|Reviews for The Adventures of Captain Pancake|
| booklover1698 chapter 13 . 10/31/2011
HAHAHAHA! I'm was reborn and am now dying again from laughter!
| josh494 chapter 13 . 10/31/2011
Since this was a one off i'm not going to nit pick anything. I enjoyed this it was funny. XD
| josh494 chapter 12 . 10/31/2011
Ahh this chapter was funny. D
Don't worry there is no cringe worthy review this time. I liked this chapter.
"I guess the explanation of chocolate milk will forever be a mystery." best quote from the whole series. It reminded me of myself when I was about ten years younger. Also this chapter ore then others had the feel that Pancake was sitting with you just telling the story because she get's side tracked and goes off on tangents. They really help the story.
Remember when I said that switching POV was refreshing, welcomed, and helped the story? Well I would like to rephrase that statement.
Changing POVs is good in moderation.
Changing ONCE mid-chapter is ok. But here you kind of went a little overboard and it makes the story lose it's focus and makes it muddled
Also please don't be scared to read my reviews. They're only to help you. You don't have to follow them. It's your writing. Do whatever you want with it. As long as the quality of your overall story isn't bad i'll most likely enjoy it. To be honest I haven't given you a negative review at all... well yet. D
| booklover1698 chapter 12 . 10/31/2011
BOOKLOVER1398 HAS DIED TODAY FROM LAUGHING AT THIS HIGHLARIOUS story.
| melawe chapter 12 . 10/30/2011
love the chapter and glad you finished the chapter! maybe ill get inspiration for the manga version. but my favorite part was "BAD IDEA BAD IDEA BAD IDEA!" BWAHAHAHAH
| Jac the Demon Lord chapter 11 . 10/25/2011
LAWLZ! I really like this chapter! I don't know whats funnier: The mysterious Lee falling in love with Pancake or Nick and Alex's inability to handle mushrooms! XP
| booklover1698 chapter 11 . 10/19/2011
HAHA! I loved it update soon.
| josh494 chapter 11 . 10/15/2011
What I didn't like:
Stop using "I" so much. It's become a crutch. When we're inside a person's head it's ok to omit it in certain circumstances because it'll be understood
Ex.: I don't think my new crewmates can stand it much longer in this cramped little motor boat. *I might want to consider getting a bigger boat next time….
* You could leave out the I where the star is and just say: "Might want to consider getting a bigger boat next time..." Or you could start your sentences off with a letter that is not I but you can still have it in the sentence to help mask it's presence. It seems pointless but it helps with redundancy of the letter I which your writing would benefit without.
Also you seem to switch tenses with your words on accident. Watch out for that.
What I liked:
I love how you have pancake break the fourth wall a good bit. It helps set the comedic tone that the previous three chapters were devoid of(not a bad thing, the change in tone was appropriate).
The ending made me giggle a bit. Way out of left field. I scanned the first couple chapters for someone named lee and didn't see any mention of the the name. I only saw Bryce Everwater, the guy Pancake had an arranged marriage with. So i'm interested to see who he is.
Contrary to my long complaint, I enjoyed the chapter and am excited for the next.
| josh494 chapter 10 . 10/15/2011
Exasperated is not a verb! p Work on your placement of commas and semicolons. They seem to be missing in a few places.
Also Katanas weigh around an average of three pounds. So you may want to fix it so Nick has trouble with it because of the medicine he had to take or something. Because three pounds is not that heavy.
Over all it was great chapter that helps solidify the bond of the twins and finish of there back story. Also the touch of telling the Captain was a good touch because it helps built a bond between the characters so they're not just random people on a boat.
Good job. D
| RPGhero chapter 1 . 10/14/2011
This is pretty cool, I always wondered what if One Piece was about a girl and not naive Luffy. The only advice I do have is to explain the settings more. You mention that Johnny lives on an island but I would have loved to hear if it's a hot island or tropical island. And if there's palm trees or if it's a mix of different trees or mountains. The main character is a strong character but I feel that with other perks it could be cooler, yknow? I look forward to reading more!
Also you explained a lot about the main character's appearance but not her mother and father's. Unless I didn't catch it.
| melawe chapter 11 . 10/14/2011
the originality was good but y cant jasper cook. and lee is as creepy as in the picture of captain pancake dragging jasper away while running from lee for her dear life. love the part where she leaves the twins for food :3
| coolboy77 chapter 4 . 10/14/2011
wow i like it. but it's too much like the first episodes of one piece.(not saying your ripping off Oda's ideas) but try to spend time on coming up with your own story i like all the comedy you have. and to be honest i'm just trying to put more writing in my stories
| josh494 chapter 9 . 9/28/2011
Finally got around to reading this. It was pretty good. It flowed well and the contrast between the battle and the mushroom part was nicely done.
Good job good job. On to the next one.
| Jac the Demon Lord chapter 10 . 9/25/2011
Yay! Happy ending! ...OK, not exactly happy...or an ending, but at least I know their history! Can't wait for the next character!
| melawe chapter 10 . 9/20/2011
FINALLY! you finished and it was very original this time only certain themes i saw from one piece showed up but for the most part u did awsome! if only u could put pictures on here i would put the one of captain pancake and nick kissing and nick freaking out :D. Is it Kody or jasper that comes next?