|Reviews for Drifting|
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 7/18/2011
Opening: So honestly, honestly, I have to say that I thought the second paragraph felt a little on the cliche side. The simile about the heat being like an ex-lover scored was a little too...I don't know, it just didn't work right with me, if anything it made me smile. And then the end of the paragraph once the "he" comes into the story, I didn't like either. That was the part that felt most cliche to me, it felt a little too much like Twilight when you invoke the idea of "drugs" and "needing a fix", and I don't like the comparison to the relationship being "drug-like" right off the back, unless of course, the intention is to compare it to something so negative because it's actually a negative relationship, so I would let that pass, but so far I think it's actually supposed to be read as positive, which I thought was contradictory. Again, though, a lot of this is opinion-based and I'm a woman who likes her YA romance reflecting positiveness and strong woman characters, so others might like it differently.
Character- I found it weird in the second part where Liv gushes about seeing Aaron and thinks about him often, but then when he's there in the restaurant she forgets what he looks like. I felt that was a little unrealistic and also a bit gimmicky. Unless they aren't the same Aaron? Because their names are suddenly spelled differently? Something tells me not. I did like, however, her responsibility demeanor, and I thought that was positive.
"Been ok. ..."
-Edit: spelled "ok" wrong, should be "okay" or capitalized as "OK"
Setting- I think you did the best work with the Crab Shack, otherwise I didn't get a sense of any in depth description for the setting, and I would have liked to have seen more of that, especially of the concert. Everything felt like it was very focused on action and the description of one movement to the next and the dialogue, lingering a bit more to describe the sky or the air like you did in the first paragraph might spice things up a bit.
Pace- I thought the pace was pretty fast. If anything I could see this being expanded more into a novella than a short story, just because you're tackling such a huge thing-love. And I think to really make an impact on a reader, it requires a little more development and tension. Aron came off to me very one-dimensional, and very stock-boy-love-interest. I wanted more from him, and I think I could have gotten that if this was more developed in the pacing and the relationships department.
Otherwise and overall, I think you have a good concept here for those who enjoy the romance genre-for a little extra something, maybe embellish the kiss there at the end a little more, make it more descriptive, put more emotion behind it, and I think you could really capture the romance aspect with a bit more boldness. Hope I could help, and thanks for the read!