular, the moment where he looked at the photo just served to tell the readers that a monster will never see a monster in the mirror, only itself. In fact its pretty much weird for me to say that Kristoph is far saner than humanity itself. In a very twisted sense, people label him as insane because of the way he did his stuff. Yet for all we know, sanity is in the eyes of the beholder. Simply put, I guess its a no-brainer that his comments on the satanic dead was intended to hammer home the point that he's actually quite sane. I don't know if you've played the visual novel Saya no Uta. I never played it, but I do know what's going on in-plot. Simply put, its about definition of sanity on an us-vs-them kind of scenario. And speaking of the dead, I really like Nathan as an extra. I don't really feel much for such characters due to the script dictating them to be subhuman impact wise. But still its pretty mind blowing to see Kristoph getting owned by this bugger.

["Alright, that's cool, that's fine. I can do this." He's talking more to himself than me. "So, what happens next? Fire and brimstone? Pitchfork sodomy?"]

This ftw:

Interestingly enough, I do see Nathan as Kristoph's parallel. Their trauma was hundred percent identical. Their cynical words towards death mirroring each other. And above all:

[However, unlike me, Nathan went down swinging.]

First time Kristoph felt like crap before a human punk. LOL!

[And now that I think about it, the present galloping of my heart is on par with the night I bedded my first woman. Unknown to Nathan, and at the time her, this'll be a new experience for us both.]

Kris, that's not how you compliment your wife. -.-'

P.S: To prove that I'm still certified sane, allow me to say that I won't even dare to trust my life on any promises done by this kind of bloke. Good thing I've yet to have a girlfriend. She would ask all sorts of funny questions pertaining to my all my reviews for this work. :p

The RH. :)

It’s going to take me forever reading 42 chapters. Don’t mind me if I suddenly pop in and out. I do that with longer stories.

Anyway, from the review game…

Opening – Very catchy, particularly that first line. Brief, but encompassing. And it immediately points out that this story is somehow addressing the flaws of humanity…if the title wasn’t enough. But the bond (wrong word, but I can’t think of anything better right now) between the title and the first sentence acts as a sort of net almost. And then the second line complementing that. Your fourth line/paragraph somewhat plummets though. There’s something repetitive about it. A little flatter, and perhaps, considering the rest of the chapter, not the best place for a mellowing out. I feel that may have functioned better later on in the story , perhaps at the end of this scene. While it does relate, I think it provides a break to the action a little too early, particularly since you’ve begun with action after a very brief reflection (which I’d count as action in this case anyway).

Spelling/Grammar/Writing – for the most part, I rather like it. You’ve melded description and action quite efficiently for an action-focused scene. I do have to wonder though how you’ll approach the scenes that require less action focus and more reflection. I imagine that’ll show up at some point. I do think your rhythm fails a little in some places. Consider: “I've heard it all before: the crying and begging. But do they ever listen? No, they never listen. In fact they usually act like her: pathetic.” It drags a little in some places. This is somewhat I was referring to above. Varying the grammar and word style a little would help there, particularly in making the pauses more outstanding and appropriate for an action scene. It’s not like he’s standing aside and taking an epiphany.

Your use of first person, which I’ll put in writing this time instead of techniques, is quite interesting. While I preferred your other story’s narration better, I don’t particularly have anything against this one. I suppose it’s the vampire’s immortality speaking for the slightly more shallow output we receive. At the same time though he seems to possess a level of immaturity, almost childishness.

Dialogue – quirky and interesting. Kept me on my toes. The vampire really has sex on the mind. *eye roll*. I like how you speak of the voice as alluring, enthralling and what-not, and return the begging/desperation from that with jokes/light talk that could disgust her even in that situation. It served to both lighten and weigh the situation – an interesting paradigm, but your dialogue both enhanced the desperate situation from the woman’s side and the outer scope of humanity’s “fall” and showed us a little more of the distant vampire character and his immortality. I find those two quite linked in this first paragraph. I noticed he didn’t say anything about “his” pain though. Whether thought or elsewise. I did find some of the italicized comments interrupting the flow though.

Setting – your choice of a church setting was ironic, considering the title of Sin and all the talk and bloodshed that happened in it. Particularly the temple of Jesus. However you didn’t really say that until the end, which somewhat dulls the significance or use it has as an effective setting. Until the mention of a pew, they could have been anywhere. Slipping little tidbits about it, perhaps from a little earlier, would have made that irony more effective and helped along with your portrayal I think. And perhaps a mention of light before that dark bit at the end.

“I ogle her cold canvas of baby-smooth skin now spotted with patches of blood.” – it’s not “I ogle at”? We Australians say it like that, but I’m starting to think the two versions of English differ a little at their grammar as well as their spelling.

