Reviews for Pied
RinaJewelz chapter 1 . 8/14/2012
That was really disturbing lol especially the end... not nice. Bt love the concept, got me wondering what the prompt was, possibly the quote in ur summary? I like the modern spin on the pied piper story though.
lookingwest chapter 1 . 8/18/2011
Well now I feel like I must continue on with the WCC craze... one more, one more, and then to bed with me!

Oh wait. I've read this before! I just must have not had time to review it! Well, re-reading, at any rate, as it's still hazy...

D: Ooh my gahd I remember how morbid this was. This is just like that novel I read last night, it has like the same ending. Except yours is better. But what, man, wow!

Well again, was reading more for content then anything else, I'm so lazy with grammar spelling these days anyway, but take heart because I noticed nothing out of place in that department. Dialogue top-notch, liked the bit about the bongo drums and what he said about the hippies, that was my favorite dialogue bit.

I liked the opening descriptions and how you introduce everything as a "new sensation" to paint the setting, that was great. Also liked the conversation with the guys about what happened. It's a tad freaky but this is one of those WCCs where I would almost like to see it expanded. I really liked it though, like really. I think this is my favorite out of the three. It struck a cord about going to parities and never knowing what's going to happen...and to make sure your drinks and brain don't get magically bongo ruffied (idk how to spell that so I went out on a limb thar)...these are vital lessons for college. Solid piece, man!
rgarner31 chapter 1 . 7/18/2011
here is your freebie review, as promised :)

So i really liked how even though i, the reader, dont quite know whats going on at first glance, i can just jump right in and im not confused by details that havent been explained yet, its really nice. I also think that you have a good talent for telling us that something was up with those bongo drums without 100% revealing it all...its very interesting.

Some thing i would have liked to see: When you say, "Jimmy didn't come up again," i wish i knew what you meant, as in, did he drown or just swim away. I get that its suspenseful, but since i assume its a one shot, i feel like it didn't have any resolution to Jimmy jumping in. That ties into my other problem: theres no real resolution to the questions that are posed about why theyre all being arrested. I would have liked to see those questions answered now as they wont be ever in the future.
dragonflydreamer chapter 1 . 7/13/2011

First off, nice title! Of course it's referencing the Pied Piper story, but it's catchier to just use the one word.

And as for the story: ...That was freaking creepy.

All of the descriptions set such a great mood. They're confused, disjointed, and almost trippy. It leaves the readers just as confused as the character.

And the Pied Piper drummer? Brilliant, really, definitely nothing I would have ever thought of. It works well, some crazy hippy drummer making people go crazy and attack cops, just because. You don't need more rhyme or reason to it and you take a great snapshot of the havoc he creates.

If anything, I feel like there were too many names for a short span of time. Not that three named characters was too much necessarily, but you used all their names too often. I had trouble figuring out which one was the main character and I wish Jimmy had stood out more.

Great interpretation of the picture, and a very unique idea in general. It's the kind of story that's quirky enough to stick in my head for a while.
A. Gray chapter 1 . 6/15/2011
This was a great piece. I loved how you showed the boys confusion. It was intresting to follow along with them while they tried to remember what had happened and how they got to where they were. Jimmy jumping out of the car at the end and diving into the lake was almost surreal. I felt like I was sitting in the car watching in horror too!
Frap chapter 1 . 6/13/2011
WOW! Your story was gripping and really involved. It held my attention to the very end. I love how you give such life to your characters and then there's this sense of bonding with the crazy crowd even though they are in the car.

The way you talk about the spell caster is mystical and colorful, and the descriptions are so well written it's easy to see how they relate to the prompt.

Great job!

sophiesix chapter 1 . 6/11/2011
We-e-e-e-i-ird haha! I like it! It really creeps into your brain and makes you wonder. I liked the ending too - that sense of inevitably and powerlessness, both from the police and the bongo trance. I missed the relevance of the title til i read the reviews X) appropriate! Love teh concept and very very enjoyable execution. Good luck in teh WCC! :)
Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 6/9/2011
I loved the bewildered-teenage-guys theme and voice you had going for it. It lent a humorous tone to an otherwise bizarre scene. I really want to know more of the story behind this. Love how, uh... let's say "original" this is.

Good job and good luck in WCC!
blurrylights chapter 1 . 6/9/2011
this was incredibly creepy/awesome ]
Dragon made me do it chapter 1 . 6/9/2011
I enjoyed the opening to this piece and I enjoyed being mystified as to how this situation came about.

I particularly like this line: The ground pressing into his cheek was another new sensation, and he certainly didn't remember being covered in neon orange spray paint before then.

This mystery comes not just from the fact that we don't know what is happening, but even more so from the fact that what is gradually revealed to be occurring is contrary to our expectations of what should happen in this kind of situation - your standard rock concert.

This technique of gradual revelation of the situation to the reader as it is also revealed to the characters in the story is done quite effectively here.

I like the humour of the bongo drummer idea.

I also like this line: 'His swaying turned to wild twitches and jerks, his shoulders spasming and legs stomping as his eyes rolled up to the ceiling. The humming reached a fever pitch as he began smashing his head against the glass of the window.' and the idea of the building tension in the music being embodied in the listener.

Poor Jimmy :-(

tyles/grammar/spelling etc:

"I don't even know where here is," - I would put the word 'here' in italics to emphasise it.

'morgue van'- should this be a hearse or is it something different?

"Do you think all of them," and Aaron twitched his head toward the now-tame mob filing into squad cars, "listened to that guy too?"- I would put a '...' after them(instead of the comma) and before listened, to indicate that the speech had been broken mid-sentence.

And if I have to be that anal to come up with supposed errors, you are doing well!

Great piece, good luck in the contest!
Annally Tate chapter 1 . 6/8/2011
Definately one of those rare stories that ensnares my attention from the very first sentence. I liked it, a lot. I'd hate to think of you leaving us with a cliffie like that, so please write more. :)
HHS chapter 1 . 6/8/2011
I have to admit that when I first began reading this, I wasn't convinced it was a mystery. At first, I thought it was an attempt to glorify The Hangover or something like that.

I'm happy to say I was wrong.

The plot is interesting. This bongo player, the Pied Piper of sorts, as you reference in the title of the story, has certainly caused a dilemma for these boys. Are you going to expand this into a longer story? It would certainly be disappointing to leave us with just this and no further explanation.

One of the main things that encouraged me to keep reading was your writing style. The way you write is enticing and your diction suites the atmosphere of the story. I've seen a few stories similar to this in which the author uses some elevated style of writing unfit for their story and then expects it to blend with the gritty story they've attempted to concoct while trying to sound like Charles Dickens.

In general, I liked this. If you decided to continue this, I would love to read it.

Happy writing!

YasuRan chapter 1 . 6/8/2011
Creepy. Makes me wonder if there were any subliminal messages in those bongo drums. You never know with these weird smiling strangers...