|Reviews for Elements (old version)|
| TotallySuperDuper chapter 6 . 1/14/2012
Wow. I am loving this story. Can't wait for an update. Great work. Keep it up.
| TotallySuperDuper chapter 4 . 1/13/2012
Hey, it's me. I'm glad I decided to check out your story cause it is super duper fantasic. Great job. I am going to read the reast of it, but I'm super busy, so don't expect another review for a bit. Keep up the great work, this story is awesome.
| Rainbow Raven Snapple chapter 6 . 1/4/2012
Man, that girl GlitterDisaster is pretty hard on you, huh? I see nothing wrong and I absolutely LOVE your story, so when they get THAT picky, just ignore them ;)
| Rainbow Raven Snapple chapter 1 . 1/4/2012
Great and really interesting!
| Swallow-tailed Kite chapter 4 . 12/13/2011
Wicked! I love your plot. What's more, there's no rushed feeling.. Love it. ;D
| burlap chapter 3 . 11/18/2011
This is a great example of a chapter of how to move things along nicely in the plot. I greatly enjoyed the short interaction with Shannon, and really can't wait to see what exactly unfolds next. Characterization still seems solid, and the story is definitely taking shape.
Editing-wise, I only found a couple of things:
-"Analese punched her pillow; releasing the pent up anger burning inside of her."
I think that a comma is better suited for separating these two clauses than a semicolon.
-I can fly you across to the neighbor's roof. That's the fastest way I think, three or four houses down is the right one, and I'm assuming you'll recognize it. All you have to do is signal and I'll fly you across the gaps."
You forgot the beginning quotation marks
-"You can do this, last time." She murmured to herself.
As I mentioned in my review of chapter two, when a character-Analese, in this case-is saying something, and it says he/she/insert-name-here after the dialogue, there's a comma inside the quotation marks instead of a period.
| burlap chapter 2 . 11/15/2011
First of all, allow me to say that your description was once again astounding and placed perfectly. The reveal of Analese's Element was well written, as were her parent's reactions, though I would have liked to see just a little more surprise from both of them. Their encounter with the registrars was splendid, and I thoroughly enjoyed Cecilia's reaction to the unveiling of Analese's element. Really, though, you stayed solid with characterization and description, and as a reader I want to read more.
Let's dive in with the nit-picking, shall we?
-"Her mother frowned, thinking. "The normal arrival time is an hour or so after we call in." She explained."
-Instead of a period after the word in, there should be a comma instead. The 'S' in 'she' should be lowercase as well.
-""They're probably busy also so it'll be a while until they're here." Her father added."
-The 'also' seems to clutter the sentence a little. Instead of using also, you can simply replace it with a comma. Also, instead of a period after the word 'here', there should be a comma, and the 'h' in 'her' should be lowercase (referring to the 'her father' bit.
At this point, I'm simply going to suggest going through the rest of this chapter and changing these as you see fit, given my examples of the dialogue. Basically, if the words following the dialogue are 'he said' or 'she said' or anything of the sort, there should be a comma instead of a period. If the words 'he said' or 'she said' are directly before the dialogue, there should be a comma after the 'said' (or any other emotion/action associated with speaking), and then the dialogue should begin. However, if the words 'he said' or 'she said' or anything of the sort directly follow or lead the dialogue, there should be a period at the end of the dialogue, just inside the quotation marks.
Now, with that in mind, the comma does NOT apply when in use with an exclamation point or a question mark. In fact, everything is the same when in correspondence with either of those characters except for the comma or period. The exclamation point or question mark will take place of the period or the comma.
-"As the quiet sounds were interrupted by the doorbell. Analese and her father exchanged confused glances."
-Perhaps instead of a period separating the two sentences, a comma should be put in place there instead.
-""Hi Analese, I'm Ally." She said, "We just need to get your Element and then my friend here, Cecilia" She gestured to Ponytail lady, "Will give you some info about your classes at the Academy." She smiled."
-Now, I'm simply going to focus on the last bit of Ally's dialogue. After the name Cecilia, there should be a comma inside the quotation marks, and then the 'w' in the 'will' that begins the next bit of dialogue should be lowercase because it hooks directly in with the dialogue before it. It is simply interrupted by the action of the character. If the dialogue was not a continuation of the dialogue before the action, there would be a period instead of a comma where I told you to place it and a period after 'lady' instead of a comma. Speaking of 'lady', it should be capitalized in the way you are using it.
As for the rest of the chapter, simply look it over again and fix some of the things that I mentioned, adjusting them as you see fit.
| burlap chapter 1 . 11/15/2011
First and foremost, the way you describe things is amazing, and the concept in general is fantastic. Analese appears like she will grow into a great, solid main character as the story progresses and expands. Now, on to the other, stickier stuff:
-"This she knew wasn't a Legend; it was merely assigned the title by the government to conceal their 'secret weapons'. She knew of it only because her best friend's father was a mind. Analese and her family were the only ones who knew outside Shannon's family and the government. Even their knowledge was because Analese had been in the rom when one of his contacts fell out; and he hadn't wanted to wipe her memory."
-In this, you spelled room wrong.
"Morning mom" Analese replied, while poking her father's nose. "He wont wake up!""
-There should be a period after 'Ann' in the first set of quotation marks. In the second set of quotations marks, there should be a comma after 'mom' (while still inside the quotation marks), and an apostrophe between the 'n' and the 't' in 'won't'.
-""I know it seems like forever now, but looking back, it will all be all too short. Before you know it you'll be in your government job and move away and eventually have your own children to raise.," her mother said. Her voice contained a hint of sadness and grew slightly tense near the end. Her father merely frowned, though very melancholy."
-At the end of Analese's mother's words (...children to raise"), there shouldn't be a period. There should simply be a comma.
-"Let's play a game instead." She pleaded.
- There should be a comma after 'instead' instead of a period, and the 'she' should be lowercase.
-"Her father smiled, and clicked the TV off. "Good idea, I hate those documentaries.""
-This is simple a personal pet peeve of mine, but I believe that a period after the word 'idea' would better help the sentence fluency much rather than a comma.
-""You just don't get along with the guy who makes them""
-There should be a period after 'them', still inside of the quotation marks.
Now that I'm done nit-picking, I must say that you've done an excellent job on keeping me as a reader drawn to the story. Your way with words and the interesting concept makes me want to read more. Your descriptions are top notch, and the story idea itself is brilliant. While there may be the errors that I mentioned, everything else is solid and the characterization and explanations so far have been brilliant and well places respectfully.
| Mykaleonkreiog chapter 3 . 6/17/2011
Wooh! Getting even better!
| Dixie-Writer not logged in chapter 3 . 6/17/2011
Wow, this story is amazing! I WILL BE WATCHING YOUU! (-)