|Reviews for Cataclyst Jack|
| Darket chapter 4 . 8/6/2011
Get ready for some CC!
This was a pretty good chapter. The way they throw around Rank Z is kinda like when I wanna do something crazy and I say I'm a marine lol. I kinda could tell it was rushed because of the way the fight scene and some of the descriptions went about. Grammatically I don't think it's wrong if it' here and there but what I was talking about were sentences written like this:
She smiled as she mounted her black horse, Rider of the Storm, or just Storm for short. She rolled up her whip and put it back on the belt. She shifted a loose lock of hair to the side and kicked her horse to go. She went down yet another abandoned street, or what it seemed to be.
What I noticed is that you use the same word to start every sentence, and more to note the same character. It's always been a pet peeve of mine. What I'd do if things got to where sentences were like "she did this. She did that" I'd try to rewrite it or add more to it. Same with fights.
So where something is written like this:
She quickly blocked his punch and then followed up. She struck him on forehead with fist. She then prepared for the kill.
A little dry. Or maybe not dry, but as you can see it needs improvement. Here's how I'd re-do that.
Clarissa held her arm up to try and block Snake Skin's punch. After the two collided, she immediatelly followed up with a quick strike of her own. Snake Skin was wide open, taking the shot directly to his forehead. The impact completely knocked him off balance so Clarissa could follow up for the final kill shot.
Just little things to make it a little more descriptive. Your story has a LOT of potential to become really great someday. It's just what I'd do. Reading this reminds me of a lot of work I used to write back when I was young. Seeing this is really motivating and I'd really like to see you and this story push off on fictionpress and put you in the books.
| Darket chapter 3 . 8/4/2011
I've landed on a gold mine or something. I'm really digging this story. There's a few parts that are a little hard to follow and it does feel a little rushed at some points, but I have no problems really. This reminds me of something I would've written back when I was younger. I can really relate to this story and I have no problem tuning in. Nice work, this is great!
| Darket chapter 1 . 8/4/2011
Once I reads the beginning fight something just came out and struck me. I'm glad I read this-the plot looked good anyways and this first chap has got me hooked! I'm pressing right on! Good shit man
| Sora1813 chapter 2 . 8/3/2011
im really enjoying this story so far! i like how detailed the settings and characters are. :)
keep it up and update soon!