|Reviews for Sangokushi Zero: The Spear And The Sword|
| M.R. Hill chapter 1 . 9/25/2011
Took note on what you had mentioned about this being prologue to things, so felt I should check this out before continuing on with the story.
- This really does give a whole new degree of feeling to this story compared to first part. The entire feel is really different as well that one would be fooled into believing these are two other stories if not for the end part that acts as the connection between the two. Still, I love the way it does that transition between each part to draw in. I'm now all the more curious as to how these two elements are going to come together in the main story.
- I love the atmosphere to this! More just how all of this felt like pieces out of Romance of the Three Kingdoms. As quite the fan of Eastern literature and I've my influences from that side, I can really appreciate the use of such a time period and how it can influence into this story. Honestly, now I'm all the more excited to see just how all of this is going to connect.
- This is pretty good format to lead into things. It really gets for great lead in, allows for you to cover events so well quickly, has a nice pace to it that doesn't overwhelm the reader, and sets tone to this.
| rgarner31 chapter 1 . 9/6/2011
(I generally leave one like, one dislike, as they do in the easy fix sections of the review game, so thats basically what ive done here :)
I really love those first few lines. the mid moon is simple, yet somehow elegant. then the next is a beautiful metaphor: the condescending glare-i just love that! I also like the idea of the Han and Yuan conflict: if i remember correctly from 7th grade, they were actual royal houses in huge conflict in china right? I was already writing back then, and when we studied it i remember considering writing about it, but never found the time! I like that youve stuck with the idea :)
this part confused me...these characters are new and i wasnt sure where they fit in really. maybe elaborate on them. Just remember, im an alien to the names and history basically. When you tell me ten names that all sound similar and are different from everyday names all at once, then throw in their personal stuff thats goin on, im like...veryyyyyy lost. Im muddled and confused :( The writing is still good, its just that a lot of people dont want to take the time to reread the chapter or confusing parts over and over until they understand. if i was reading this fresh from the home page, i probably would have stopped despite my interest in the earlier few lines because of this confusion.
Good luck with your story and i hope some of what i said was helpful!
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 8/14/2011
I really like how these different scenes play out almost like the clips of a movie. They're each very concise and to the point, creating a rather convincing image. I really like the voice of your main protagonist, he is indeed strong and ready to do what he feels he must. I also really enjoyed the flow of the story, I thought the sentences and imagery you used laced together well. I also appreciate your rather extensive vocabulary, and it was indeed nice to read something where the same verbs/nouns weren't repeated over and over. It shows you have a versatile understanding of the more sophisticated levels of the English language. It is very refreshing to read.
I think another one of your strong points would have to be the dialogue in this. You do a great job in displaying the character's emotions through their words and actions. Some of the speeches given in this story, especially those from before a battle, were very riveting.
I really enjoyed getting this back history in regards to Kaede. I think it shows a lot about his character, and helps a reader understand him a bit better (especially when concerning the lineage of his family).
I think my only gripe would be that sometimes I found myself lost as to what/who the different scenes were addressing. There are a lot of names incorporated in this, both for people and locations. I'm not very familiar with the culture this story addresses, nor the history behind it, so I found myself feeling like I would appreciate it more if I did. Perhaps slowing down and going more in depth with some of the more shorter scenes will help readers who aren't familiar with this era sympathize with your characters, or better understand what they're fighting for. That's only me, though... not sure about your other readers.
I have some suggestions/edits:
[It was mid noon. The blazing sun was casting it's condescending glare upon the countless soldiers preparing for war. The turmoil that they've seen and the sufferings of the people before them.]
Style: The sentence "The turmoil that they've seen and the sufferings of the people before them." reads out like an independent clause. I would suggest putting a comma after [war] and [seen] in order to make it all one complete sentence and to help with the flow.
[The pride of Hua Xia has never matter to them,]
Edit: Matter should be mattered.
[Then he locked stares with his future liege as he spoke out these very words that will shaped his own future.]
Edit: Will should be would since the rest of the sentence is in past tense. Shaped should also be shape.
[Upon his words, the soldiers could only gave a cheer of unified passion in response.]
Edit: Gave should be give.
[Do my lone presence disturb you so much?]
Do should be does.
Great job, I really enjoyed this!
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 8/14/2011
I found that a lot easier to read and get into that Fate Sangokushi; I saw that someone else suggested putting this as a prologue to the main story, and I think that's a good idea. it would really help draw more readers in, I think. I did find it a little bit jumpy in some places, and some of the dialogue just feels unrealistic to me; in some points, it feels like they're telling each other information they would already know, it makes it feel too much for the reader and breaks me, anyway, out of the story. Example: ["I heard that all within your province has originally pledged themselves to the Yuan family, but why is that only you have the wisdom and courage to turn back from error?"] could change to, hmm...("All in your province have pledged themselves to the Yuan family, what made you turn back?") or something. Also, be careful of using words like 'Then' too much, in sentences like [Then he locked stares with his future liege as he spoke out these very words that will shaped his own future.] it could be taken out completly, to help with the flow. Some grammar errors, too, that you may want to look over. But yeah, be careful with your dialogue. I'll try to review Fate Sangokushi soon as I can.
| Katerzzz chapter 1 . 8/10/2011
Review Payback 1/1!
