|Reviews for Sirens|
| T Alana M chapter 1 . 6/30/2014
Opening: The opening was eye-catching and well written. It starts off at a tense scene, but doesn't overdo the drama. However, I think that the title is a bit misleading - for me, at least, since I was thinking of the mythological sirens.
Writing: The writing was great - the descriptions were, well, descriptive, but not overly so (as some writers nowadays tend to go for either Purple Prose or simply the bare bones of a scene.) The fragmented sentences really helped to convey the tense situation.
Plot: The plot seems to be developing well - however, this chapter strikes me as something that would come in the middle of the story or at the beginning of a sequel. There's little background information, and plenty of descriptions of the scene at hand. Although people do not explain things they already know in real life, readers need to know more about things than just what the character is experiencing, especially if the setting is an unfamiliar world.
Enjoyment: I really enjoyed this piece - it was interesting, exciting, and the writing was great. But as I said before, there should be more background information.
| Ventracere chapter 2 . 6/21/2014
Beginning: It's sort of like a movie opening. The sun falls, and the hues of the sky enrapture both the reader and the characters that are a part of the story. I don't know, I've always been a big fan of using descriptions to draw in readers right from the get go. There are other sensory images to help pull the scene together, from the wail of the sirens to Patrick's thoughts.
Characters: Your characters are real and they come off the pages. Patrick's thoughts tell most of the story, but it's not so much so that it removes the 3rd person POV. I don't feel like I have too much of a feel for him just yet, but there's something about Patrick and Jonathan that intrigues me. Jonathan is obviously the Captain, whereas Patrick used to be a rookie. Since then, their relationship has evolved, and I'm curious as to whether or not Jonathan depends upon Patrick as much as Patrick will/does depend on him.
Pacing: At first, the it was a little slow with all the introspection and details from Patrick's thoughts. However, it sped up when Patrick's flashback begins. The increase in pace helps to prevent the chapter from being dragged on too much, and it's enough to keep me from trying to skim through the chapter.
Ending: Your ending here is similar to that of your beginning. I think descriptions may be your strongest point. They draw attention to Patrick's surroundings, and I'm always curious as to how that'll come into play later. As a whole, the ending isn't too big of a cliffhanger. As it is, it's more of the beginning of the next chapter. How Patrick's flashbacks will serve in the next chapters I think will be more potent, so your ending doesn't need to account for too much when it comes to pressing the reader on.
| alltheeagles chapter 1 . 6/20/2014
Depth review for the RG June 2014 WCC Winner’s review (as requested by lookingwest).
I won’t say that I was totally hooked by the first paragraph, but that’s partly because I’m not a fan of thrillers in generally so the word ‘siren’ has no intrinsic interest value to me (unless it’t the kind that sits on a rock and entices sailors to their doom). However, when I reached the end of the paragraph and realised that this was any old siren but a citywide one, my interest sparked up somewhat. The repetition of ‘very wrong’ worked well to reinforce the urgency of the situation.
There is a suitable tone of finality with ‘I’m ready’, which at the same time constitutes an invitation to continue reading to find out what he’s going to encounter and whether he really is ready for it. I was maybe expecting a link back to the opening ‘theme’ of sirens, perhaps a reiteration of the significance of the sound, or whether it’s decreased/increased, but it’s fine the way it is.
The description of the rooftop view was clear and helped me to mentally visualize the scene. There aren’t many details as yet, but I have no problem with that since I’m a repeat offender for the crime of minimalist settings. I think the premise of ‘warring territories’ and the characters’ fairly modern speech also helps to establish the setting, ie I don’t think this is a medieval/tropical place even without any details.
There’s a fair amount of telling in this chapter, but that’s probably inevitable since you need to establish the background and set up the premise. Anyway, I consider the interaction between the two men, and the introspective remarks by the MC as ‘showing’ to a certain extent. I also like that you don’t give us the physical description of the characters all in one big glop of info but scatter it throughout and incorporate it with the dialogue scenes.
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 6 . 6/5/2014
Of course I'd save the best for last. ;D Here's your prize review for the Citadel's Challenge of the Month!
Your chapters will forever be difficult for me to review, since I essentially review them every time you finish writing them, haha. It's still a blast to get to read it again. xD
Re-reading Felice's part, I might have a little more love for her, lol. Actually, when she gives him the sourdough, and tells him to share it with whoever, it got me thinking what Pat was like as a teenager, haha. Like, he must have been even more awkward than he is now, but what about all those raging horomones? XD Omg, it kills me to think of poor midget Pat trying to ask a girl to go skating with him, hahahaha. I love him, though. He probably had a bad friend, too, someone who ditched Raptor territory to go somewhere else. Omg, Sheriff, a crack-fic can be found somewhere in there, lol.
Again, I don't have a lot to say, but I did love it. The twins are, as always, quite enjoyable.
[Patrick saw Brinda blend in with the crowd...] I'd suggest "merge with" just because the rest of the sentence talks about her hair being like a beacon, and it sort of contradicts. If the story were from third-distant I could see it working, but the narration is too close.
[...rainbow smoke bomb,"]
["Hey Patrick,"] Both instances need commas changed to periods. Second excerpt needs a comma after "hey".
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 33 . 6/28/2012
Oh, so beautiful. I'm so happy you finished this story, Sheriff! It was such a fun read and even more fun helping you work out the details. I'm really going to miss it, but I have my hopes set on the sequel. ;)
We'll be seeing each other again soon, but for now, congrats! It was fantastic. :D
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 32 . 6/28/2012
This chapter is so familiar to me, I must've read over it so many times, haha!
Pat and Jobro are so awesome when there aren't any deadlines that need completing. I love this chapter, the emotion especially.