Good morning from the roadhouse, :)

Aii I remember reading this over and over again when I was with my friends at the college. I really love the narrator's voice and how he is so cold-heart. The descriptions are clearly detailed in ways the visual can become so real to a reader which makes it enjoyable. In ways, I find this to be a erotic version of devil may cry but in ways, it's not at well. Very well done!

Rayne wolf

I’m happy to see that Kristoph will be running Mick’s club. Remembering how much Mick wanted to take care of his girls, I did find it sad to think of the club’s workers without his protection. I mean, despite what they do for a living, they are people and making them destitute would just be wrong. So I liked how you tied up that loose end and also gave Kristoph something to worry about during his moments when he isn’t with Mina or listening to sob stories by probably rather boring, uninteresting dead people.

Gabriel’s reaction to Mina on the stage was priceless. I wished I could actually see the look on his face at the moment. Poor guy. He never gets a break, does he? Disciple after disciple, he always gets the troublesome ones. Why do I get a feeling Kristoph was only meant to prepare Gabriel for the storm that is called Mina?

But Gabriel’s offer is a good way to end everything. It does leave everything open-ended but for certain stories, endings like this are the best. I mean, there are some stories where an ending like this would cause me to curse the heavens but I like this type of ending with The Angel Kristoph. As I think about this ending, I recall once reading C.S. Lewis’s explanation on why he never continued the Chronicles of Narnia despite it’s rather open-ended ending; he stated that it is better to end everything while you’re still on top and people are demanding for more. In a way, with the open-ended conclusion for this story, you leave readers wondering about what is in store for Kristoph and allow them to maybe dream up of their own possible resolutions. Furthermore, life is always continuing. There are always new offers and as one story ends, another one opens up. The only way to end the story of life is to die but with this story, obviously death isn’t the end of everything. So what I’m trying to say (in a rather long-winded way like I tend to do with my writing), this ending is just perfect and I can’t imagine a better way to resolve this story.

.

Final Thoughts:

You know, as The Angel Kristoph has ended, I’ll be frank. When I started reading this story, I felt slightly off-put reading it, mostly because of the extent of cursing and Kristoph’s blunt sexual language. As a note: I’ve never read a story this mature before (I know you gave a warning but I’ve read several ‘M’ stories and they were never like this… the worst I had read was “Wicked”) so it was – needless to say – a rather new experience for me. However, I don’t know if it was the beautiful writing (which I really do have to say is one of the most excellent I had ever read), the compelling plot, one of those “curiosity got the better of me” occurrences, or a combination of all three but somehow I decided to continue this story. And I really don’t regret the decision.

Somehow, amidst all of those factors that made me squirm while reading the story, I came to enjoy the characters and the world you’ve created. Kristoph is one of those characters most people immediately dislike. And yeah, I didn’t really like him from the beginning. I would even venture to say that if – in the earlier chapters – you decided to kill him, I wouldn’t have really cared. But amazingly, you developed his character and gave him so much life that I grew to really like him. Initially, I voted for the ending to be bittersweet because when I’m not being an idealist, I’m a realist (which was how I felt while voting). But now, I wouldn’t have the ending be any other way. I feel Kristoph does deserve some degree of happiness in his life after all that he has suffered.

I’m looking forward to beginning your Eric Lynch story – probably in June when school is over and done. But I’m curious to see what it will be like and how Eric will be different from Kristoph. Also as the genre is slightly different (more comedic, I see), I’m curious to see how your style changes for the genre. And the future project including Eric, Kristoph, and other characters sounds very interesting – it’s cool that you recycle characters since it gives a continuity to every work.

Once again, I must say that The Angel Kristoph has been a wonderful story that has shockingly won me over. I wish you the best with the publishers and hopefully it will win them over, too as it has done with me.

Thank you so much for sharing this story.

Best of luck,

Heaven. The choice does make sense for Mina. She isn’t a true sinner despite her profession and she’s displayed a tenacity that explains why she would be brought there. Still, I can’t help but find it sad that she’ll have to go away. That she’ll never remember Kristoph again. There will be a solution right? She just won’t forget Kristoph because that would be sadder than having her die…

I guess, I should just read on and see…

Oh. Okay. Sometimes I really shouldn’t express my concern with a decision until the end of the chapter. But Gabriel’s proposition is definitely nice and it ties the resolution nicely and neatly. Having Mina become a Templar isn’t too surprising since she possesses Kristoph’s fire – maybe even more so than Kristoph himself. But I just loved reading the last moment since it’s kind of adorable these two’s love but also I feel pity for Gabriel being forced to watch the two engage in unsuitable acts when one is standing in front of the door to Heaven. But the humor is nice and a great relief from the stress and intensity of that last chapter.

[But at least now I can rest knowing it's a loneliness that won't last forever.] That’s just adorable. I don’t really need to say anymore, need I?

Thanks for the great read.

Signing off...