|Reviews for La métaphysique des mœurs|
| simpleplan13 chapter 1 . 8/6/2011
"We eat the bluebird in heaven/eating salt,"... I didn't like the word eating here. I just think you use eat so much in the piece that another word choice might've been better
"whiter then the corners of our"... than
"bluebird blood runs through/our veins, runs quick like"... I think you could get rid of the second run here.
"dresses and aprons, our shoes are made"... that line seemed a bit long and I think "dresses and aprons, shoes made" would work just as well and be less wordy
"giggle, oblong stepped, the/bluebird blood runs through"... the comma there should either be a semi-colon or a period since it's two separate sentences
I would actually also end all the stanzas with a period too since they are all sentences and it makes them a bit more separate.
I didn't get why you changed tense with ate in the last stanza. it kinda confused me...
Anyway, I did like the piece. I though the repetition worked really well and had a great flow. I also liked how different each stanza was and how they sort of built on each other. The ending was great especially. I also like the line about the eyeballs.
Review Marathon this weekend (link in my profile)!
| Julius Julius chapter 1 . 7/8/2011
Why, why, why does this poem make me think about Born In The USA by Bruce Springsteen? I think it's a combination of this poem on the surface appearing playful and united in happiness all around, and the macabre image of humans eating birds. But I attach it to that song because the bird is blue, and I kept thinking about the US when I read bluebird. Especially when you wrote that the bluebird runs through our veins (after we eat it). I think after staying in touch with that Casey Anthony case and reading about how Obama wanted Texas to not execute a Mexican official for rape-slashing a little girl has put me in an abstract/political mood. I apologize if you were implying something else and I went completely left field with this. All in all I love your work like always. I like how I can pick any of your poems up and just enjoy them.