If I'm honest...I know zilch about Eastern History..I'm Anglo-German and we have pleeeaaaeenty of our own to handle...but this was very cool to read about...and it taught a history nerd something. Which is cool :)
So this is a prequel? Okay, now I gotcha...
Kaede is a special person...is he like Gandalf but the Eastern version? Cos Gandalf didn't die...he just came back as GtW...
Anyway...its interesting that, even though he comes from the levels of the super-rich, he seems to be really immature, funny considering how the super-rich basically treat their children like miniature versions of themselves (YES! Crown Princess Mary of Denmark I am talking to you! *evil glare*)
Takeru is a bit of an oddball...a nasty one too...wouldn't like to meet him down a dark-alley...but Aya is a good one for giving him what-for.
I love pulling things out of nowhere...I rarely do it for The Angel atm...but once I leap over depressing Oskar, it'll be a bit more random...
I really enjoyed this and can't wait to read F.S again :)
| Superslow Jellyfish chapter 1 . 8/5/2011
It's still Friday here, EST, good on my promise and on sugar and coffee, which is when my most well-thought out reviews seem to stem. Expect a couple of reactions. I'm officially double majoring in history and for all I know, I'll be taking Chinese history classes in the future, since I'm pretty sure Eastern history courses are a must for this major. So I'm excited to get more of a preview than I've had through my last college world history course.
Ooh, the Han dynasty! I remember writing an essay on them and their impact on the Silk Road: Golden Age, gotcha.
F.S takes place five years from now! Cool! Hopefully, I'll be all published by then!
So Kaede is a special person, I presume? I wonder how he ties into this whole Chinese history kind of thing. Is he a reincarnation of sorts? When the word "cycle" is said, I do get those implications. It also reminds me of the whole dynasty system. So you mentioned the Han dynasty, which practiced Confucianism, which pretty much brings about a staunch and adamant stance on politics, morality, social matters.
I'm only really going to focus on Kaede for the characterization: it's canonically stated that he comes from a wealthy family with a ton of influence, yet at the same time, Kaede is very intelligent and charismatic, but doesn't seem to be mature enough for anything, really, even though there's a couple of guys who want him in some way for plot reasons associated with history related to the Han Dynasty, yes? So from F.S, Kaede seems to have the political and social aspects that the Hans really prided themselves onto, especially the latter. However, his morals are somewhat questionable, so he doesn't quite have those elements of a Han type person of interest.
Takeru is a dick. I'm glad Aya kicked his ass for groping her breasts. I was hoping you'd write something about her retaliating because yes, I am one of those girls who is not 100% psycho and frumpy feminist, but I do prefer to read when a girl defends her honor so her dignity is saved. I remember how I said that Aya stood out and I swear, she does it again here. Moes aren't really supposed to be asskickers, apparently, so that's always a nice thing to see for a change.
To agree with the rest of the reviewers here, I believe you should implement this and turn parts of it into a prelude in F.S, like make it a prologue, followed by the first chapter. I don't know, that's just me, it's perfectly fine as a stand-alone.
And I totally get the pulling stuff out of my ass in. Some of the best scenes from GT are like that. Especially the funniest bits that everyone comments on.
| Umekogal chapter 1 . 8/1/2011
Yes, I see that part about the time-jump thing. It was a bit disjointed at first but I soon got the hang of it. The leap from Han dynasty China to the modern times was a bit sudden and sort of threw me off for moment. But actually, I am also working with a similar theme (?)(spanning several historical eras and regions) in a possible work in the making, so I can understand the disjointed timeframe and places problem.
BTW, I have axed all my previous running works as I intend to use selected elements from them for my work in the making. no point writing the same story twice over.
| Vernelley chapter 1 . 7/30/2011
Ah yeah, now that I've read this, I think it does help with the main story. Gives it more ground this way. I mean I've kind of done it out of order, but in that way I can see how it supports it.
I think the historical scenarios are written fairly well. This gives more action than the main story does in the first chapter, which was relatively flat. But this feels like things are actually happening and hence probably works better as a prelude. Also, the characterisation is a lot better here. Probably another reason it would be a better intro, since characterisation is relatively skint in the main.
I'd say you just need to get the grammar and stuff checked over as usual, but other than that it's pretty good :)
(And haha. Nico Douga :D)
| Aspiemor chapter 1 . 7/26/2011
Wow I really wish I was you. I need to brush up on history or something to gain a better understanding of fantasy, or at least find a way to reference it and apply it to my own stuff. That or just chuck the whole darn thing.
For some reason I could actually feel the changing of the years, maybe it was setting, dialouge or description wise. but I think you did a good job on that.
I can't really say much as I am not good at critiquing or reviewing, but somehow this felt better than the sequel to this.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 1 . 7/26/2011
Sorry about that. I'm really sorry about that.
But admittedly this prelude is way better than your other story Fate Sangokushi. That one was all talk, talk, talk and nothing going on (or even if it did it was at a snail's pace), but this one has a lot of things going on. That alone makes it much more worthwhile to read than your other one.
The characterization of Kaede is very much improved now. So much so that it's awesome. Or at least that's what I think.
The dialogue didn't go overboard here, and it didn't make me want to nod off like the other story did. You got to the point and delivered well for this one.
Keep it up and well done.