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 31 . 6/28/2012
Aah, new review thing. It's a comments box. o.O
Anyway, finally, some closure here. I don't know if this review will make much sense, but, I really liked the communication between Troy and Patrick in the first half before Sera popped into the scene. Maybe I just wanted to know how Pat would take hearing about what had happened to Jonathan in his absence, but it was engaging.
[glancing it lightly as she clutched his arm with more intensity.] I'm not sure if "glancing" is the word you want to use here. It sounds awkward, anyway.
Again, glad for some closure on Sera's end. She could have been a serious problem. xD
Okay, I'll see if I can make myself review the last two chapters. ;_;
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 30 . 6/22/2012
Ha, Jonathan is so mad he forgot Troy was supposed to be taking him home. xD
Aah, I actually really liked this chapter. Poor Easton, but at least Pat has another chance to redeem himself.
Also, I got this strange impression all of sudden about the age of the twins. I mean, sure they have a lot of fun, but reading this chapter made me actually think they might be younger than Patrick.
It'd be weird if that was the truth, but it just came off that way to me.
Awesome chapter. I want to save the rest for later, but I don't think I can stop. XD
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 29 . 6/22/2012
I forgot it was Easton that ended up killing Seth. How anti- climactic, hehe.
I don't think I can ever be unconvinced that Sera was the true mastermind behind the Wanderer's. She's just so devious. I mean sure she's necessary toward Patrick's character development, but she was so much more evil than Seth, I think.
Seth was disillusioned, Sera was calculating.
Poor Easton. :( He was such a good guy. He'll be missed.
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 28 . 6/22/2012
[tucking the other hand other his arm.] I think that second "other" should be "under".
I really liked the first half of this chapter. And you know, I actually had a thought.
[Instantly, Levi smiled.] Why don't you change Levi to Patrick? I don't know. Random thought on my part. My beta skills feel rusty. ;_;
And Seth. Everyone's non-favorite villain. He was so foolish. Oh well. Gotta give him some credit for trying, right? haha.
Aah, but this makes me so sad. It's almost over and I don't want it to be cause this is the only thing of yours I have to read. x_x
Still, I'm going to read the next chapter.
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 27 . 5/14/2012
[A smile lit his face as he rubbed his toes into the carpet as he wandered] This sentence was awkward because "as" was used twice. I think you could change it so that it reads
"He rubbed his toes into the carpet and smiled as he wandered"
Or at least any other combination so that you're not using as twice.
Aah, the moment of truth. Will he do it? (Of course I know the answer to that, but I gotta keep up appearances.)
And aha! The connection was made. Not outright, I suppose. I think it would have been very interesting for Pat to pull Easton aside and ask him about the death of Chris. Yes, that would have been something fun, indeed. But I'm letting my imagination run away from me...
I do wonder how the Wanderers ended up the way they did. I mean, did one psychopath say to another, "hey, let's go slaughter all the sane people in our gang and then start our own gang of murderers and thieves"? Like, what was the thought process there? xD
I mean, sure, they're trying to expand territory and all that stuff, but really? Everyone in that group had to have come from somewhere so that means they had to kill someone else close to them to be initiated, so how many bodies are just floating around out there?
You can tell the Wanderers are starting to frustrate me, yes? XD
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 26 . 5/14/2012
I was wondering where this chapter was, hehe.
Now that I think about, was it a very good idea to talk about the whole "blade" thing in front of Pat? Even though it was very discreet and in code and all that, it didn't really do anything except confuse him.
And, just between you and me, I don't think it really makes that much of a connection to what happens after. Like, it's never said outright, "Oh, remember that time I asked for a blade? Yeah..."
Or does it? You'll have to remind me on that one, cause I don't remember at all. xD
No, I do remember something being said, but again, I don't think that specific connection was ever made. Which, I think is something that should have been done. I've been gotten on one too many times about mentioning things and then not connecting them later, so I'd prefer if you don't make my same mistakes.
Other than that, good chapter. Somehow, I thought the sex scene was longer in the draft, lol. Sera really has some issues, though. That's all I'm going to say on her for now.
Like, really? Really? How is she not the true mastermind behind all this? No, I can see her being the hired thug, the femme fatale. She's a skilled assassin under the guise of an unsuspecting, defenseless female. I can see how females might be treated differently in this regard, though, if this is how most of them are used, I'd definitely be more harsh and quick about their extermination.
Also, I could see women being better spies *hinthintnudgenudge* Sera essentially is one, though she's more along the lines of steal the pups from the den type of spy stealth figure.
Anyway, I think I'm rambling, so, on to the next chapter!
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 25 . 5/14/2012
As much as what went down in this chapter, I actually really liked the closing paragraphs best. The way Pat sort of realizes what he must do now that he knows what he just threw away.
I liked that. It gave me renewed strength in the whole hero mentality thing, heh. I'm glad Pat's getting out of his funk, finally. It is time to step up to the plate, young sir! xD
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 24 . 5/14/2012
Oh dear, Pat seems to have developed quite a tongue living over here with these... vandals! xD
He should stop picking fights though. They are so not him. Though, I guess it's time he grew up. It was going to happen sooner or later. ;_;
On the relationship between Patrick and Easton: I actually never really understood what you were trying to do with that. Was it supposed to remain a mentor/mentee situation, or was it a friendship?
Just something I don't think I ever gave much thought to.
| Fang chapter 23 . 5/14/2012
[his hands in lose fists and hanging in the air like] loose
Poor Pat, getting the beat down on the first day. He certainly is going to have a lot to learn.
Hooray for Easton, though! This review is short, I know! D: but I don't have a lot to say on this chapter. It was good, I enjoyed it.