Reviews for Nobody's Home
Veronica Fay chapter 30 . 1/24
This was really incredible!
Guest chapter 30 . 9/30/2013
This was actually quiet a well-written story! I was very surprised-given the short length. Just wonderful!
MileyRowling chapter 30 . 4/15/2013
Great story and wonderful ending! I hope you write another one sometime.
MileyRowling chapter 27 . 4/13/2013
Nice work!
MileyRowling chapter 26 . 4/9/2013
Why does she keep going back to him? She seems to be really into him one minute, then in the next minutes she's not. Stupid girl!
MileyRowling chapter 25 . 4/4/2013
Why do I have a feeling that Jezebel can be an evil person? I hope Trey pays though!
okunoin chapter 3 . 4/3/2013
I like how this chapter is structured (and I like the brevity of your chapters in general, makes them very pleasant to read!)
Notice how, when Jez is being talked at by Mrs Flinns, the text is quite narrow? It kinda imitates the feeling of being followed and tagged on, and the repetition of 'Still nodding...' goes a ways to produce this feeling as well, it's like the text itself is being squeezed and pushed through the air with her rambling carrying behind.
I particularly liked, 'I think that her voice sounds like a hen clucking.' A really fun simile xD
A couple of things you might want to change;
- 'I suppose that this is supposed to be my breakfast. ' I don't think you need to repeat 'supposed', maybe just 'I suppose this is my breakfast.' is fine?
- ' As soon as I got down the stairs' and 'the bus came and I got to leave' Maybe just personal preference, but 'I got' is a really ugly word to use as a verb I think - it doesn't serve much purpose and reads a bit too colloquially, maybe 'I walked down the stairs' and 'the bus came and I made my escape.' would be a better alternative?
Keep up the good writing :)
okunoin chapter 2 . 4/3/2013
This chapter adds an interesting dynamic to Jez's character, the hidden desire she has for drugs, is it something she's developed herself over time, or is it a longing to be like her mother? I like how your description of the burning smell outside, and the ' city air smells like. This is another kind of pollution. Another evil kind.' is quite ambiguous, and you describe this movement of people but the reader is left to their own imagination as to what exactly is happening - I like this subtlety with the description!
A line that is a bit hard to understand is, 'Rats, that's all they are. That are those nosy neighbours who can't mind their own business.' Are these 'Rats' the Flinns? And if they are, the second sentence reads a bit strangely - 'that are those' is a bit clumsy, maybe 'Rats, that's all they are. The nosy neighbours who can't mind their own business.' Reads a little bit cleaner, right?
Intrigued to see if Jez loses against those darker urges she has!
okunoin chapter 1 . 4/3/2013
Really nice introductory chapter, you do what's probably most important in character drama-based stories, and that's introduce a strong narrative voice for your main character. I also like how you've gone for the present tense (and first person) delivery, it's one of the hardest ones to do well, but there it is!
One sentence that does read a little strange to me, is 'I'm not really a child anyone.' I'm not sure if this supposed to read 'anymore' or if's a more objective statement about not being any sort of person, if it's the latter I think it would read better 'I'm not really a 'child' anyone.' I hope that makes sense haha
The unconventional introduction with Trey and Jez is a nice change, I hope that indicates something a bit different than your off the shelf romance ;D
MileyRowling chapter 24 . 3/31/2013
Interesting chapter!
MileyRowling chapter 23 . 3/25/2013
Yay another chapter! I have a feeling that the story is about to end though...sadness
MileyRowling chapter 22 . 3/22/2013
Excellent chapter! We get to see a little of Trey's other side!
MileyRowling chapter 21 . 3/18/2013
Great story! Update soon!
Guest chapter 20 . 3/14/2013
At least Trey doesn't own all of her. Drugs are worse though. Update soon! This is a really short read, but has a lot crammed into it.
Guest chapter 19 . 3/14/2013
Why? Why? Why? Ugh, stupid person! Why did she sleep with him!
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