Reviews for Sirens
VelvetyCheerio chapter 33 . 6/28/2012
Oh, so beautiful. I'm so happy you finished this story, Sheriff! It was such a fun read and even more fun helping you work out the details. I'm really going to miss it, but I have my hopes set on the sequel. ;)

We'll be seeing each other again soon, but for now, congrats! It was fantastic. :D
VelvetyCheerio chapter 32 . 6/28/2012
This chapter is so familiar to me, I must've read over it so many times, haha!

Pat and Jobro are so awesome when there aren't any deadlines that need completing. I love this chapter, the emotion especially.
VelvetyCheerio chapter 31 . 6/28/2012
Aah, new review thing. It's a comments box. o.O

Anyway, finally, some closure here. I don't know if this review will make much sense, but, I really liked the communication between Troy and Patrick in the first half before Sera popped into the scene. Maybe I just wanted to know how Pat would take hearing about what had happened to Jonathan in his absence, but it was engaging.

[glancing it lightly as she clutched his arm with more intensity.] I'm not sure if "glancing" is the word you want to use here. It sounds awkward, anyway.

Again, glad for some closure on Sera's end. She could have been a serious problem. xD

Okay, I'll see if I can make myself review the last two chapters. ;_;
VelvetyCheerio chapter 30 . 6/22/2012
Ha, Jonathan is so mad he forgot Troy was supposed to be taking him home. xD

Aah, I actually really liked this chapter. Poor Easton, but at least Pat has another chance to redeem himself.

Also, I got this strange impression all of sudden about the age of the twins. I mean, sure they have a lot of fun, but reading this chapter made me actually think they might be younger than Patrick.

It'd be weird if that was the truth, but it just came off that way to me.

Awesome chapter. I want to save the rest for later, but I don't think I can stop. XD
VelvetyCheerio chapter 29 . 6/22/2012
I forgot it was Easton that ended up killing Seth. How anti- climactic, hehe.

I don't think I can ever be unconvinced that Sera was the true mastermind behind the Wanderer's. She's just so devious. I mean sure she's necessary toward Patrick's character development, but she was so much more evil than Seth, I think.

Seth was disillusioned, Sera was calculating.

Poor Easton. :( He was such a good guy. He'll be missed.
VelvetyCheerio chapter 28 . 6/22/2012
Oh, Patty!

[tucking the other hand other his arm.] I think that second "other" should be "under".

I really liked the first half of this chapter. And you know, I actually had a thought.

[Instantly, Levi smiled.] Why don't you change Levi to Patrick? I don't know. Random thought on my part. My beta skills feel rusty. ;_;

And Seth. Everyone's non-favorite villain. He was so foolish. Oh well. Gotta give him some credit for trying, right? haha.

Aah, but this makes me so sad. It's almost over and I don't want it to be cause this is the only thing of yours I have to read. x_x

Still, I'm going to read the next chapter.
VelvetyCheerio chapter 27 . 5/14/2012
[A smile lit his face as he rubbed his toes into the carpet as he wandered] This sentence was awkward because "as" was used twice. I think you could change it so that it reads

"He rubbed his toes into the carpet and smiled as he wandered"

Or at least any other combination so that you're not using as twice.

Aah, the moment of truth. Will he do it? (Of course I know the answer to that, but I gotta keep up appearances.)

And aha! The connection was made. Not outright, I suppose. I think it would have been very interesting for Pat to pull Easton aside and ask him about the death of Chris. Yes, that would have been something fun, indeed. But I'm letting my imagination run away from me...

I do wonder how the Wanderers ended up the way they did. I mean, did one psychopath say to another, "hey, let's go slaughter all the sane people in our gang and then start our own gang of murderers and thieves"? Like, what was the thought process there? xD

I mean, sure, they're trying to expand territory and all that stuff, but really? Everyone in that group had to have come from somewhere so that means they had to kill someone else close to them to be initiated, so how many bodies are just floating around out there?

You can tell the Wanderers are starting to frustrate me, yes? XD

Fang.
VelvetyCheerio chapter 26 . 5/14/2012
I was wondering where this chapter was, hehe.

Now that I think about, was it a very good idea to talk about the whole "blade" thing in front of Pat? Even though it was very discreet and in code and all that, it didn't really do anything except confuse him.

And, just between you and me, I don't think it really makes that much of a connection to what happens after. Like, it's never said outright, "Oh, remember that time I asked for a blade? Yeah..."

Or does it? You'll have to remind me on that one, cause I don't remember at all. xD

No, I do remember something being said, but again, I don't think that specific connection was ever made. Which, I think is something that should have been done. I've been gotten on one too many times about mentioning things and then not connecting them later, so I'd prefer if you don't make my same mistakes.

Other than that, good chapter. Somehow, I thought the sex scene was longer in the draft, lol. Sera really has some issues, though. That's all I'm going to say on her for now.

...

Like, really? Really? How is she not the true mastermind behind all this? No, I can see her being the hired thug, the femme fatale. She's a skilled assassin under the guise of an unsuspecting, defenseless female. I can see how females might be treated differently in this regard, though, if this is how most of them are used, I'd definitely be more harsh and quick about their extermination.

Also, I could see women being better spies *hinthintnudgenudge* Sera essentially is one, though she's more along the lines of steal the pups from the den type of spy stealth figure.

Anyway, I think I'm rambling, so, on to the next chapter!
VelvetyCheerio chapter 25 . 5/14/2012
As much as what went down in this chapter, I actually really liked the closing paragraphs best. The way Pat sort of realizes what he must do now that he knows what he just threw away.

