|Reviews for Eli Phoenix & The Search for the Phoenix Book 1|
| Guest chapter 4 . 9/6/2013
You poor, poor person.
Read a proper book, and stop reading those My Immortal reposts.
brought to you by the reviewer of long lost fics on fictionpress.
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/3/2012
The story sucks in terms of grammar, plot, punctuation, phrasing, unnatural words and sentences, story flow, vocabulary use, sentence variety, sentence structure, description, suspense, tenses (under grammar), sudden changes, and unsuitable words.
You REALLY need a beta. Or a better idea would be to get your english right first.
Anyway, work harder. You'll get it someday. Meanwhile, proofread your story more. And more.
| Bugoutcomedy chapter 2 . 8/16/2011
Wow, dramatic ending. So, I've been caught up with school and such so I didn't have time to read your story. But I'm back now and happy to review!
I have to say, for a beginner, I liked this chapter. A few grammar mistakes here and there but I won't point them out. I'm pretty sure you'll get the hang of grammar after a while.
So, to the meat. The thing I sort of disliked about this chapter was the straightforwardness of the character's appearances. Many books don't tell the appearance of the character until it is necessary and usually then, the writers use metaphors and comparisons. Some books don't tell the reader the appearance of the characters at all. Main characters usually don't tell the readers how they look but they can. A small movement can tell the reader what the character looks like. For example: I brushed my chestnut hair away from my face, my granite eyes betraying my nerves. Already, we know that the character has brown hair and grey eyes but also that he/she is nervous.
Now, the fight scene! Well done! I really liked the fight. Although you could've elaborated more. Describe the pain Eli felt or even what the rest of the class did as this was going on. Did the cheer? Did some cower while other watched in awe? These are the kinds of questions you kind of have to ask while you write.
Hm, I think that's all the main things I wanted to cover. Ah, I do have a few small things to say.
Depth. I get reviews all the time telling me to make my chapters longer. But I never do. Why? Because as long as the chapter has depth, as long as the chapter feels like it moves at a realistic pace, it's fine. Now, maintaining a pace like that is pretty hard, but it can be done. This chapter felt like it was on fast-forward, as if you were trying to get to the fun faster. I think every writer has been there. But sometimes, less action can be a good thing. It gives room for explanation.
*sigh* I realize I'm talking about a lot of pointless things. Well, maybe they're not pointless but they take up time. I don't want you to think you're a bad writer, heavens, no writer should be thinking like that. I really like the story, I do. I'm just sharing with you a few tips on how to improve your writing in the future. *headdesk* I sense I'm making things worse. If you want me to stop talking about these 'tips' I will.
Wow, what a long review. Sorry!
| Bugoutcomedy chapter 1 . 8/9/2011
Um, as others have probably said, there are a few problems with this chapter.
First of all, sentence flow. Some of your sentences sound awkward. The first sentence in fact, 'While I, Eli Phoenix, was worrying about my first day of high school, and in the middle of summer school so I could get a study hall.' Where did the 'summer school' part come from? And this chapter isn't about Eli. So why mention him in the first place? There are other ways to approach a scene in the beginning of the book where the main character doesn't play a part.
Next, grammar. No matter what the teach you in school, grammar is hard to control in your writing. Trust me, I usually trust my computer to fix my mistakes and you know how reliable they are. *heavy sarcasm* I found some places that were missing commas, like when you use an interjection or address a person.
Now for the plot. You sort of threw the character into this world of magic without much explanation. You could've shown the characters in the room and shown what they looked like so they reader could get a picture before adding dialog. When we read and write, we create pictures in our heads. So when you're writing, you have to remember that picture that your reader will create and you want them to have the same picture in their heads as you do. And why the sudden war on the humans? Every good villain has a reason for destruction, which I hope will be explained later.
I plan to keep reading, for I am intrigue about how this is going to turn out.
| Flabbergasted Flock chapter 9 . 8/7/2011
How the heck would "I" know that it is the fountain if he never been there?
| Flabbergasted Flock chapter 8 . 8/7/2011
UGH. You could just say "It had an eagle's head and wings but also a lion's body"
| Flabbergasted Flock chapter 7 . 8/7/2011
"What shall we do now?
Let's have lunch..."
| Flabbergasted Flock chapter 5 . 8/7/2011
*shakes head. I will stop criticizing your story, cuz if i do, i'll never end
Too much "ya"s and it's MOST powerful not the powerfullEST
| Flabbergasted Flock chapter 3 . 8/7/2011
seriously, please rewrite some parts of this... I bit illogical. like Hey! a centaur turns up on the beach and you decides to go off with it like some old friend? NO WAY
| Flabbergasted Flock chapter 2 . 8/7/2011
dude, please please please use better spelling eg: Powerfullestmost powerful, ThereThey're etc. etc. also, do use a bit more vocabulary...
| Mike T. Smith chapter 18 . 7/26/2011
So north wind guy. Nobody cares if I added a extra chapter to tell people about the second book. And who cares if it's rule breaking u posting that just makes u a giant douche
| Conqueror of the North Wind chapter 18 . 7/26/2011
This is a rule-breaking chapter, as it is non-story content. Readers that were interested in your story will check your profile to see any other stories you may post. You do not need to advertise it.
Conqueror of the North Wind ~ Admin of Order of the Concritters FictionPress
| Guest chapter 12 . 7/16/2011
This is good. Steve hilarious and I liked how Steve said "Go to Hell" before he shot the guy.
| firelion23 chapter 12 . 7/16/2011
this is amazing! I've never read something so good! please keep writing and once you finish this book you have to write sequels!
| Mike T. Smith chapter 7 . 7/11/2011
Please review some more. I promise it will get better. REVIEW!