Reviews for The Goddess Whispers: Fate
DayDreamer95 chapter 2 . 7/15/2012
I was looking back on some of my old reviews, and saw that you'd reviewed one of my stories, so I thought I'd return the favor. _

This is a very good story you have here! It's an interesting premise to me, and it is excellently well-written! For me, that is a rare gem, hard to find yet valuable. I can tell that you're a great writer, and I look forward to more!

Kisho chapter 2 . 6/12/2011
Hey hey, this is good, I'm impressed _

I like your premise, it's simple, but immediate... very elegant, you have my praise for that.

Haven't gotten to see much of the characters yet, but, well, I'm... not that impressed with their initial appearances. _' They seem, I don't know... unpolished, maybe? Rachon's pretty cute, but it seems like you're not sure what you want to do with Zeno's personality. And Reeka, well, everyone like her, she shows up, kisses Zeno, and gets all shy and leaves... lack of depth on her part. Of course, she was only there for about ten seconds, but it's important nonetheless. _'

Also, your sense of motion, of making your characters flow freely in your readers' minds rather than just saying what they're doing and leaving it at that... It's good, I'm really impressed. _ It's fast, really leaves its impression. But, but I think it's lacking that feel of impact (I know I use this word in every review I leave xD). You sort of state shifts in the action in the same way you narrate the action moving forwards normally... putting some more emphasis on the things that show change in the action, like when the Velvet Panther leaped onto the roof, or when the moonlight shone down and smashed the roof, can really go a long way towards making those sort of action scenes memorable! _

Aaand, some things were kind of sudden, too. Mostly the scene with Reeka! Although the actions you're narrating clearly point to where the climax of the scene should be (the kiss), the narration doesn't feel like a climax, and it just goes through the scene with the changed perspective of post-climax without stopping for breath. If I'm making any sense. o3o Anyway, I guess the importance of highlighting the climax is sort of what I was getting at when I was talking about impact in the action scenes, just on a smaller scale: with each scene having one climax, the Reeka scene would all be one with a climax at the kiss, and the Velvet Panther thing would be multiple scenes, each with a climax that leads to the next scene - panther attacking scene, with a climax when Zeno breaks free; Zeno running scene, with a climax when he finds his only hope is the Temple; climbing the Temple scene, with a climax when he reaches the top and breathes a sigh of relief; panther going for the kill scene, with a climax when the moon saves him. When each climax is rendered well with the emotion it ought to fill the readers with - tension for one, fear in another, relief in another one - and carries the impact anybody telling the story as if it happened to them would try to give it, the story flows well anh has that impact I'm always talking about. :3

... man, seems my word for today is climax, huh? Well, I got really into the criticism there and couldn't stop myself until I wrote a few thousand characters. _'

Anyway, one last little thing that bothered me - Rachon said the job was for a *dead* Najika Tori, but Zeno was wondering what the client would want with a *captured* Najika Tori... it just threw me off a little bit. xD (And speaking of Najika Toris, I like that name. Just wanted to say, you know? It sounds exotic, makes me think of a pretty rainbow-colored bird. :3)

But yeah, I guess I'm finally done picking apart your prose, for now at least xD Still a really interesting story, I'm really interested in the Goddess thing here! x3 And there's certainly nothing at all wrong with otome games, either, so I'll definitely be following this! xDD
metallicskull96 chapter 1 . 6/9/2011

its really interesting!

i wonder if his faith to the goddess will vanish as well?

well...great story and pls update soon!

good luck!