I liked that. It gave me renewed strength in the whole hero mentality thing, heh. I'm glad Pat's getting out of his funk, finally. It is time to step up to the plate, young sir! xD
VelvetyCheerio chapter 24 . 5/14/2012
Oh dear, Pat seems to have developed quite a tongue living over here with these... vandals! xD

He should stop picking fights though. They are so not him. Though, I guess it's time he grew up. It was going to happen sooner or later. ;_;

On the relationship between Patrick and Easton: I actually never really understood what you were trying to do with that. Was it supposed to remain a mentor/mentee situation, or was it a friendship?

Just something I don't think I ever gave much thought to.
Fang chapter 23 . 5/14/2012
[his hands in lose fists and hanging in the air like] loose

Poor Pat, getting the beat down on the first day. He certainly is going to have a lot to learn.

Hooray for Easton, though! This review is short, I know! D: but I don't have a lot to say on this chapter. It was good, I enjoyed it.
Fang chapter 22 . 5/14/2012
I've decided the reason I don't like Sera is because she's so inhuman. It's almost like she's a sociopath, really. She just doesn't care, at all. It's like she can go one minute faking sympathy and then she's just ooey gooey like syrup. As much as Seth is the boss and all, I'm still surprised Sera doesn't hold the leadership position.

She really has no heart.

I liked the length of this chapter. Not sure why this is something that stands out to me now, but it does, and I enjoyed it.

Good work with this one.
Nesasio chapter 15 . 4/23/2012
The night turned into morning with little consequence.

-I know I've mentioned this before but the fact I remembered it after months of being away from this story should tell you it's still a bit problematic how nearly every chapter opens with sunrise/sunset. Gawd, sun, stop being such an attention hog.

...accompanying by...

-accompanied

...and after that you can help me 'round the shop to clear your mind.

-Whoot chores!

...as her skated towards him.

-he

I'm kinda confused how everything's set up with Seth here, spatially-speaking. From my understanding, Seth tried to get into their territory, but the mob peeps chased him just over the border, and then yelled at him. Then Patrick showed up and they were still talking over the line and then he basically invited an outsider into the territory in front of a mob of witnesses (not to mention Seth being nice and chatty about invading the territory in front of them). I'm not sure if that's actually how it's set up, though. Maybe describe that a little more?

Otherwise, I liked this chapter. It was nice getting some action in here, and some uncertainty for Patrick. His paranoia at the beginning was nice (poor little puppy...) and at first I wondered if maybe they all knew he'd ditched his sentry duty the night before and things were gonna get ugly for him. That would've been fun, haha, but your version was fitting too. I'm interested to see where Seth takes things. I still think Sera's kinda sketch so I suspect it will only be bad plot directions for a while, but that'll be fun too!
Nesasio chapter 14 . 4/23/2012
Dull lights stood on the corners and midsections of each street, only lighting a scarce few feet around them.

-This seems like a tactical disadvantage for them and stood out to me 'cause they obviously put a lot of time and money into the ice roads so why can't they chip in for some better lights? Shadows are just more places for enemies to lurk. Floodlights awesome.

...but he tried to pay as little attention to it...

-As little as what?

"It's where I caught you."

-Not saying it's necessary, but I was a little surprised that Patrick didn't have a nice depressing musing paragraph after this statement. Just seems the sort of trigger that would naturally segue for him.

Or I'll die trying.

-Well, that'd be a certainty if he failed, wouldn't it?

I really liked how realistic the skating scene was, haha. I could definitely relate with Sera's noobness. The only little touch it felt like it was missing was the intense agony in your ankles after never skating or not skating for a while. I can attest to that, haha. But seriously, I thought you showed that realistically.

It's kinda creepy how accepting Sera is that Patrick's maybe gonna have to kill her. I understand she knows he doesn't want to, but she barely knows the kid so you'd think she'd be a little more concerned all the times he brings it up. That just struck me as odd and a bit sketchy of her. I have no idea if this is good or bad in her characterization (it feels like we haven't seen enough of her yet to judge what she's capable of) but I'm wary of her. *creeper watches Sera* Not sure what to make of that but I thought I'd mention it, as a 'yay, I noticed' or 'maybe this needs work', whichever one you think fits more because I'm not sure yet.

Onward!
Nesasio chapter 13 . 4/23/2012
As it was that he'd be staying up all night for sentry...

-Awkward. 'As he would be...'?

... it was about time where everybody would be back from their day.

-Awkward. Feels like a word's missing. Or maybe switch where to when.

His inner doubts decided they had enough and left him alone after that...

-D'awwwww. Also 'they'd had'.

There was reaffirming squeeze on his arm...

-'was a' or similar

As always, I think the relationship between Jonathan and Patrick is very strong. I liked the exchange between them when Patrick tried to get Jonathan to laugh. Badly, haha, but it worked, and that was the whole point. They're so cute, the way they take care of each other. It's a little odd to me, considering the one is in a leadership role and kinda a sticky situation at the mo, but I think you play that pretty well, showing Jonathan wanting to be friends with Patrick but knowing he has to push him.

The only thing I had a problem with in this chapter is that it felt like I'd read it before, but I'm pretty sure I haven't. The action felt like a lot of chapters before, with Patrick watching the Raptors, then going to talk to Jonathan. Are there other things he could do instead? People outside the raptors he could talk to or different parts of the building to do stuff in?
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